Know the signs: How to be more aware of when a relationship can turn deadly

Editor's note: This story is part of a series on domestic violence. Other stories in this series focus on the scope of the problem in Tennessee, the impact of COVID-19, the judicial system and legal process and issues related to child abuse. If you or someone you know needs help, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233.

In what could only be described as an epiphany, Susanne Post said she realized she was in an abusive relationship while she was talking to her counselor one day.

The abuse wasn't physical, she said, which made it all the more troubling, and it wasn't until friends and family said something that she realized what had been going on.

“My situation was mostly verbal and emotional abuse,” said Post, the owner of Franklin's Shine Salon. In 2017, she partnered with the YWCA to co-found Shear Haven, an initiative that's trained more than 100,000 beauticians and industry professionals in more than 100 countries on the signs of domestic violence. Because of her efforts, Tennessee lawmakers passed a bill in 2020 requiring all state beauticians to take such training and learn how to speak with victims.

'It was serious'

But when she was struggling in her own marriage, Post didn't have a lot of information about the signs of domestic violence, she said. Overwhelmed, she remembers researching the signs of emotional and verbal abuse and checking every box on a list of signs.

The revelation was a turning point, but she still found it difficult to leave. She and her husband had a son, and they were going to counseling, but there were times when he was unpredictable and volatile, she said.

One day after an argument, she took their son and left, and within weeks, she said her husband committed suicide.

“All I knew was in that moment, I wasn’t safe with our son with him,” Post said. “I could just tell in his voice that it was serious.”

Domestic Violence Detective Terrance McBride, a 10-year veteran of the Metro Nashville Police Department, said law enforcement often wonders why victims aren’t able to leave.

“That's what makes these interpersonal crimes so complex ... you want to love the person,” he said. “But, they're showing you another side, and sometimes it's hard to get out of it. Because love is hard to break.”

What is domestic abuse?

Domestic abuse, also known as domestic violence or intimate partner violence, is defined as "as a pattern of behavior in any relationship that is used to gain or maintain power and control over an intimate partner," according to the United Nations.

This can include any behavior that is intended to scare or intimidate someone. That includes treating someone roughly, blaming their partner for the abuser's actions or preventing them from doing activities they want.

Early signs of an abusive partner

There are millions of domestic violence cases reported in the U.S. every year.

According to the Nashville Police Domestic Violence Division, one in four women and one in nine men will experience domestic violence in their lifetimes, with women between the ages of 20-24 being at the greatest risk of intimate partner violence.

Warning signs of an abusive partner include tense and rapid attachment, said Megan Haselschwerdt, an associate professor of child and family studies at the University of Tennessee Knoxville.

They have a strong desire to be with their partner constantly, disregarding personal boundaries. The behavior is unhealthy, at best, but it could lead to isolation and become potentially abusive, she said.

Family members say that's what happened to Savanna Puckett, who was shot and killed in January 2022. Puckett, a four-year veteran of the Robertson County Sheriff’s Office, met James Jackson Conn, then 27, on a dating site. Her mother, Kim Dodson, said Conn was hardly a boyfriend, but he would bring the 22-year-old gifts of things she needed around the house.

“To me, at the time, I thought that’s nice," Dodson said.

Even though the two were casually dating, Dodson said, Puckett would complain about how Conn would sit too close and come over uninvited. She remembers telling her daughter to cut him out of her life, block his number and quit responding.

Days before her death, Puckett called 911 to report that Conn had shown up uninvited. Robertson County Sheriff's Office Sgt. Megan Ketchum later testified that Puckett seemed scared, so she gave the deputy a service weapon for additional protection.

After Puckett did not report for her shift on Jan. 23, 2022, deputies went to check on her and found her home on fire, her body inside. The weapon Ketchum had given her was not found.

Conn was arrested and charged in connection with Puckett’s death a day later after an hours-long standoff with authorities. He pleaded guilty in August to first degree murder, aggravated arson and especially aggravated burglary in Robertson County, court records show.

Today, Dodson is fighting for an open domestic violence registry and stricter laws similar to sexual assault registries, which show offender names and addresses. She often paints her fingernails with a purple ribbon in honor of domestic violence victims and her daughter.

“As long as I’m alive, she’s going to be alive through me,” Dodson said.

'Socialized as caretakers'

According to Haselschwerdt, many women might interpret a constant desire for closeness as a form of flattery and feel a need to help their partners emotionally, disregarding any red flags because they feel hopeful there's a potential for change.

"Especially for women in the United States, there's cultural and racial ethnic variations, but in general, women are socialized to be caretakers and to do a lot of the emotional work for men,” she said. “That socialization to be caretakers can be problematic in the context of these relationships."

Abusers tend to prey upon the insecurities or vulnerabilities of other people, Haselschwerdt said. If a person struggles with low self-esteem, an abuser can use it as an advantage, making that person feel as if the abuser is the best thing for them, as if they are not deserving of anyone else, she said.

Over time, most abusers begin to dictate how their partner dresses, how they should behave or who they surround themselves with, eventually limiting their contact with others, she said.

The cycle of violence includes three phases: tension building, violent eruption and honeymoon.

During tension building, a victim will often sense something is coming, but they don't know what or when, Haselschwerdt said, noting that the stress can be so intense, some victims will trigger their partners on purpose to get to the next stage, when the abuser will engage in physical or sexual violence.

Afterwards, during the honeymoon phase, there is an acknowledgment about what happened, though it often places blame on the victim, she said.

“If you hadn’t gone to lunch with your male colleague, I wouldn’t have reacted that way,” Haselschwerdt gave as an example.

Certain behaviors can put victims at an increased risk of being killed by an intimate partner. They include:

• Strangulation. The risk for homicide is exponentially higher if an abuser has ever strangled the victim or attempted to in the past.

• Threats of suicide.

• Job loss or job insecurity. According to Haselschwerdt, any time there is a recession, there is also an increase in calls for domestic violence shelters and an increase in the risk of homicide in romantic relationships. This is especially true for male abusers, who can often see their confidence rooted in traditional notions of masculinity, she said.

“Abusers want to have the power and control and upper hand on things,” Haselschwerdt said. “When they experience something which knocks them off the ledge, women and children become an easy target in the home.”

McBride said financial dependence is another reason why victims may have a difficult time leaving abusive relationships.

“Financially, they just can't, especially with today's inflation and everything,” he said.

The two year window after a separation from an abusive partner is when victims are at the most risk, Haselschwerdt said.

"When the victim tries to sever that control, the ultimate way of regaining control is by murder,” she said. “Whether it's by murdering children, murdering the wife and leaving the children behind, that ultimately becomes the biggest tool that they have."

Where violent natures stem from and how gender plays a role in abuse

In McBride’s experience working with victims at the Family Safety Center, there is a word he says stands out the most — narcissist.

Research has shown that people who engage in abuse tend to disproportionately have some type of personality disorder, such as a borderline personality or narcissistic personality.

While not all people with personality disorders go on to abuse, there are certain personality traits associated with perpetrators, Haselschwerdt said, pointing out difficulties with regulating emotion, a lack of empathy and intense fears of abandonment as examples.

Although historically and statistically, the majority of abusers are men, women are also capable of committing acts of violence. Though the abuse might be more psychological in nature, abuse by women can include extreme surveillance, where she keeps tabs on him and isolates him from friends or family, Haselschwerdt said.

"The psychological abuse can be gendered in nature, such as targeting a man's masculinity or characteristics typically associated with traditional notions of masculinity,” she added. “For example, their career prospects, their intelligence or their ability to financially support."

Post wants to make sure men and women get out of abusive relationships. For some, a salon appointment might be their only freedom, and the 30-year veteran stylist doesn’t take that lightly.

“We may be the only consistent person who really cares about them, that sees them every week, six weeks, three months," she said.

To learn more, visit ofs.nashville.gov and take the Is this abuse? quiz.

Diana Leyva covers trending news and service for The Tennessean. Contact her at Dleyva@gannett.com or follow her on X, the platform formerly known as Twitter, at @_leyvadiana

This article originally appeared on Nashville Tennessean: Domestic abuse signs: Emotional, verbal, physical abuse look different