The Loop NFL Picks: Week 5

Bears at Vikings (-6½):
The cast of Apple TV’s “Ted Lasso” was on the scene in London last Sunday for the Vikings’ victory over New Orleans. They were there to observe Minnesota quarterback Kirk Cousins to see for themselves if he’s the only thing on Earth more overrated than “Ted Lasso.”

Pick: Vikings by 7

Giants vs Packers (-7½):
Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers was caught berating a lineman with an audible F bomb during the Packers’ victory over New England. Analysts were shocked by the display, as Rodgers usually only uses that foul language when addressing his relatives.
Pick: Packers by 9

Cowboys at Rams (-4½):
The Rams’ Bobby Wagner and Takk McKinley charged off the sideline to tackle an animal rights protester who ran onto the field during Monday night’s game against the 49ers. Unfortunately for the Rams, they never showed the same ability to bring down Deebo Samuel.
Pick: Rams by 7

Falcons at Buccaneers (-7½):
Former Buccaneers receiver Antonio Brown caused a firestorm over the weekend when video emerged of him exposing himself to other guests in a pool in Dubai. While certainly disturbing, the incident doesn’t even make the top 10 list of the worst things Brown has done.
Pick: Buccaneers by 11

Eagles at Cardinals (+5½):
Arizona lineman Will Hernandez was ejected for hitting an official during an on-field scuffle with the Carolina Panthers. The Cardinals guard apologized, blaming the attack on his poor decision to ask himself “What Would Will Smith Do?”
Pick: Eagles by 3

Dolphins at Jets (+3½):
The Dolphins, under withering fire over their treatment of Tua Tagovailoa, announced that he will miss their Week 5 game at the Meadowlands. Miami officials are taking a more cautious approach and will keep their quarterback on the sideline, at least until he stops twitching.

Pick: Dolphins by 3

Bengals at Ravens (-3½):
Baltimore’s John Harbaugh defended his gambling strategy after the Ravens blew a 17-point lead for the second time in four weeks. He insisted that eschewing a go-ahead field goal against Buffalo gave them “the best chance to win,” strong evidence the Ravens’ coach needs to undergo some cognitive tests himself.
Pick: Ravens by 6

Lions at Patriots (-3½):
Third-string rookie Bailey Zappe came to the rescue last Sunday in Green Bay, nearly rallying the Patriots to an upset before losing in overtime. Zappe has a lot in common with former New England icon Tom Brady in that neither will get Bill Belichick another Super Bowl win.
Pick: Lions by 3

Seahawks at Saints (-5½):
Seattle’s D.K. Metcalf was hurriedly carted off the field during Sunday’s game so he could go to the bathroom. The visual of the star receiver being carried to the crapper will likely be the perfect metaphor for the rest of the Seahawks’ 2022 season.
Pick: Saints by 7

Steelers at Bills (-14½):
Dionte Johnson raised eyebrows after their latest loss by calling it a rebuilding season for the Steelers, who have swapped rookie quarterback Kenny Pickett for the inadequate Mitchell Trubisky. Agreeing with Johnson: anyone in Pittsburgh with functioning eyeballs.
Pick: Bills by 24

OTHER GAMES
Chargers at Browns (+3½):
Pick: Chargers by 7

Texans at Jaguars (-7½):
Pick: Jaguars by 10

Titans at Commanders (+2½):
Pick: Titans by 7

49ers at Panthers (+4½):
Pick: 49ers by 10

Raiders at Chiefs (-7½):
Pick: Chiefs by 11

RECORD
Week 4
11-5 straight up
7-9 vs. spread
Season
37-26-1 straight up (.587)
31-33 vs. spread (.484)

You can hear Kevin Cusick on Wednesdays on Bob Sansevere’s “BS Show” podcast on iTunes. You can follow Kevin on Twitter — @theloopnow. He can be reached at kcusick@pioneerpress.com.