Some last-minute gift ideas for Santa on behalf of local newsmakers

Bill Studenc, The Mountaineer, Waynesville, N.C.
·4 min read

Dec. 18—Dear Santa,

It's been several years since I put pen to paper (ok, make that put finger to keyboard) to share my Christmas wishes.

No, Mr. Claus, these aren't wishes for presents for me. But, I have been very good. If you could work your holiday magic and secure a raise for your favorite local newspaper columnist — or perhaps a nice bonus that isn't a one-year membership in the jelly-of-the-month club, even though it's the gift that keeps on giving the whole year — well, that would be a Christmas miracle.

As you're getting ready for next weekend, here are some last-minute requests on behalf of local newsmakers who have been too busy making news to send you their lists. It's up to you to decide who's naughty and who's nice.

—For newly elected Haywood County tax collector Sebastian Crawford, a 21-year-old senior majoring in accounting and political science at UNC-A, extra credit for what the academic types call "experiential learning." I can think of no better real-world learning experience for an accounting and political science major than tackling the role of county tax collector as your first "big-boy job."

—For other Haywood County officials and department heads, some patience until the aforementioned tax collector can get some on-the-job training.

—For would-be first-time homeowners, a return to normalcy in housing prices across Western North Carolina.

—For parents of Tuscola High School students who were upset that little Karen and Ken might be exposed to a dirty word or three by reading "Dear Martin," an acclaimed young adult novel taking a hard look at race relations — cancellation of their cable TV and streaming services, except for Disney Channel and TV Land, so they aren't subjected to the R-rated language of contemporary entertainment. Actually, cancel TV Land, too. After all, that Blanche on "The Golden Girls" can be quite saucy and suggestive.

—For Mark Jaben, medical director for the county Department of Health and Humans Services, gratitude for serving as the calm face of science and reason during the height of the global COVID-19 pandemic's grip. I was going to refer to him as our local Anthony Fauci, but that name is a lightning rod for some folks, so I'll just call him Dr. Jaben.

—For folks still picking up the pieces along the banks of the Pigeon River following last year's devastating floods spawned when Tropical Storm Fred dumped some 20 inches of rain upstream, sufficient support from local, state and federal officials to enable them to relocate out of harm's way. After all, the 2021 disaster was the second so-called 500-year flood event to hit that stretch of water in less than 20 years (remember 2004's hurricanes Frances and Ivan?). With the increasingly evident impact of climate change on weather patterns, it likely won't be another 17 years before the next 500-year flood.

—For Pisgah High School's football team, a true homefield advantage after back-to-back seasons of playing home games at out-of-town stadiums because of damage from that flooding.

—For Steve Lloyd, who served as executive director of Haywood Arts Repertory Theater for some 32 years before quietly stepping offstage into retirement, a standing ovation for transforming an enthusiastic troupe of "I've-got-a-stage, you've-got-some-costumes" budding thespians into one of the Southeast's top regional theaters.

—For the Haywood County Republican Party, congratulations for sweeping every contest on the local ballot in November and best wishes in accomplishing the hard task ahead of governing and serving. Regardless of political leanings, there's more to be risked than to be gained by wishing ill of the people driving the bus we all are riding.

—For the Haywood Democratic Party, a set of nose-plugs and swimming goggles to survive the local red wave and mount strong campaigns for the next round of local elections. Again, regardless of political leanings, there's more to be gained from competitive elections involving qualified candidates than from single-party dominance.

—For would-be customers of the Hoochie Hut, a 24-hour adult entertainment business advertised on a sign off Old Balsam Road, the understanding that the billboard was simply one landowner's way of thumbing his nose at neighbors' complaints about junk vehicles on his property. Some say revenge is a dish best served cold. As Austin Powers might say, revenge is sometimes best when served hot and sexy. Yeah, baby!

—For readers of The Mountaineer, a happy holiday season and a peaceful New Year.

Bill Studenc, who began his career in journalism and communications at The Mountaineer in 1983, retired in January 2021 as chief communications officer at Western Carolina University. He now writes about life in the mountains of Western North Carolina.