Let your marital light shine: A call to cute old married couples everywhere

I conduct the congregational music each week at my church, so I sit up on the rostrum. My wife of 47 years sits beside me. As a result, we’ve become that “cute old couple” in our congregation, even if our not-quite seven decades of life make such a designation seem a bit premature. While a few of the young whippersnappers have told us directly that they get a kick out of seeing us together — it somehow buoys their own marital hopes and aspirations — others just smile from a distance. They like watching us shuffle up the hill to the chapel, holding hands. We like it too, enjoying being a “we” even more than being a “me.” (Along with the assurance a steady hand provides during my occasional bouts of minor vertigo.)

While I don’t revel in my oldness (see previous sentence) and being called “cute” annoys my masculine sensibilities a little, increasingly I want to embrace that unexpected role of “cute old married couple.” We live in an age when far too many young people struggle to see marriage as a realistic (or even relevant) option, despite their personal aspirations. Or they worry that their own embryonic relationships don’t have what it takes to grow into mature, lasting love, especially in a culture that struggles to know how to support marriage as a fundamental social institution. Their parents or admired older sister or best friend from high school couldn’t do it; how are they different? Doubt — about the marital institution itself or their own ability to make marriage work in their own young lives, or both — is endemic. Not surprisingly, marital formation rates have declined considerably.

Yet the personal and public value of healthy, strong marriages is abundantly clear in available scientific research. Married adults are happier (and richer). Children are advantaged. Communities are safer (and fairer).

Young people, in particular, need to see the living embodiment of these empirical associations. Who better than cute old couples like us — who have weathered the many storms of married life and through hard work and patience (and a little luck) have navigated to a serene harbor of marital richness — to softly proclaim the merits of this long, challenging, rewarding journey we call marriage?

As we approach the annual holiday that celebrates romantic love, I’m calling on all cute old married couples — and middle-aged married folk, too — to join me in being walking, talking symbols of marital hope to our children, our neighbors and our communities. The New Testament records Jesus’ admonition to let our good works shine for all to see. There are too many marital lights hidden under bushels. I’ve been guilty of this myself. Maybe part of it comes from knowing that many extended family members and friends and neighbors and colleagues have personally experienced the heartbreak of divorce.

In a climate of such relationship pain, I can hesitate to hold myself out as somehow superior in these sensitive matters. But another part of it, I think, is that we are embedded in a culture that says marriages are private and we don’t speak in polite company about such personal matters. Of course, a third part of this light-obscuring bushel-ness is simply a realization that my own marriage is imperfect; who am I to hold up the lantern of matrimonial achievement? Jesus had a thing for hypocrisy, too.

So, how can we still let our marital lights shine and not be hypocrites (or insensitive)? I think part of this dilemma is resolved by being open about our own marital warts, alongside our occasional Instagram-worthy moments. We can talk openly about the mistakes we’ve made and how we worked through them over time. We can share our narratives with younger people about how much real growth it took to achieve a sense of relational security and serenity. Young people today appreciate honesty and demand authenticity. And we need to overcome that cultural inhibition to talk about our marriages. People readily talk (and post) about their parenting — the joys and the struggles. How can we be authentic with the next generation and not share the most central element of our life?

So, just share your journey. Talk about how the highs are sweeter because of the lows we’ve trudged through. Explain how the depth of knowing each other so fully over time creates a peace hard to find in our transactional and turbulent lives. Be open with the protective power of intertwined lives in a society suffering from an epidemic of loneliness and ennui. Confess how “all-in” commitment to marriage (in a society that makes choice and freedom primary ends rather than valuable means) creates strength to power through the hard times, and avoid seeing greener grass on the other side of the fence. Maybe even mention how a community web of strong, lasting marriages makes the American dream more achievable for young people.

Those last few sentences may sound a little highbrow, of course. But don’t let it stop you — there are so many ways to spread the marital hope.

• Tell that young couple renting next door about how much a spontaneous kiss together still means to you. Maybe even ask them to dinner once a month — becoming informal marriage mentors.

• Let your young adult children know how long it took you to really open yourself up to your spouse’s influence (instead of thinking you were always right) and that your two brains together make you a lot smarter.

• Recount to a friend whose partner is struggling with mental health issues how clueless you were about depression/anxiety/PTSD but eventually learned how to be there for your wife and become her quasi-competent mental health care first responder.

• Muse to your young co-workers about how all those marital challenges prematurely turned your hair silver, but that silver is the color of wisdom and love.

• Chuckle with grandchildren about that quirky little thing he does and how it has become a source of unique satisfaction (and inside jokes).

• Confess in Sunday School how moderating your youthful habit of watching dawn-to-dusk college football games on Saturday not only kept the peace but opened you up to more enjoyable leisure pursuits together as a family.

• And by all means, indulge in modest public displays of affection.

This isn’t a call only for those who have successfully avoided divorce. Remarried couples in strong relationships may be especially effective at hope-mongering for marriage. Remarriage sends a strong public signal about the value of marriage, and the hard-earned triumph of hope over bitter experience.

I also think there is an important role for those who have gone through the heartbreak of a divorce but have not remarried. We are even more silent about our divorces than our marriages. As much as possible, be judiciously and compassionately open about the reasons for your divorce and even your own contributions to the problems. Uphold the goodness of the institution while acknowledging the difficulties of building and sustaining a strong marriage. Despite your own personal hurt and even trauma, be optimistic about the potential that marriage holds.

Necessary divorces actually uphold the ethical boundaries of marriage by naming the serious wrong. Let young people see where those clear boundaries are and visualize what happens when partners trespass those lines. Also, let them see how such deep disappointment can be alchemized into enduring optimism and compassion for others’ struggles. Old couples who have been married for 47 years may be perceived as a bit prosaic and dull. So, young people might be uniquely attracted to these other stories of people who have experienced the drama of divorce but still adhere to marriage’s institutional importance.

But what if you’re approaching the cute-old-married-couple stage of life and aren’t so sure you have so much to share? Maybe you find that your empty-nest relationship is a little dusty and your marriage light is a little dim due to all the pressures of modern work and family lives.

It might feel hypocritical to raise the banner of marriage in this circumstance. So, make this your time to reboot. Reinvigorate your relationship with time and focus and intentional effort and education. There are a plethora of great marriage education sources. (I’m a little biased as manager of the Utah Marriage Commission, but my honest-to-goodness favorite source is StrongerMarriage.org.)

If you want more help, marriage counselors love working with couples who feel things are a little stale but really want to recharge their relationship. And take some of that hard-earned money and invest it in some well-deserved couple fun. With a little work and fun, you can in short order become part of the cute-old-married-couple club, too.

So, cute old married people of the world, let’s stand up! (Even if we hunch a little.) Whatever your age and relational history, stop hiding your imperfect marital candlelight under a bushel. Wear your marital accomplishments with grateful pride and share your connubial wisdom with the world. The next generation needs and wants your openness.

This Valentine’s Day, consider giving a more lasting treat to your children and young neighbors than chocolate kisses. Witness to the beauty of a life of growing, deepening, evergreen love together. However simple they may be, trust me: Those words and actions will endure longer and be more meaningful than Hallmark card sentiments — and could be what makes the difference for a wavering couple on the edge, watching for a sign that there is something still worth fighting for in their wobbly marriage.

Alan J. Hawkins is manager of the Utah Marriage Commission and an emeritus professor of family life at Brigham Young University.