Do you know it's National Rhode Island Day? It came as a surprise to Mark Patinkin, too
Hello, we’re calling to ask how to celebrate National Rhode Island Day.
“There’s such a day?”
Aren’t you a Rhode Island columnist?
“Guilty.”
And you didn’t know there’s a National Rhode Island Day?
“Guilty again.”
Apparently, every state has one, and yours is Oct. 5.
“Not for nothin', but I’ll be damned.”
It says you’re late in the calendar because you were the last of the Colonies to ratify.
“Yep – our delegates didn’t sign onto the Constitution until May 29, 1790, and even then it squeaked by 34-32.”
Your state sounds ornery.
“Guilty a third time. R.I. was pretty much formed by rebels who couldn’t get along elsewhere – scalawags, miscreants, renegades, heretics, insurgents, mutineers, malcontents, troublemakers, a few pirates and, as H.P. Lovecraft put it, the odd, the dissenting and the free.”
I assume you’ve gotten more mainstream since then.
“Kind of. Though there was that time a few years ago Providence almost reelected a mayor who’d served five years for corruption.”
Why’d a felon get so many votes?
“Because we secretly like a scoundrel, plus he sold a really good pasta sauce called `The Mayor’s Own.’”
So is the state shut down for National Rhode Island Day?
“No sir. Not a single event planned that I know of.”
But aren’t you the only state that still celebrates Victory Day for Japan’s World War II surrender?
“Yes.”
Which some say is politically incorrect.
“Well, our name was Rhode Island and Providence Plantations from 1636 until 2020, so it took 384 years to drop ‘plantations.’ By that standard, we’ll get around to dropping Victory Day in another three centuries.”
I see that Oct. 5 is also World Teachers Day, National Be Nice Day, and Bring Your Bible to School Day.
“I respect that, but Rhode Island is the global cradle of separation of church and state, so …”
I also see Oct. 4 is National Taco Day, and Oct. 3 is National Boyfriend Day.
“Hmm, I wonder if that’s the day that mayor of ours was first kicked out of office – for beating up his ex-wife’s boyfriend in 1984.”
He did what?
“Oh, that was just a career hiccup; he got reelected a few years later.”
Patinkin: Weird works in 2023, and that's why I'm giving RI's giant stuffies a chance
Wow – you guys do like a scoundrel, don’t you?
“I don’t want to give the impression we’re weird.”
Then tell me about Rhode Island’s more normal customs so we can celebrate your day.
“Well, for starters, you should check out our 7-foot stuffie installations at airports.”
What are stuffies?
“Stuffed clams or quahogs. We’re using giant Styrofoam replicas to draw tourists.”
Hmm – do you have normal foods?
“For sure. Grinders, johnnycakes, cabinets, doughboys, Del's, coffee milk, jimmies, Iggy's, clam cakes, snail salad, New York system, Awful-Awfuls …”
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Can't say I know any of those. But I do know you guys are run by the mafia.
“In the '60s, maybe. But thank you, we always appreciate an outdated stereotype.”
Anytime. And is there really a town there called "Quahog"?
“Not exactly.”
At least I assume you know Taylor Swift.
“Well …”
So tell me in one word what you are known for.
“We’re quaint.”
Quaint, you say?
“Totally. Fishing villages, gondola rides, cobblestones, lawn tennis, bike paths, beaches, bistros, college quads and lots of artsy stuff.”
Wow. You sound like you know all things Rhode Island.
“I like to think I do.”
Then enjoy your national day.
“Never heard of it.”
mpatinki@providencejournal.com
This article originally appeared on The Providence Journal: National Rhode Island Day is Oct. 5. It's a surprise to Mark Patinkin
