Learning to be an ally: What a reporter learned in 'Safe Space' training may surprise you

I'd been an ally for most of my life. But now, I was going to learn how to be one.

About a dozen people gathered in a meeting room at the Kent Free Library recently to take "Safe Space Training" from Ken Ditlevson, director of the LGBTQ+ Center at Kent State University. The training, which also offered lessons on how to be an effective ally, was part of the Rainbow Weekend festivities in Kent.

At the end of the training, those who signed an "ally pledge" were given a placard to display in their home or office, declaring that they were allies and that the place was a "safe space." I thought it might be a good thing to take the ally training because I routinely interview and interact with a variety of different people, including members of the LGBTQ+ community.

Ditlevson, a gay married man, said he is always learning new things, because labels and definitions have changed over the years. He said it's important for people to be an ally, whether part of the LGBTQ+ community or not, because there is misunderstanding.

"We've been told really negative stories," he said. "Sometimes we put our foot in our mouth."

Language and pronouns

A key part of conveying respect for one another, Ditlevson said, is to respect pronouns. Using your own pronouns, whether in an introduction or an email signature, opens the door for others to share theirs, he said.

"Language is really key in helping people feel more comfortable," he said.

Pronouns can tell you a person's gender, or if that person is non-binary. Most non-binary people use "they/them" pronouns, but also some use gendered pronouns. If a person uses they/she or they/he pronouns, Ditlevson said, it usually means that they prefer the first pronoun.

If you don't know a person's pronouns, it's always acceptable to ask, or use the person's name, he said.

Putting pronouns on a business card, name tag or email signature can help people feel comfortable in a business setting, he suggested.

We learned a list of terminology "dos and don'ts." Instead of "sexual preference," we should say "sexual orientation." Instead of saying that someone was "born a boy or girl," we should say the person was "assigned male or female at birth." Instead of "gay marriage," it's better to just say marriage, or marriage equality. And some phrases or terminology, like "that's so gay," or asking a trans person about their genitals, are unacceptable.

It reminded me about a time when I interviewed MJ Eckhouse at a meeting when Kent City Council approved an ordinance that protected the LGBT community. Eckhouse told me that he was a trans person but didn't tell me his gender. I asked, "How do you identify," which caught him off guard. Later, he told me that the question "how do you identify" implies doubt.

I told him I didn't mean it that way. Another trans person told me that she "identifies as female" so I followed her lead.

The better question that I should have asked is, "Hi MJ, what are your pronouns?"

Taking action

Being an ally, Ditlevson explained, goes beyond being respectful of LGBTQ+ people.

"Being an ally is about action," he said.

Ditlevson gave an example of his recent trip to his local post office to get a refund for his spouse. When the clerk said his name wasn't the same as the name of the person on the paper, Ditlevson said the man was his husband, and he could prove that they were married.

Someone in line who overheard the exchange yelled at him to shut up and made a threat based on Ditlevson's sexual orientation.

Ditlevson said he asked the Post Office staff if they would do anything about the threat, but was told that they can't control the behavior of their customers.

The Green Dot bystander intervention program outlines three D's that can be used to intervene in situations like this. The bystander can be direct, and confront the person making the threat. They can delegate by asking someone in charge to intervene. Or they can distract, and talk about the weather or some other subject. Some people add a forth D, and document the situation.

It obviously would have helped had an ally been present. I'd like to think that I, or someone braver than me, might have said, "Not cool" to the heckler. An ally could have said something like: "That guy's not hurting you. He's just trying to take care of some business for his spouse." Or we could have added our voices to Ditlevson's, asking the post office staff or a supervisor to let customers conduct business without being threatened.

Ditlevson said he tells that story every time he offers the training. One participant, he said, offered to write a letter after discovering that Ditlevson didn't file a formal complaint.

The ally pledge

At the end of the training, I signed a pledge to be an ally to the LGBTQ+ community. I read the pledge, promising to "create a safe space in my work" by displaying the "Safe Space" logo and addressing people with their preferred names and pronouns. I also pledged to challenge "heterosexism, transphobia, homophobia, and heteronormativity in our community; and treating all people regardless of gender or sexual identity with dignity and respect."

I pledged to "continue to educate myself and those around me about the harmful effects of oppression, and consistently check my privilege." I also promised to stay current with available LGBTQ+ affirming resources so I could give safe referrals to people in need. Because being an ally is about action and not ideas, I promised to be part of a "support network and action team" for LGBTQ+ people.

If for some reason I can no longer fulfill my responsibilities, I must remove my safe space logo placard.

Events and LGBTQ+ resources in Kent and beyond

The group was given a list of resources in the area. They included LGBTQ+ Youth Center in Portage, Summit and Stark counties, PFLAG in Akron, resources specifically for trans people, and a list of affirming faith communities.

The Kent State LGBTQ+ Center has a list of upcoming events planned, many of which are open to the community. They include a "Homecoming TailGAYte" at Bricco Kent on Saturday, an Asexual/Aromantic Roundtable discussion, and a virtual panel on Nov. 30 titled "So Your Kid Came Out."

Preregistration for the virtual panel is required, and can be done through a link on the center's website.

Reporter Diane Smith, a certified ally to the LTBTQ community whose pronouns are she/her, can be reached at 330-298-1139.

This article originally appeared on Record-Courier: Learning to be an ally: Reporter takes 'Safe Space' training