Take a look back at Mike Royko’s Chicago Tribune columns on the 25th anniversary of his death
- Oops!Something went wrong.Please try again later.
On his best days — and there were enough of them to fill up books — no one in journalism could touch Mike Royko.
He was a product of the big, loud city that created him, and he became the voice that carried Chicago’s story around the world. At the same time, he was as common as a sizzling brat on the grill, a cold beer on a hot day or a crystal-clear sky over Lake Michigan in spring.
He was psychologist to hopeless Cubs fans, comforter of people wounded by life, stern father to those who would misbehave in the public way, and, perhaps more than anything else, he was a grand, delightful and persistent troublemaker.
To answer the question, “How did Mike Royko get that way?” all anyone had to know was something about Chicago and its history and an era in newspapering that had a way of finding the best and crushing the rest.
Royko was a rock pitched into the tumbler of Chicago journalism, a machine that ground many of his contemporaries into fine, useless powder. Harder, hungrier and smarter than the rest, he emerged as polished as a gemstone.
The city was his playing field, richly peopled by venal grafters, con men playing shell games on the “L,” ugly dogs, old guys dealing cards in the park, fat cops, clownlike mayors and aldermen and people of great spirit and beauty standing alongside the grotesque.
For much of his life, Royko put himself in the center of all that and sorted it out. He scooped it up with a passion and dedication that left his competitors and imitators breathless and presented it in a style forged over many long years.
Everyone knew Royko and Chicago had a love-hate relationship that stretched all the way from the rogues and sinners he punctured so regularly to The Chicago Daily News, the collapsing newspaper he embraced, fought for and said a sad goodbye to.
Most people will never get to visit the Chicago Mike Royko wrote about, but they all know about this place at the center of America. The politics is cartoonlike, the sports events range from the ridiculous to the sublime, and there’s this newspaper guy with a big heart (and nose) and the warmest of smiles who searches for a cherished dose of eternal truth.
So he is gone now.
Chicago has lost one of its greatest storytellers.
And Slats Grobnik has no soulmate to talk to anymore.
— Charles M. Madigan (originally published in the Chicago Tribune on May 4, 1997)
Paul Sullivan: No one knew Chicago like Mike Royko. And he offered lessons in journalism no teacher could pass on.
“No one knew Chicago like Mike Royko, and no one spread the gospel of the Cubs like the late Tribune columnist,” writes Paul Sullivan. He recounts his time as Mike Royko’s legman — which started on a bar stool at the Billy Goat — and how it ended with Sullivan on the Cubs beat.
“Royko has never really been replaced, just as there has never been another baseball player as legendary as Babe Ruth,” Sullivan writes. “The wit and brilliance Royko displayed five days a week remains timeless, even as some of his best work would likely cause an uproar in this politically-correct age. Can you imagine Royko on social media? How much fun that would be.”
On the 25th anniversary of Royko’s death, here are some of his columns written for the Tribune — as selected by his family, colleagues and friends
Jan. 11, 1984: First Chicago Tribune column
“It’s this dread of being considered a bum that has motivated me to work, without missing a payday, since my 15th birthday.
“My first job was setting pins in the old Congress Bowling Alleys on Milwaukee Avenue. I was amazed to find that many of my fellow pinsetters were bums. That’s when I discovered that life can be so tough, even bums have to hustle a living.
“Later I tried other occupations: working in a screw machine shop, on a loading dock, in a lamp factory, a department store and behind the bar of a tavern.
“These jobs taught me a lesson that I still live by, in work or physical fitness: Don’t run if you can walk; don’t walk if you can just stand there; don’t stand there if you can sit down.”
March 5, 1985: A little bar fun - the ‘dwarf toss’
“The most unusual tavern competition has to be the one that was held recently in an Australian bar.
“You may have read about it. Five burly bouncers competed to see who could throw a dwarf the greatest distance.
“The dwarf wore a crash helmet and body padding and landed on a stack of mattresses. And since he was being paid, he didn’t object to being thrown.
“However, other dwarfs thought it was terrible, as did full-sized people who thought this was an example of man’s inhumanity to little man.
“So they gathered outside the tavern and protested the throwing of dwarfs.”
March 8, 1985: Legal marijuana - a pot of gold
“Whether you live in a big city, a suburb or a small town, you can easily buy marijuana. If you aren’t sure where to get it, just ask the nearest teenager.
“So I have a simple question: If so many Americans want and use marijuana, if they are already getting it so easily, if they insist on spending billions of dollars a year on it, why are we screaming at Mexico, why are hordes of narcotics agents floundering around in futile attempts to find it, why are the police and courts still wasting time and money trying to put dealers in jail for selling it?”
May 13, 1985: A rich lesson in citizenship
“It’s always poignant when a boatload of half-starved Haitians tries to land in this country, only to be turned away because they don’t qualify.
“But that’s the way our immigration laws are written. Not just anybody can become an American. ...
“So I’m a little puzzled by the matter-of-fact way Rupert Murdoch announced that he intends to quickly become a citizen of this country.”
April 10, 1985: Time to test Cub quotient
“It’s time for my annual Cub quiz. There has never been a greater need for it. Because of last season’s excitement, the city: the entire nation, in fact: is swarming with nouveaux fans of the kind described by Slats.
“The Cub quiz will weed them out, since only a true fan with a sense of history can answer even half the questions.”
Dec. 15, 1986: Shortage of short Greeks ruining us
“The problem is that the service industry is being taken over by people like the restaurant manager and his corporation. They go to college and study service. Then they install computers programmed for service. And they have meetings and look at service charts and graphs and talk about service.
“But what they don’t do is provide service. That’s because they are not short Greeks.”
Dec. 30, 1986: The real disaster of a Bears move to the suburbs
“It’s become an accepted fact that we will have a terrible civic disaster if the Bears moved to the suburbs. Everybody says so — the mayor, his allies, his opponents, business leaders, and even talk-show hosts.
“But would it really be a big deal? Would it truly affect the lives of most Chicagoans? Or even one Chicagoan?”
Aug. 17, 1987: Doing a slow burn over wimpy crooks
“With so much evidence of the decline of our society, you would think there wouldn’t be anything more to worry about.
“But I’ve found it. Or at least a cop friend of mine has.
“As the cop explained it: ‘There is a definite decline in the quality of our criminals. More and more of them have become spineless whiners.’”
Aug. 21, 1987: Windshield wiper lets in some light
“I had enough money in my pocket to buy that skinny kid a suit, pay his family’s rent for a month and maybe fill up their refrigerator and pantry.
“But I hadn’t had the decency to let him squeegee the windshield, then touch the button that lowers a window and give him a buck and a smile. I had given him a scowl and a wave-off, gestures that said he was a nothing.”
Dec. 2, 1987: Aldermania sets in at City Hall
“It was too cold and cloudy to visit the zoo, so I decided to drop in at City Hall to mingle with the aldermen and see how they were doing in choosing a new mayor.
“And I have to say that I was impressed. I have never seen the aldermen so spry and alert.
“Of course, there’s nothing like death threats to get the old adrenaline flowing. And not since the days when Al Capone ran City Hall have so many aldermen been warned that they might suffer an abrupt demise.”
May 26, 1988: Laurie Dann’s right to bear arms
“It was so predictable. After a deranged Laurie Dann went on her shooting spree in Winnetka, the cry arose for gun controls.
“State legislators tried but failed to revive some old gun-control proposals. The anti-gun organizations put out the call for action. Angry letters appeared in newspapers. Disc jockeys offered their profound thoughts. Even a society columnist, horrified that something like this could happen on the North Shore, demanded to know when something would be done.
“And my phone rang with calls from those who wanted to know when I was going to write something about it.”
June 10, 1988: Florida sun puts shame in the shade
“Too much sunshine can addle the brain. And that seems to be happening in Florida. ...
“I’ve been bombarded with calls from Florida talk-show babblers, news reporters and businessmen who are outraged that I’ve urged Chicagoans to fight back by not vacationing in Florida. Almost 2 million Illinoisans visit Florida each year, spending over a billion dollars.”
June 28, 1988: ‘Art lover’s’ taste reaches toilet level
“There’s this yuppie named Glenn. I omit his full name to save him from bodily harm.
“Glenn recently had an experience that compares in some ways with the famous raid by aldermen on the Art Institute.”
Aug. 8, 1988: Cubs fans, let’s be careful out there
“Tonight in Chicago we’re going to begin finding the answer to a fascinating psychological question that concerns the debilitating effect of night on the human mind:
“Does the coming of darkness cause otherwise decent, polite, hygienic Cub fans to have a fiendish compulsion to make wee-wee on a stranger’s lawn?”
Aug. 9, 1988: Cubs Park wasn’t always like this
“It was much simpler then. No parking to worry about. No phone calls to Ticketmaster. No crowds or long lines. The nation was not watching.
“The kid brother and I would leave the family flat at about 8 o’clock in the morning and start walking the five miles from Milwaukee and Armitage to Cubs Park.”
Oct. 28, 1988: GOP tries to keep old liberal in closet
“Slats Grobnik looked puzzled as he asked: ‘What ever happened to Abe Lincoln?’
“Lincoln? He’s still on Mt. Rushmore. Why do you ask?
“‘Well, has he kind of fallen into disgrace or something? You know, like in Russia, where they kick old leaders out of the history books and take down their statues.’
“Of course not. Honest Abe is revered, one of the two or three greatest presidents in our history.
“‘That’s what I always thought. But something funny is going on.’”
Feb. 17, 1989: These heretics pay through nose
“Our government and many others have denounced the Ayatollah Khomeini for the death sentence he placed upon the author of a novel that has offended the Islamic world. And for offering a bounty of up to $3 million for anyone who bumps off the writer.
“Individuals throughout the world are expressing horror that a “hit” should be ordered for someone merely for writing a work of fiction.”
Aug. 17, 1989: We’re out to find biggest grouches
”A small town in Texas recently held a vote to determine the town’s biggest grouch. ...
“Who is Chicago’s biggest grouch? And would it be possible to identify and find this grouchy person?”
March 16, 1990: Why be a writer? Think on your feet
“I decided that if I was going to find my life’s work, it would have to be something that wouldn’t make me run up and down steps, get paint in my face, or give me aching feet.
“Then, while still a young man, I read a magazine article about Ernest Hemingway, the great novelist.”
Aug. 28, 1990: If only the Acorn could play it again
“I must take a moment to mourn the closing of one of the best gin mills in Chicago. Which is saying something. I doubt that any other city has a bar called ‘Stop and Drink.’ Here, a shot is a shot, a beer is a beer, and a corporate lawyer and a tuckpointer can belly up as equals.
“The ‘Acorn.’ Or more formally, ‘The Acorn on Oak.’ Or, as some of us called it: ‘Buddy’s.’”
Dec. 10, 1991: Donald Trump, Marla Maples good for country
"Browsing through the news wires the other day, I was becoming depressed. The economy is sagging, with leading indicators down, up or wherever they shouldn’t be; AIDS on the rise; public confidence down; Japan on the rise; the U.S. in decline; illegitimate births on the rise; new jobs in decline.
“Then I brightened. There was the latest story about The Donald and the lovely Marla.”
April 10, 1992: Opening Day - like it used to be
“I’ll probably leave the office at about 12:30 today and take a cab to Cubs Park.
“Then I’ll meet my host in our reserved seats, which will have a fine, unobstructed view of the playing field.
“I’m not sure what I’ll choose for lunch. As at most of today’s ballparks, the food menu has become extensive.
“When the game is over, we might pause in the private club and have a drink. Then, after the crowd subsides, another cab home.
“A very nice way to spend the day at the ballpark, you must agree.
“But it isn’t the best way to do it. Not nearly.”
May 6, 1992: President Bush needs liberal doses of history
“It isn’t hard to make the argument that if it had been up to the Republican party of the 1960s, there would be far fewer black office-holders, school teachers, policemen, firemen, lawyers, doctors, executives, bank tellers, reporters, businessmen, and other members of the black middle-class. And it isn’t hard to make the argument that if it hadn’t been for Democrats, especially those who were liberal and progressive, we would have an even worse racial mess in this country than we have today.
“So I’m not sure what President Bush is talking about when he blames the Los Angeles riots on Democratic policies that he says began in the 1960s.”
May 6, 1993: This athletic feat sprains credulity
“I have witnessed an athletic achievement that was similar to, and even surpassed, the feat of Jordan and his ankle. ...
"It was on a softball diamond on the Northwest Side of the city. The first inning and the pitcher-manager was at bat.
“He hit a line drive to left and slid into 2nd base. But his cleat snagged on the bag and he struggled to his feet, hopping on one leg.”
Oct. 7, 1993: Michael Jordan leaves Chicago full-court depressed
“As sports nuts, I guess we should be grateful for what he gave us. ...
“Maybe it’s because being the very best is a hard standard to maintain. He knew that if his skills slipped ever so slightly, the media jackals would be upon him. Remember, when Babe Ruth was a star, there was no TV. The Babe could have howled at the moon in his underwear and even the tabloids would have ignored it. Today, a golf course bet becomes a national scandal.”
Feb. 1, 1994: We love Tonya Harding, we love her not
“In my business, people are expected to take firm positions on public issues and not sit around wringing our hands and being wishy-washy.
“But I have to admit that I have never bounced from one side to the other as often as I have in the case of Tonya Harding, the ice skater.”
June 8, 1994: 2nd thought on that invite: Oh, forget it
“You don’t get to be president, governor, mayor, senator, congressman or even a schnook alderman in Chicago unless you can ooze charm and shake a hand like you love the other end of that appendage.
“So that’s the main reason I declined the invitation to dine at the White House.
“There is no doubt that if I spent the evening with Bill and Hillary, they would charm me out of my shoes. And I would be inhibited every time I decided to write something mean about them. And if I can’t be mean, what the heck good am I?”
Feb. 24, 1995: Horrors of the past are G-rated today
“While walking through the video store, the 7-year-old boy stopped and gawked at a display of movie tapes.
“‘Wow,’ he said, ‘what are those?’
His father said: ‘Never mind. You don’t want to watch those movies.’
“‘Why not?’
“‘They are old horror movies. And they’ll scare you, give you nightmares.’”
Sept. 29, 1995: TV cameras don’t lie, but they missed best shot of Cubs season
“The always-alert WGN cameras showed the pitch, the hitter’s swing, the ball sailing over the fence, a fan in the street retrieving it.
“But they failed to show us something far more unique and exciting than the home run.”
Oct. 24, 1995: Baseball team names to offend nearly everyone
“It’s time for baseball and other sports to get serious about changing team names that are considered offensive. ...
“But if Native Americans say they are offended, I’ll take their word for it, even though the ones I see griping on TV don’t look at all like Geronimo.”
Dec. 1, 1995: Take it from one who knows - Ann Landers meant no harm
“An old pal from the Northwest Side called and sounded like he might pop a blood vessel.
“‘Are you going to do something about that ... that ... woman?’ he sputtered.
“What woman?
“‘That Ann Landers woman. Are you going to let her have a blast?’”
March 21, 1997: Last Chicago Tribune column before his death
“It’s about time that we stopped blaming the failings of the Cubs on a poor, dumb creature that is a billy goat.
“This has been going on for years, and it has reached the point where some people actually believe it.”
