Lenawee Smiles: What do some men have against public restrooms?

Good grief. Restrooms abound coast to coast on land and on sea. In public buildings, gas stations, restaurants, and, if all else fails, construction sites.

Yes, I’ve been desperate enough to stop the car, dash across a sand pile (it was tempting), skirt some cement blocks, fly past some hard-hatted guys and leap inelegantly into a blue booth. Fortunately, no one was in there.

I left and thanked the slack-jawed head-scratchers who were watching me and got back in my car and drove off a lighter and happier woman.

Given that there are many opportunities for relief everywhere in every civilized country, why oh why do some men choose to use the vast outdoors???

A friend maintained that the only reason barns were built originally was for men to have a private place for urination. I gave him a look. He retreated to the kitchen.

Anyway, I recently returned from Europe. The trip had its “moments” and not a few of them were eyebrow raisers. I will write about them as I recover.

I was in Bayeux to see the famous 900-year-old tapestry made by some bawdy seamstresses who had a sense of humor. I’d been waiting 44 years to see this 70-meter-long antiquity. It is housed behind glass in its own museum. It’s called by some “the world’s oldest comic book” — and with good reason.

Bayeux is not a large city by any means, so you’d think it would be easy to reach the museum.

Perhaps it is if you have a GPS implanted in your brain. I do not, and if you’ve read any of my columns, you know I am so technologically challenged I can barely use my iPhone.

I asked at the desk in my hotel how to get to the museum. In his broken English, Gilles gave me directions using elegant Gallic gestures. I nodded my head, murmured “merci” many times, and bowed my way backwards out the door into the courtyard.

One word I grasped was “arch.” On first count, I believe I spotted some five arches when I pivoted on one toe outside the hotel. I also heard “opital.” OK. Arch and hospital.

I was in possession of two words and if used them judiciously I might, just might, get to the museum. Off I went, made several wrong turns and ended up in a cul-de-sac of questionable scenery. I retreated and saw a more impressive arch and walked toward it.

As I reached it, a gentleman with a dog was in front of me. I followed him through and within a nanosecond, he had started to relieve himself against the inside of this stone arch.

I cut a sharp left to avoid an unwanted shower and noticed his dog patiently waiting. Clearly this was routine.

Now. I could not believe this fellow could not have found a restroom. We were within sight of a hospital and at least two museums plus a restaurant. But clearly he preferred the vast outdoors and its many choices.

I finally found the tapestry museum and began my slow walk around it to follow the story, in embroidery, of William, Duke of Normandy’s, conquest of England in 1066. Its story is told stitch by painstaking stitch. Horses, ships, armor, clothing, men looking fierce, men looking frightened, crowns, spears: It is all there and more.

Along the bottom of the main work is a secondary piece of needlework. Most of it is covered with representations of animals: dogs or perhaps falcons. However, it seems a few of the women got mightily tired of the battles and blood.

They stitched a few men in “mother’s own,” as the Brits say. Buck naked. Totally bare. And in some scenes, clearly ready to start a family with some wench nearby.

I guess men at battle probably do need to let off steam as well as armor when they are not drawing swords, swinging chains or using a mace. Or maybe they were looking for a barn.

Note: Should you go to Bayeux, The Churchill Hotel is fine place to stay.

Susan Keezer lives in Adrian. Send your good news to her at lenaweesmiles@gmail.com.

This article originally appeared on The Daily Telegram: Susan Keezer: What do some men have against public restrooms?