I've gone by a nickname since I was in high school. Sometimes I feel like I'm erasing my real identity.
When I was 15 my friends started calling me Conz.
My real name is Constanza, and I always felt it was hard to say and spell by non-Spanish speakers.
Sometimes I want to reclaim my name and go by it, but I worry people won't recognize me.
I remember the day perfectly. We were in chemistry class and I was sitting next to one of my best friends in high school. Her name was Roberta, but we all called her Robz. I told her I wanted a cool nickname with a Z like hers, and so she came up with Conz.
From that day on, most people in my life have known me by that nickname. I even use it professionally as I feel it's easier for it to stand out and be remembered.
But as I get older, I have conflicted feelings about going by a nickname instead of a name. Sometimes, I wonder if I'm erasing my immigrant identity by using a name that is "easier" for English speakers to say.
I never use my first name
I'm from Argentina, where having two names is common. My first name is Maria, which coincidentally is the same name my four female cousins also have. None of us go by it, and instead, we all use variations of our middle name.
I moved around a lot when I was a kid because of my dad's job. My middle name Constanza, is a very typical Spanish name, and it's quite long. I always dreaded spelling it out because people would almost certainly get it wrong.
I started going by Connie to make it easier for English speakers, but to be honest, it never really felt like me. It felt more like I was playing dress-up and being someone else.
I've been known as Conz for 25 years
Back to that day when my friend came up with Conz as a nickname for me, it felt right. It has all the letters my actual middle name has, it's original and different (words I want to say describe me in real life).
When I introduce myself to new people my "name" always sparks up questions from how it's spelled to its origin. I always say that it's like "pros and cons," but with a Z, so it's easier for people to understand.
In fact, a lot of close friends that I made as an adult might be surprised when they read this because not many people in my life now know that Conz is not really my name.
Now that I'm a parent and I'm getting older, sometimes I feel like I'm doing a disservice to my heritage by not going by my real name. As if somehow, I'm trying to erase where I come from by making my name easier for others.
I've thought about reclaiming my name
I find myself thinking more and more about using my real name. But to be honest, the logistics give me a headache.
I'm not only known as Conz among friends. It's also the name I've used professionally since I moved to the US to pursue a career in journalism. I would lose bylines, make it harder for sources to find me, and it's impossible to change it on the book I've published and on the numerous chapters I've written for other books.
Also, after so many years of going by a different name, I fear having an identity crisis if I start going by something else, even if that something else is my actual legal name.
Maybe once our kids are old and my husband and I retire to a Spanish-speaking country, I can claim it back. Or maybe I'll start thinking about my name less and less once my kids become teenagers and give me a ton of other things to worry about.
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