Kim Kardashian Promises to ‘Break Your Dick Off’ in ‘American Horror Story’

After three weeks of American Horror Story: Delicate—which has ranged from middling to poor, depending on which terribly lit episode you might’ve been unlucky enough to tune into—we’ve finally gotten a taste of what we came for: Kim Kardashian doing very weird shit. Frankly, it took long enough for a series known for prioritizing shocking imagery over lasting, bone-chilling terror.

Last week’s episode was tough for Kardashian’s character, PR agent extraordinaire Siobhan Corbyn. Not only is her star client Anna Victoria Alcott (Emma Roberts) slowly losing her marbles, but she barely even reacted to the news that Siobhan landed her a Vogue cover. How rude! Those don’t come easily, and Kim should know, given that it took her over a decade as one of the most famous women in the world to land her own solo spread. But Anna’s ambivalence over a fashion magazine is the least of Siobhan’s worries now that her client is reluctant to do much of anything that Siobhan requires of her, which is being demanded for reasons unknown.

And though that reasoning is likely to remain murky until Part 1 of AHS: Delicate concludes next week, the plot is finally ramping up. Blessedly for us, Kardashian is right where she should be: at the center of it all.

This week in Siobhan’s world: A couple of new hires have arrived at the Siobhan Corbyn Center for Wayward Starlets to help rehab Anna’s flailing public image. The Ashleys—comprised of Ashley (Billie Lourd) and Ashleigh (Leslie Grossman)—are crisis management experts in the public relations sphere, and with Anna’s reputation in the toilet after her embarrassing appearance at the Gotham Awards and absconding to the Hamptons, it seems she certainly needs it.

The only problem? The Ashleys have been doing this kind of important work for a few hundred years, at least. The opening of Episode 4 sees Ashley and Ashleigh in England circa 1555, delivering a demon baby from Queen Mary I. “You made us a promise,” the Ashleys tell the Queen. “The most fruitful reign in England’s history in exchange for [your child].” Damn, and we all thought Mary Queen of Scots was bad!

How these ancient witches got in with Siobhan is as of yet unclear, but they’ve already sunk their talons into her agency. At a meeting between Siobhan, Anna, and the Ashleys, Siobhan tells her client that they’ve got to get her Q Rating up and fast, or it could affect Anna’s shot at a Golden Globe nomination for her hit indie film, The Auteur. When Anna protests, asking why her cover story in the fashion bible isn’t enough, Siobhan snaps back: “Honey, one Vogue cover isn’t going to cut it. These ladies have repped Demi Lovato, Louis C.K., Will and Jada, Alec and Hilaria, Paula Deen, Vanessa Lachey, and Meryl Streep.” (“Exactly,” the Ashleys reply to convey how good they are at their job when Anna asks what the hell Meryl did wrong.)

Kim Kardashian’s Acting Is Officially the Best Part of ‘American Horror Story’

But Anna isn’t just going to peddle some sob story on The View, the Ashleys and Siobhan have an even more brilliant, maniacal, evil genius plan for her: an Instagram Reel. The resulting video—an amusing, grayscale call to arms with empty platitudes about a woman’s right to menstruate and fart without the public backlash—is the funniest that AHS: Delicate has been so far. Roberts finally, briefly comes alive to match the prowess that Kardashian has surprisingly been showing off all season. But even her faux feminist monologue can’t beat Kim’s excellent empty cup acting during the meeting scene, a skill that even the most prestigious of actors have yet to master.

But Siobhan is just getting started. After some brief, boring asides to update us on the actual plot of this show (I’ll be honest, I literally forgot that this season was about Anna’s pregnancy and not her agent’s antics), we’re treated to another intense lecture at Kim Kardashian’s acting academy. None of her line deliveries have surpassed “tell the Daniels to suck my clit,” but “incredibly, you cum even faster the more often we fuck” definitely comes close.

‘American Horror Story’ Episode 2’s Scariest Moment: Kim Kardashian Sings Madonna

It’s revealed that Siobhan is schtupping Hamish Moss (Dominic Burgess), the director of The Auteur. The two have an agreement that Hamish can never tell Anna about their strictly physical relationship, which Hamish has gotten bored of, claiming that he loves Siobhan. “Ew, no you don’t,” she responds. “I’m using you and you’re using me, there’s nothing wrong with a little transactional sex—or transactional anything and everything, for that matter.”

Kim is clearly having a whole lot of fun in this scene, and her excitement about her delectably catty dialogue bleeds into the episode. This is the Siobhan Show now, and that’s basically undeniable when she continues to dress Hamish down as he’s dressing himself back up.

“By the way, I saw that interview you did with GQ online,” she says. “And when they asked you how you came up with the plot of The Auteur and you said something like, ‘It just came to me,’ you sound even fucking stupider than you already are. We know what happened, Hamish, but no one else can, got it? Otherwise, I break your dick off.”

Apparently, everyone is somehow in on this plot to loan out Anna’s womb to the Devil, and Siobhan seems like a high-level co-conspirator. Now that Anna’s image is back in the good graces of the public where she wants it, her evil little plan is back on track. Well, until the episode ends with Anna in a stupor, biting into a dead, maggot-ridden fox she found in her backyard. Pregnancy cravings are wicked, I hear. Let’s just hope the press doesn’t find out about that in next week’s finale of Part 1, that seems like something so bad that not even an Instagram Reel can fix it.

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