The libs want to take away my gas stove? I guess I'm on the side of Fox News on this one
To save the planet, environmental author Bill McKibben says “we’ve got to stop burning things,” something I’m used to hearing, usually as it pertains to my cooking.
Which is apropos, considering the latest flare-up in the culture wars is related to gas stoves. Someone, somewhere, said gas stoves have to die, and Fox News was off, gas stoves immediately becoming the most American thing ever, an appliance liberals could have when pried from their cold dead hands. (Whenever I hear that cliche, I always think, “that could be arranged.”)
So I suppose I’m on the side of Fox News here, especially since I am a proud owner of a gas stove, although not as emphatically as I once might have been. Matter of fact, when we remodeled an old farmhouse I insisted on a gas stove, and, because it was on sale and only because it was on sale, we were able to afford a chunky, black Italian gas range that, for reliability, is sort of the Fiat of kitchen appliances.
As a point of reference for millennials who might think today’s Fiats are fine automobiles, back in the ’70s they were indeed quite fun to drive when they were running, which generally worked out to the third Wednesday of every month, which led the automotive press to suggest that Fiat stood for Fix It Again, Tony.
My first experience with a gas oven was not positive; my friends in college had one, a scaled down, apartment-sized model that nevertheless packed quite a punch. Whatever mechanism it was that should have fired up the oven didn’t work, so on the infrequent occasions they wanted to bake, they would turn on the gas for a spell, then Kevin would tie a string around the oven door handle, as Mark lit a torch made of rolled-up newspaper.
Kevin would take up a defensive position in an adjacent hallway, while Mark shielded himself in the living room door frame. After a good cloud of gas had built up, with military precision, Kevin would yank open the oven door and Mark would hurl the torch, then they’d both dive behind protective walls as the stove belched out a deafening WHUMPH and a dragon-like sheet of flame scorched the curtains on the far side of the kitchen.
It was entertaining to the point that sometimes they’d have friends over to light the oven, even if they weren’t cooking anything.
I think I eventually got it in my head that gas stoves were good because that’s what the chefs on cooking shows used. Emeril would no more cook on an electric range than Tiger Woods would hit a Pinnacle.
But a lot of it was also propane-company hype. Cooking with gas even entered the lexicon, viz., “Way to go, now you’re cooking with gas,” as an indicator of high performance. Professional and snobby kitchens with their track lighting and marble countertops all have gas, so it has to be good, right?
Except when ours came it was missing parts, and the dealer had to order them from Florence, or someplace. (Electric ranges don’t have parts. The older I get, the more of a plus that is.) And the burners have two settings: “Off” and “Blow Torch.” It wants to get out of the stable and run, and if you need to cook a drumstick in 3.2 seconds, this is the stove for you.
But gas is on its way out, and I’m just glad they didn’t declare war on gas grills. What? No. Did I say that? Shhh. That would really get the culture warriors fired up.
Don't worry:No plans for nationwide ban of gas stoves, CPSC says following report, backlash
We had gas heat too, until we figured out a heat pump was cheaper and better. So now we’re stuck with a propane tank the size of which is normally associated with the Strategic Petroleum Reserve, and only a gas range to draw from.
We’re unlikely to run out of gas until the ban kicks in. Sorry, Suburban Propane.
Tim Rowland is a Herald-Mail columnist.
This article originally appeared on The Herald-Mail: Potential gas stove ban fires up the culture wars
