Kirk Neely: A wedding anniversary on Father’s Day. Being a husband, father closely connected

This year, two important days fall on the same calendar date. Today, Sunday, June 18, 2023, Clare and I will celebrate our 57th wedding anniversary. Sunday is also Father’s Day. This convergence of days has happened before. Celebrating these two days together is a poignant reminder of the connection between two important roles. Being a husband and being a father are closely connected in more ways than the most obvious one. Clare and I love each other. Our love has deepened over these 57 years. Our five children and 13 grandchildren are the happy blessings of our long-term marriage.

When I first met Clare, it was like I had been hit in the head with a hammer. She was the most beautiful woman I had ever seen. I was smitten. It was love at first sight. We were attracted to each other initially and soon became best friends. That friendship has grown as our respect, devotion, and affection for each other has matured. The home we have created, the garden we have cultivated, and the memories we have made all increase the strength of our bond.

The role of husband and father blend in such a way that now our grandchildren notice.

Recently, one of them asked me, “Papa Kirk, is Mama Clare your girlfriend?”

“Yes,” I said. “She has been my girlfriend for a long time, and she is my very best friend.”

“That’s a good thing because you are so old you probably couldn’t get a girlfriend now.”

“I am old,” I replied. “I have the one girlfriend that is special to me.”

I could almost see the wheels turning inside that child’s head. After all these years, what Clare and I have been able to do, only by the grace of the good Lord, is provide an example of strength and stability, love and commitment to those who follow. We are grateful every day for that gift.

When I asked what she wanted for our anniversary, her request was simple. “I just want us to have a meal together at home, be together, and have eye contact with no distractions.” Both of us are mindful that we have no idea how many more anniversaries we will have together. Each one is to be savored.

Most of us are aware that marriage can be fragile. Few extended families have escaped the pain of separation or divorce. Clare and I have several good friends and dear family members who have suffered through the dissolution of their marriages.

Both Clare and I had parents who were married to one person until death separated them: mom and dad for 58 years and Clare’s parents for 42 years. Our parents set a good example for us.

Clare and I were married on June 18, 1966, at Leesville Methodist Church. That Saturday afternoon was hot and humid in the midlands of South Carolina. Our wedding ceremony was to be brief and traditional.

Our wedding was a gathering of family and friends. My dad was the best man. My sister was the maid of honor. Bridesmaids included several of Clare’s college friends and cousins. My three brothers and Clare’s only brother, all teenagers, were the groomsmen.

The wedding proceeded just as we had rehearsed it the previous night. Holding Clare’s hands in mine, looking into her beautiful green eyes, I repeated my vows. I pledged my love to Clare. Then, suddenly, we heard a loud thud! Clare’s brother, Ben, had fainted.

Always a quiet person, Ben had been ill all night and had not told anyone, because he did not want anything to interfere with the wedding. Unable to eat, standing motionless next to a bank of glowing candles in a hot church on a steamy summer day, Ben passed out. When he fell forward his mouth hit the altar rail, knocking out his two front teeth. Blood spurted everywhere!

My brothers picked up Ben’s limp body and hauled him, arms and legs dangling, out the side door. Clare’s father jumped to his feet. The pastor brought the service to an uneasy pause, waiting to continue. Finally, the shaken father of the bride and the three stunned groomsmen returned. Then, while caring friends took Ben to a local dentist, Clare repeated her vows to me.

I have long thought that Clare had an advantage. As I repeated my vows, I had little understanding of what it meant to promise to love for better or worse. By the time we got around to her vows, she had an inkling of the wide range of unexpected occurrences that might lie ahead.

Few young couples understand the gravity of the vows they make. It is the commitment made between two marriage partners that is most important.

Our marriage has gone through numerous changes. For many years our marriage focused on our children. We had to make adjustments as our parents aged, especially when Clare’s mother suffered from dementia. More changes were required as our children became college students and then adults in their own right. Once our nest was empty, it started filling up again, this time with grandchildren. Clare and I enjoy our family, but we also take delight in those times we have for just the two of us.

We realize that our need for intimacy has not diminished, but it has changed. We have so much in common – a long history together, children, wonderful in-laws, and grandchildren. Marriages that endure are characterized by the bond that comes through shared experiences of joy and sorrow. The adventure of embarking together on a journey into the future is exciting and challenging.

A baffling enigma in marriage is that we can never fully understand our marriage partner. After more than 57 years of marriage, Clare and I are still getting to know each other. The mystery of marriage is that two people can know each other so well that they can predict what their partner will order at a restaurant. On the other hand, how can two people, married for decades, have such dramatic misunderstandings and puzzling miscommunication?

The Great Commandment

In a passage of Scripture not usually associated with marriage, I have discovered a way to understand the dimensions of marital intimacy.

Jesus quoted the Shema, Scripture he had heard in the synagogue since he was a child. “‘Hear, O Israel, the Lord our God, the Lord is one. Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength’” (Mark 12:29-30).

The passage quoted by Jesus is often referred to as the Great Commandment, which defines four ways to love God: heart, soul, mind, and strength. Simply put, we love God with all of our being. The commandment also identifies four aspects of human personality: the emotional, the spiritual, the mental, and the physical.

The Shema also has important implications for marriage. The Great Commandment defines four ways of loving God. These are also ways that we love our mate. Loving with strength, heart, mind, and soul are the four dimensions marital intimacy.

Loving with Our Strength: Physical Intimacy

God created men and women to be sexually attracted to each other. Physical attraction is often the first thing that draws us toward our future marriage partner.

Love at first sight is a wonderful, exciting experience. Love at first sight is almost always based on physical attraction, and there is an inherent danger. Let me be direct! Far too many couples make the decision to get married based on sex appeal only. It is a completely physical decision. Physical attraction is only one of the areas in which two people bond as marriage partners. Still, the physical bond is an important ingredient in marriage.

While the decision to marry must include physical attraction, it also requires compatibility of heart.

Loving with Our Hearts: Emotional Intimacy

In marriage, as in all of life, things do not always make sense. Taking a logical approach to problem solving may work in a math class or in the science lab, but in marriage feelings are as important as facts. That is not to say that commonsense should be suspended. While we need all of the common sense we can muster, emotions do need to be taken seriously.

In a healthy marriage, a couple will experience the full range of emotions. Clare and I have experienced much joy and much sorrow. The elation we felt at the births of each of our five children, the sense of accomplishment we experienced when they graduated from high school and college, the gladness we shared when they were married, and enjoying the arrival of our grandchildren have been significant blessings for us. All were joyful times.

But our marriage, as all marriages, has also included sorrow. The disappointment of three miscarriages, the grief that accompanied the deaths of our parents, and the unfathomable heartbreak following the sudden death of our son Erik, all were times of shared sorrow.

Clare and I cherish the sentiment of a Native American wedding blessing. May the wedded be so close that they can “taste each others tears.”

Our joy goes beyond our children. Clare and I are very best friends. We like each other, most of the time. Being together, working together on a project, sharing something that we have read, or enjoying a cup of coffee are moments of joy for us.

When I conduct a wedding, and there have been many, I often include a phrase in the wedding prayer. “O God, may the love they share multiply their joy and divide their sorrow in their life together.” This prayer is born out of the experiences of our own marriage.

In the foyer of our home is a framed piece of cross-stitch that reads, “Friends double our joy and divide our grief.” When marriage partners are best friends, that truth becomes a part of the fabric of life.

Conflict will certainly be a part of your marriage. In a healthy marriage, the issue is not how to avoid conflict. The issue is how to resolve conflict.

Anger is a legitimate human emotion. I am always suspect of a couple when they say they have never had a cross word with each other. I appreciate the story about Ruth Bell Graham, the late wife of Billy Graham. When asked by a reporter if she had ever considered divorce, Mrs. Graham replied, “Divorce? Never! Murder? Yes!”

Let me say something as strongly and as directly as I know how. Anger is normal. Abuse is not! Do not ever touch each other in anger.

In a relationship with a strong emotional bond, both people will feel security, trust, hope, and faithfulness. The Apostle Paul wrote, “[Love] always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres” (I Corinthians 13: 7). Couples with a strong emotional bond know that any feeling can be shared. They learn to give and receive unconditional acceptance.

Loving with Our Minds: Mental Intimacy

To borrow a phrase, “A mind is a terrible thing to waste.” It is no less tragic when one marriage partner decides there is nothing new to learn from the other.

In a healthy marriage, there are two teachers and two students. Both partners are open to learning from the other. In such a marriage there will be a growing appreciation for the unique talents and strengths of each partner. One will be better at managing the finances, balancing the checkbook, and preparing income tax returns. One will be the better chef and will enjoy cooking. One will be best at home repairs and mechanical work. One will be best at arranging furniture. One will be the gardener. It is important to understand that these strengths are not gender specific.

While a couple will settle into a comfortable division of labor, a lot of teaching and learning will occur in many, if not all, of these areas.

I can assure you that we all have much to learn over the course of our marriage. Choose your teacher well! It is important to marry a person whose opinions and judgments you respect.

A strong mental bond in marriage does not require complete agreement on every matter. It does require respect and a willingness to learn. It enables the couple to develop the shared values and goals, which are vital to every marriage.

The mental bond includes shared hopes, dreams, and goals. Without that kind of openness, the marriage becomes vulnerable to major misunderstanding and conflict.

Loving with Our Souls: Spiritual Intimacy

Couples sometimes decide to get married because it seems as if it is the next thing to do, next on the agenda. Little or no thought is given to the will and activity of God in their individual lives or in their life together as a married couple.

After we had dated awhile, Clare told me one of the reasons she was attracted to me. “We had a meal together,” she remembered, “and you said a blessing before we ate.” At the time I was surprised by her comment. Now I know differently. Our devotional life is not always consistent, but we have been praying together since that first date.

The spiritual bond is the most neglected aspect of marriage. For all of my pastoral counseling career, I have been asking the question of couples, “Do you pray together?”

In our marriage, Clare and I consider ourselves traveling companions on a spiritual pilgrimage. Sometimes my spiritual life is strong and sturdy. During those times I am able to encourage her and affirm her even if she is struggling. At other times, I depend on Clare’s spiritual strength until our journey brings us to an oasis where we can both be spiritually refreshed.

I encourage you to pray aloud together every day with your partner. Pray by phone if you are away from each other, but please pray. It will seem awkward when you first begin. Do it anyway. You will discover strength in your relationship that you cannot find any other way.

The Bonds of Matrimony

Jesus taught us to love God with heart, soul, mind, and strength. We love our marriage partner in these same four ways – emotionally, spiritually, mentally, and physically. These four kinds of intimacy are like four strands of a rope. Woven together, they become the bonds of matrimony.

Clare and I have noticed that at any point in time in our marriage, one or more of these areas will need extra attention. Marriage is like anything else of value; it must be maintained.

An annual marriage inventory is helpful. Some couples repeat their wedding vows on their wedding anniversary. However you decide to do it, make a commitment to take care of your marriage.

Perhaps the mistake that imperils marriage more than any other is neglect. Too often couples assume that once they are married everything will just work out with little or no effort on their part. A good marriage requires careful and consistent maintenance.

A marriage that is an enduring source of joy and love is reason to celebrate.

Kirk H. Neely is a freelance writer, storyteller, teacher, pastoral counselor, and retired pastor. He can be reached at kirkhneely44@gmail.com. Some of the stories in this column will be included in the forthcoming book “The 112-year Marriage.”

Over these past months, I have asked that we contribute to our local charitable agencies. This week, please do something to celebrate marriage. If you are unmarried, send a card to a couple whose marriage you admire, preferably one within your own family. Thank you for all you have done. Please continue with your kindness and generosity. Thank you.

This article originally appeared on Herald-Journal: Kirk Neely: A wedding anniversary on Father’s Day