Looking Out: Toasting varmints to eliminate nuisance critters
“Here’s to woodchucks!” says Lyle Pratt, raising his coffee cup in a toast. “May they live long in peace and then go to groundhog heaven.”
“Woodchucks!” says Johnel, raising his cup.
“Woodchucks forever!” says Rooster Croft.
“Cheers to the whistle pigs,” I say, joining in.
“Raccoons and red squirrels,” says Lyle, lifting his cup again.
“All varmints!” says Rooster as we all join the toast.
“This is fun, but do you think it’ll really work?” says Lyle, putting his cup down so that Audrey, the server in the café can refill it.
“You guys are nuts, you know,” says Audrey, working her way around the table.
“It’s worth a try,” says Johnel. “Nothing else works.”
“Giving praise to vermin isn’t going to make them go away,” says Audrey. “But listening to you fools might make me go away.”
“Don’t do that,” says Lyle. “At least until you fill all our cups and bring us our eggs. Besides, do you have a better way?”
“I live-trap the critters,” says Audrey.
“Then what do you do with them?” asks Rooster.
“Well, if it's a skunk, I throw an old towel over the cage first so it won’t spray. But whatever it is, I load the cage in the back of the truck and take it to one of your places and let it go,” says Audrey, moving quickly to the next table.
“I’ve tried that,” says Johnel. “But driving to Audrey’s house to let them go is quite a drive. So, normally, I take them to Rooster’s place.”
“I trapped a chipmunk that was living in my garage,” says Rooster. “It had a little nick in one ear where something had taken a bite, I suppose. I drove it across two bridges, a major highway and let it go three miles away. It was back the next day.”
“A lot like your homing pigeons,” I say.
“I decided to get rid of my pigeons,” he says. “Talk about something that’s hard to relocate! I had to drive them halfway to Honduras so they wouldn’t find their way back.”
“How long did it take?” asks Johnel.
“They beat me home,” he says. “So I drove them to Honolulu. That worked. Cheers!”
“Cheers!” we echo, toasting again.
“Do you suppose that Noah was really just live-trapping all those critters and sailing to Australia to dump them off?” asks Johnel. “Maybe he was a farmer. Having elephants, humpy-backed camels and long-necked geese rooting around in your cornfield would be a nuisance.”
“You may be onto something. Imagine a rhino digging under the foundation of your barn? Whoowee! Now that would be a problem,” says Lyle.
“That’s ridiculous,” says Audrey, who is back with the coffee pot again. “Everyone knows that Noah was a plumber.”
“Not a very good one,” says Rooster. “He couldn’t plug that big leak.”
“That's why he changed careers and started The Unicorn Cruise Ship Co.,” says Audrey.
“Enough of this,” says Lyle. “We all have varmints to chase off. Time’s a’wasting.”
“Yeah, yeah, yeah,” says Audrey. “Your breakfasts are ready. I’ll go get them so you can all go home and set your traps.”
“Cheers to Audrey!” says Lyle, lifting his cup.
“Cheers to Audrey!” we join in.
“Thanks, boys,” says Audrey. “But before you leave, let me tell you how I solved the varmint problem permanently, just last week.”
“How?” says Rooster.
“I sold the farm and moved into a third-floor apartment,” she says.
“Mice. They’ll find you,” says Rooster.
“Cheers to the mice!” we all say, lifting our cups.
Jim Whitehouse lives in Albion.
This article originally appeared on The Daily Telegram: Jim Whitehouse: Toasting varmints to eliminate nuisance critters
