My Take: Let there be light

This is a true story.

Well, mostly true, except for the parts that are embellished, exaggerated, or just plain made up.

To help the reader, I’ll give a heads up by flagging the true parts with a TRUE! and the not-so-true with a FAKE NEWS! so you know what to believe as “almost Gospel” and what to disregard as “pure baloney.”

Don’t you wish politicians were so nice? You’re welcome.

Anyway, this part is TRUE!

Not so long ago, you may recall that the Michigan Wolverines played the Alabama Crimson Tide. Having wasted a lot of taxpayer’s money (grants and loans) in attending the U-M in the Stone Age, I felt a moral obligation to watch the Big Game.

Back in the good old days, football could be watched for free on network television. Not anymore.

Now there is something called “streaming” — a high-tech word for ripping off viewers who want to watch football without mortgaging their home to buy season tickets to the Big House.

This game required subscribing to something called Hulu. When it came time to watch the Big Game, I clicked on Hulu and was shockingly informed I could not because I needed to be subscribed to something called Hulu Live TV.

Since there were only minutes until kickoff, I was forced to listen to the game on my $5 transistor radio. As you also may recall, the overtime game was decided by a thrilling fourth down goal line stand.

Which I completely missed.

Because just as the final play began, ESPN radio inexplicably switched to another station with people talking about something that had nothing to do with football. Call it a glitch, although I confess to using other words not suitable for a family newspaper.

After five frantic minutes of searching the internet, I finally discovered who had won.

While my wife administered CPR (FAKE NEWS!), I vowed this would never happen again (TRUE!)

Days before Michigan prepared to play Washington for the National Championship, I subscribed to Hulu Live TV for a mere $76.99 a month — about what it cost to attend U-M for a semester in 1969.

I smugly watched the Big Game while a blizzard raged outside, until the start of the second quarter. Suddenly the TV went black, along with the entire house. I then recalled hearing what sounded like a transformer exploding outside.

“Where’s the transistor radio?” I screamed at my wife.

“In the trash,” she replied. “Remember?”

Fumbling in the dark, I became disoriented and angry. I didn’t know exactly why, but I wanted revenge and retribution as I destroyed half the house, feeling like a loser and longing for the good old days.

“I’m afraid,” I whimpered to my wife.

“Of the dark?” she asked.

“No,” I stammered. “I’m afraid I’m becoming a Republican.” (FAKE NEWS!)

My wife shined a flashlight in my squinty eyes and saw the befuddled look on my face as I stumbled around.

“You look more like Joe Biden,” she smirked. (TRUE!)

After she found the radio in the trash (next to empty bottles of Metamucil and Xanax), we listened in the dark to the Big Game — until the lights suddenly flickered on and the TV glowed with the beginning of the fourth quarter.

It was a miracle of modern technology, no less miraculous than Michigan’s stunning victory!

So, what have I learned? Well, electricity is almost as important as having a huge offensive line and a stalwart defense. (TRUE!)

Also, never throw away your transistor radio. (TRUE!)

And if you ever feel angry, lost, and don’t know which way to turn, always go toward the light — especially when it comes to politics.

— Bill Dalton is a former reporter and editor at The Kansas City Star and several Michigan newspapers, including The Grand Rapids Press and The Ann Arbor News.

This article originally appeared on The Holland Sentinel: My Take: Let there be light