My Kids Are Trust-Fund Babies. And They Have No Clue.

Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here or post it in the Slate Parenting Facebook group.

Dear Care and Feeding, 

My husband and I both grew up in American upper-middle class families; lucky and privileged sure, but worked fast food jobs, had to budget for college, begged for brand name jeans, etc. As adults, we’ve both always worked higher-end, white-collar jobs and lived a matching lifestyle (ski vacations, pay for cars with cash, nice suburban home), but not like one percenter-type stuff. We try not to shower our kids with everything they ask for; they earn allowances and have to save up for luxuries like a Nintendo Switch.

The issue is that, so far, we have kept secret from them that they stand to inherit multiple millions of dollars from my husband’s parents when they pass. My father-in-law switched jobs after my husband was out of the house, moved into a stratospheric tax bracket, and has set most of it aside for our kids. They’ve made it clear to us that they’ll pay fully for any college they can get into, and the trusts are set up for the kids to come into this money in their late-20s.

I don’t want to screw my kids up with this knowledge. I want them to work hard, strive, and not think of themselves as trust-fund babies. Of course, I’m wildly grateful that they’ll never struggle, but the issue of college is coming up faster than we’d care to admit. Our eldest is starting to say things like, “Maybe I’ll get scholarships for state school…” which is fine! That’s what I did and I’m doing great! But should we let him know the sky’s the limit? How do we time this news? We want to encourage them to shoot for the stars and take risks they maybe wouldn’t take if money were an issue, but also not just drop out of life and fritter it away on pizza and video games.

—Lucky But Lying

Dear Lucky, 

How fortunate for your kids to be blessed with such a generous gift! I don’t think college needs to be the catalyst for full disclosure if you aren’t ready for it. You can simply pull your son aside and let him know that the grandparents have a college fund for him, so he can select the school of his choice with no worries. If he has questions, you can demur on the specifics.
During college and early adulthood, be transparent with your own finances and model the good money habits that you hope they will imitate. This is a good idea no matter what your children’s net worth will be; many kids grow up not fully understanding what they can afford, how to invest, how to budget, etc. If you can teach them some of these skills now, and show how you’ve used your own money, your kids will be more likely to be independently financially solvent and prepared to responsibly accept the trust funds when you share that news. This transparency could also set the stage for you to keep tabs or offer advice on their finances during the first few years they have the funds, if you both agree to it.

As to when to divulge, that’s a matter of personal preference. But certainly, it would be helpful for your kids to know once they start contemplating major financial decisions, like a wedding, buying a home, graduate school, etc. While you want your kids to learn good habits and not become financially/professionally complacent, remember that money is a tool that can be life-changing when properly deployed. If one of your children gets engaged and starts saving for a house, for example, it would be better if they understood that a significant amount of funds was coming their way. They could then make decisions about location, size, and timing of the home purchase that they might not otherwise consider. Trust your gut, just put in some work first. Good luck!

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Dear Care and Feeding, 

I have read Care and Feeding for a while and just realized that Allison is, like me, a young widow and mom of two boys. This is rare so I felt your insight would be appreciated. My question is this: How much should I be “forcing” my kids to start “dealing with” the issue of departed dad? My kids lost their dad when they were 7 and 9 years old. They remember him. They will rarely discuss him and generally state they are fine and don’t want to acknowledge birthdays, Father’s Day, or anything similar. They have occasionally tried and rejected therapy through the years. (When I say rejected, I mean they simply won’t engage with a therapist and just waste time and money for months before the exasperated therapist tells me to “come back when they’re older and ready to talk.”)

Now they are 16 and 18. They are fairly well adjusted but definitely not without some issues that I frankly cannot imagine don’t have to do with this loss (i.e. mild depression/trouble sleeping for the younger kiddo…failure to launch and gender dysphoria for the older kid) but also could just be “life.” Further, they have a stepdad of eight years who loves them dearly, but that doesn’t at all seem to have “replaced” dad. They alternatingly love and then hate my husband and have never called him dad to his face, but tell others he is their dad—probably for a lack of desire to explain. They constantly tell me they don’t feel any type of way about their biological dad now, but I cannot imagine it doesn’t feel like an abandonment to lose someone this important to you by suicide.

Obviously, I have taken on my own counseling and there is no consensus on how to handle this.
What should I try? Keep in mind that at 16 and 18, I’m almost out of time to be able to really influence their direction.

—Almost Out of Time

Dear Almost Out, 

Hey fellow widow, thank you for writing in. I’m so sorry for your loss and grateful that my being transparent about my own family allowed you to find some commonality out there in the world. You’re right that we who have lost spouses early in life are rare to find out “in the wild.”

The first thing I will say is that losing a parent to suicide is a very different experience than cancer (as was our case), car accidents, or other circumstances. Your sons are probably feeling a significant amount of anger toward your late husband, which may have mutated into dismissiveness over the years. They might feel so much resentment for their dad that they don’t want to mourn him, or they may worry that mourning will unlock feelings they’ve successfully compartmentalized for years.

In my experience, therapy doesn’t work when the individual isn’t ready to play ball. If you’ve set up appointments and they aren’t engaging—and if you’ve explored alternative formats like group or online sessions—then I think there’s not much you can do but continue to work on how you show up for your kids. If you haven’t already (or you haven’t recently), I’d consider sitting down for a heart-to-heart chat with both of your sons. Give them advanced warning that you want to talk at a specific date and time, make sure your husband is out of the house, whip up some beverages or snacks, and just talk. Explain why you wanted to get them into therapy and that as their mom, you’re just trying to look out for them. Share your feelings and fears and ask gentle open-ended questions that might prompt them to be open with you. I wouldn’t articulate what you think is “wrong” with each of them, as that will put them on the defensive. The idea is to help them understand your perspective as their mom who wants to support them, and to give them a safe (and more low-key than therapy) setting to explain where they are coming from regarding their dad’s death.

A few things I would keep in mind: The behaviors and emotions you are noticing in your kids may or may not have anything to do with their dad’s death. There’s a risk in suggesting that that traumatic event is the reason for any of their struggles—no one likes to feel like one event defines their whole biography. Second, their relationship with their dad, his memory, or you might be more complicated than you know. Even when we love someone, grief manifests so differently for each of us, and therapy isn’t the solution for everyone. Personally, I tried therapy twice—two different practitioners and approaches. Ultimately, I realized that I was finding better healing through other means. So, while I understand that you want the best for them and their mental health, I think it’s OK to let them find their own path. If you can cultivate openness and closeness between you and them, that’s where I would focus my effort. There is no instruction manual for this club we find ourselves in. Good luck.

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Dear Care and Feeding, 

I’m in my dream job in a creative-adjacent field, working on long-term projects that I deeply care for. Although my partner has an advanced degree in a far more lucrative field, he ended up inheriting a nearly 200-year-old family business that isn’t super profitable but carries a lot of tradition. I am the day-to-day breadwinner but he owns the majority stake in our home. We are happy.

We’re getting serious about family planning as I cross the threshold for a so-called “geriatric pregnancy.” The problem is, I am ADHD and there are no safe ADHD meds for pregnancy or breastfeeding, according to my doctor(s).

When I’m off my meds, my executive functioning crumbles so fast that I have serious concerns about my ability to keep my job through pregnancy. I also work for an international company, and everyone in my reporting chain is from a nation with one of the world’s highest gender inequality gaps (there’s also not a lot of dialogue around neurodivergence). I’m terrified of telling my boss that I’m planning to have kids because the cultural expectation is that I would stop working. I worry it would change how I’m treated, even putting aside the ADHD issue. In my gut, I think it would be insanely risky to tell him I need certain accommodations because “I’m about to stop taking [XYZ] to try and get pregnant.”

Although my HR is American, I have reason to believe they would not step in in the event of retaliation or discriminatory treatment. They may, in fact, actively work to eliminate me, as my previous supervisor was laid off just before her maternity leave. What can I do to protect myself? I’m not interested in looking for other employment right now, as terrible as my current company can be…I want to finish my projects as much as I want children.

—But for My Dreams

Dear Dreams, 

There are a few things you can do to try to safeguard yourself, but I think your first step is to recognize you can’t guarantee anything. So, plan (financially and emotionally) for the possibility that you could get laid off but do everything you can to prevent it. I always find it really liberating once I realize I cannot control the actions of others.

I’d seek the advice of an employment lawyer immediately. U.S. Federal law prohibits pregnancy-based discrimination and harassment at work. Unfortunately, there are still loopholes, which it sounds like your previous supervisor discovered. An employment lawyer can help you know your rights and advise you on how to document events in the workplace in case you do need and choose to fight a termination. And I would definitely not disclose anything until you are actually a few months into your pregnancy.

Regarding your medication, a medicine not proven safe isn’t the same thing as it being proven harmful; it could just be the absence of conclusive data. I am not a doctor and cannot tell you what to do, and I don’t know the details about what you and your physician have already discussed, but you might want to talk to a variety of practitioners to make sure you have a full understanding of your options. Additionally, the hormonal changes you experience may change the severity of your ADHD symptoms; that, combined with certain supplements, might be enough to get you through. Bottom line: Talk to some OBGYNs who have experience helping women manage their ADHD through pregnancy and find someone whose approach makes you feel safe and understood. You could also enlist the help of an ADHD therapist or coach if you think some behavior modification would be useful.

My unsolicited opinion on a topic you didn’t bring up is that two of the most valuable things I’ve had in my life as a working mother are flexibility and understanding from my employer. If you are not confident that you will get either of these from your current workplace, I would spend some time thinking seriously about whether this is an environment in which you can feel like a successful working parent. The benefits of your work might be worth it to you, but pregnancy and early motherhood are delicate times, and I hate the idea of someone making you feel like you aren’t enough.

—Allison

My partner’s 4-year-old really loves my pet rabbit … and I’m worried he might, literally, love him to death. We have tried explaining that he needs to be gentle with the rabbit: Stroking is OK, but grabbing is not. Neither is chasing the rabbit around the house. And picking him up by the ears, which we found him doing again yesterday, is completely forbidden.