The Key to Stopping Your Kid's After-School Meltdowns Is a Consistent De-Stressing Routine
As a parent of both a kindergartner and second grader, I’ve seen my fair share of meltdowns after picking my children up from school. I’ve felt helpless. And trust me, I’ve tried it all. I’ve provided them snacks as soon as they step foot in the door, encouraged them to go outside to play, and simply given them the chance to relax. Some of these ideas worked, too, but the positive results never stuck around for long.
Many kids suffer from some form of after-school restraint collapse. Tantrums strike once they retreat back into the safe haven of home simply because they're sick and tired of behaving all day long — their minds and bodies unable to keep it up for a single second longer. So, they either have a tantrum, cry, or completely melt into the arms of Mom or Dad.
This, of course, can feel incredibly stressful for the parents. We’re confused because their teachers tell us about how well behaved they are. When they come home all out of sorts, we assume there's something we can find a quick fix for, putting pressure on us, too — hence my barrage of snacks and enforced playtime.
Haley Sztykiel, L.M.S.W., S.S.W., a child therapist who spends her time directly with children and parents, says that was part of my problem — I never stuck with a solution long enough, so it never became routine for my children. “It can be tough to go from a super scheduled school day to total freedom at home," she says. "Sometimes that change is too much for kids, and they seemingly melt down for no reason."
I can definitely see that this is the case with both of my children. They come home and lash out because I’ve provided them with no structure. I assumed they were craving freedom, but the whole time they still needed some form of routine to guide them. So, how do you negotiate a return home after school that doesn't push the tantrum button?
Create a "Calming Corner"
It’s important for children to learn how to decompress after a long, hard day, just like adults do. Michelle Borba, Ed. D., provides a solution in her book, Unselfie: Why Empathetic Kids Succeed in Our All-About-Me World, one she calls a "calming corner." Simply dedicate a space where the kids can go to wind down. The corner should be comfortable, maybe with a beanbag chair for lounging.
Next to the beanbag, you can place a basket with different items that could calm them down. My children grabbed a couple of their favorite books, a stuffed animal, and a coloring book with some crayons. If your children can write, throw in a journal so that they can write about whatever is on their minds.
Offer a Snack
Sztykiel notes a simple snack can go a long way in regards to shaping a child’s mood. We all know that a hungry kid is a cranky kid. Sometimes a bite is all they need. Personally, though I try to provide healthy snack options for my children, I give them the opportunity to choose what they want. It's one less post-school battle I need to fight. Sztykiel also reminds me about the importance of drinking water, and how often it's overlooked. (I know that I’ve been guilty of that one.)
Take Homework Cues From Your Kids
For children who like to get their homework out of the way, homework time can serve as a nice transition from school to home — just be sure you don’t force it. My son, for example, likes to climb up to the kitchen table and get right to work on his assignments. It's not a rule that comes from me, but it’s something that he likes to do immediately so that he can use the rest of his evening time for playing or relaxing. But if your kids are more the type to save their homework for after dinner, trying to cajole them into doing after school will just cause more stress. Designate a consistent homework time, and stick to it.
Release Some Steam Outside
"After-school outside play lets children release their energy after the structure of a school day," Sztykiel says. "The outdoors allows children to decompress and properly transition back to home, while also providing them an outlet for that physical and emotional release." If it were up to me, I’d send my kids directly outside every single day to play after-school. But sometimes they’re too tired or they just don’t want to. Most of the time, while my son is doing homework, my kindergarten daughter doesn’t even make it inside the house to drop off her bookbag — she gets right on her bike and starts riding. Her mood is always much better after she returns.
Be an Ear for Your Children
Kids don't always want you to run in and fix their problems — they just want to be heard. If you make sure to put your device and work away, your children will see that your attention belongs solely to them. This could serve as a window for your child to open up with you and share something about their day that they just might not have had the opportunity to otherwise.
Of course, it takes some experimentation to figure out what after-school routine is right for your kids. And the schedule might change with the seasons, based on things like what time it gets dark or what after-school activities your kids are involved in, and you'll have to adjust on the fly. But once you get into a groove, Sztykiel says the results will improve the more you stick to it. Kids will feel better knowing what to expect, and the post-school meltdowns will be fewer and farther between.
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