What you need to know about couples therapy: When to go, how to prepare, and what to expect
You may need couples therapy if you can only see the negative or you have repetitive conflicts.
To get the most out of couples therapy, focus on your behavior and be honest and receptive with your partner.
You should avoid shifting blame, stonewalling your partner by going silent, and raising your voice during therapy.
Couples therapy is a type of therapy that can help a couple overcome issues in their relationship and learn better communication.
Not everyone needs couples therapy - in some cases, people can work out relationship conflicts on their own. But if you find yourself having the same argument over and over with your partner without any resolution, it might be time to see a couples therapist.
Here's what you need to know about when you should seek couples therapy and how it can help.
How to know if you need couples therapy
Couples therapy isn't only necessary during a time of crisis, like a breakup or major life change. It can also be useful to manage recurring conflict or underlying issues.
Important: Couples therapy is not designed to work for abusive or toxic relationships where one partner has more control. Experts advise that in some cases, the vulnerable things said in couples therapy can actually make issues worse, causing an abuser to become angry or violent. If this is the case, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or chat online here.
Some of the most common signs that you may need couples therapy are:
You can only see the negative. "If you find yourself repeating a story either out loud or internally that's laced with blame and contempt - a narrative where you no longer remember your partner or your relationship fondly - that's a real warning sign," Lusignan says. This may mean that your bad memories of the relationship have overcome the good ones, and that the relationship is at a tipping point, says Lusignan.
You have repetitive conflicts. If you have the same fights over and over that are never truly resolved and leave you feeling hurt, this may be a major concern, says Lusignan. "It's normal to fight to some extent in your relationship; what gets couples in trouble is the inability to resolve disagreements. Wounds not healed over time create resentment and ultimately erode at trust and connection," Lusignan says.
You aren't communicating. If you find yourself talking to your partner less and less, or you can't talk about your feelings, this may be a sign that the relationship needs help, says Steven Harris, PhD, a professor of Marriage and Family Therapy at the University of Minnesota. When this happens, "you are left to your own thoughts about what is happening in your relationship without having the benefit of being corrected by your partner," Harris says, adding that, "the echo chamber is dangerous."
When to go to couples therapy
"Couples typically wait far too long to seek out therapy," says Ashley Grinonneau-Denton, PhD, a certified sex therapist and Co-Director of the Sexuality Training Institute.
According to a 2021 study, couples generally wait around 2.5 years after serious problems start before seeking help. But When you leave relationship problems unsolved, they can grow, and what started as a small irritant can become overwhelming.
"It is ideal to seek out couples therapy at the first blush of conflict that seems hard to resolve on your own," Grinonneau-Denton says. This is because when you start earlier on, therapy is more likely to work well you can make progress more quickly.
How can you prepare for couples therapy?
Being well-prepared for couples therapy can make the experience more useful and help you to make changes more quickly. Here are three steps you should take before starting couples therapy, according to experts.
Choose the right therapist. "Make sure you find somebody who's truly experienced with couples therapy," says Ellyn Bader, PhD, founder and director of the Couples Institute in California.
Many therapists may list couples therapy on their websites but you should look to see if they have had any specialized training, Bader advises.
For example, you can ask if the therapist is a member of The American Association for Marriage and Family Therapists (AAMFT) or if they have training with scientifically- backed methods like the Gottman method.
Identify your goals for therapy. "The best way to prepare for couples counseling is to have a relationship goal in mind," says Chris Leeth, PhD, LPC-S, a professor of counseling at the University of Texas at San Antonio.
Some common goals might be:
To establish new routines in your relationship, like spending quality time together or redistributing chores.
To move forward toward marriage, particularly if one partner is reluctant or there are commitment issues.
Find a way to separate amicably. This may be especially important if the couple has children.
Knowing what you want to get out of therapy can help you, your partner, and the therapist come up with an effective plan, Leeth says.
What is the success rate of couples therapy?
Couples therapy is a highly effective way to help couples solve problems and develop healthier relationships. The American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy states that around 98% of clients were satisfied with therapy and 90% reported an improvement in their emotional health after couples therapy. In addition, about two-thirds of clients also saw an improvement in their physical health, as well.
Prepare yourself to be uncomfortable. "Counseling in general is a lot like exercise; we don't see results immediately, and it can often be uncomfortable," Leeth says.
You will need to accept that your partner may bring up things that anger, embarrass, or hurt you during therapy sessions.
But while couples therapy might be painful at times, this discomfort is an important part of the growth process.
How to get the most out of couples therapy
Once you actually start couples therapy, you may need to shift your attitude, change your communication, and put in some hard work. Here are some of the most important tips to help you get the best results out of couples therapy.
Focus on your own behavior. "Many times, people go to couple's counseling with a very detailed list of all the things the partner does or doesn't do," Leeth says. But for therapy to work, you will need to look at your own behavior as well.
"It is inevitable that partners will trigger emotional responses in each other. It's impossible not to," Bader says. When emotions are running high, this can lead to conflicts, hurt feelings, and misunderstandings between partners.
To make changes, you need to be willing to look at yourself and consider what you do when you get triggered, Bader says.
General advice: One of the things that couples therapists tend to emphasize is using "I"-statements. "Instead of saying 'You piss me off all the time' or 'You never listen,' it becomes 'I'm angry because…'or 'I feel like no one hears me,'" Leeth says.
"On the other hand, there are some people who overly blame themselves and are not assertive enough with their partners," says David Woodsfellow, PhD, a clinical psychologist and couples therapist at The Woodsfellow Institute for Couples Therapy.
These people might need encouragement to focus on what they want and don't want from their partner, Woodsfellow says.
Be honest. Being honest is not just about revealing secrets, but also openly expressing how you feel and what you want, Leeth says.
"If you want something different from the relationship or your partner, it won't do any good to keep that need private," says Leeth.
A couples counselor can help you express yourself openly, and help your partner to hear you. "This is the only way change will happen," Leeth says.
Be receptive. It can be hard to listen to your partner talk honestly about the issues in your relationship. But it's important to avoid getting defensive and remember that recognizing hard truths is part of the process.
"Just because we hear something we don't like, though, doesn't mean the relationship is doomed, or that we can't be happy," Leeth says.
A good couple's counselor will help both partners truly hear each other and work through painful thoughts and feelings.
Be willing to do homework. Couples therapy doesn't just take place in your therapist's office - your therapist may assign you exercises to help you make changes at home.
"Nobody comes into a relationship having all the skills they need," Bader says. Practice is needed to make real progress, and doing homework can help you make relationship changes more quickly.
Couples therapy homework
Bader says that she often assigns homework for couples to do on their own. Some common homework assignments might be:
Reading materials about the development of relationships over time, something that most of us don't learn in school.
Practicing asking questions that are not self-centered or self-focused. "I sometimes will send people home with a group of questions to ask their partner, and not talk about themselves," Bader says.
After coming home from a session, writing down three things you heard your partner describe during the session, trying to think from their point of view. You can then review this with your partner at the next session and see if you understood correctly.
Write down one thing each day that your partner did that you found rewarding. You can then give each other positive feedback during the next session.
Be patient. Making changes in a relationship takes time and you may not see results right away.
"My experience is that couple's counseling goes slow," Leeth says. "In the first few sessions, both partners are eager to explain what they want different about the relationship, but neither partner truly understands what the other is asking for or why."
Learning how to communicate more effectively will take time and practice. However, if you find yourselves just fighting for multiple therapy sessions, you may need a new couples therapist who can interrupt these patterns, Bader says.
What to avoid during couples therapy
"Couples therapy can feel like an opportunity to list off everything wrong with your partner, or conversely, to list off everything you do right in the relationship," Leeth says. But this focus on keeping score can hold you back from actually making positive changes.
The way you communicate can also have a positive or negative effect on how well therapy will work. Woodsfellow says you should avoid doing the following in a couples therapy session:
Yelling
Cursing
Threatening your partner
Stonewalling your partner by going silent
Leaving in the middle of a session
Having emotional reactions is normal, but the way you express yourself can either help or hurt the therapy process. "If you need to take a break to calm down during a session, say so. Take a few minutes and find a way to calm down," Woodsfellow advises.
Insider's takeaway
Couples therapy can be an important tool to encourage open communication and keep your relationship healthy. Not all couples will need couples therapy to overcome issues, but if you find yourself unable to resolve conflicts, seeing a therapist can be a good solution.
Addressing serious problems early on can also give you a better chance of working them out in therapy, before negative feelings take over. Many couples face hardships in life, and seeking therapy can help you navigate these challenges together.
"It is so very useful to use couples therapy as a way to make sense of the inevitable changes that each respective partner will face and the ripple effects those changes have on the relationship," Grinnoneau-Denton says.
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