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The Loop: Nipsey Russell’s 2022 NFL Preview

kevin cusick, pioneer press
·5 min read

MINNESOTA VIKINGS
“Not Like Mike”

Their new coach won’t simmer
Like jettisoned Zimmer
A boost for the Vikings’ attack
With a softer approach
They no longer have coach
Who might strangle team’s quarterback

CLEVELAND BROWNS
“Elementary My Dear Watson”

With the news that Deshaun
Is 11 weeks gone
The Browns’ fate is looking quite gory
What does Cleveland get
With Jacoby Brissett?
A QB who’s not “predatory”

GREEN BAY PACKERS
“Tea Formation”

Came to camp all the rage
Dressed like Nicolas Cage
Mister Rodgers is quite photogenic
Filled with Super Bowl dreams
Because star of the team’s
Chugging liquids hallucinogenic

TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS
“Tom Foolery”

We weren’t bamboozled when Brady
Claimed he would retire, so shady
Will be another year or two
Till Bucs’ fossil is through
And makes his ‘Masked Singer” debut

MIAMI DOLPHINS
“Miami Vice”

With all the new stars they brought Tua
The Dolphins’ excuses are fewer
Their tanking owner is so shady
Still lusting for match with Tom Brady

DETROIT LIONS
“HBO Lax”

As is readily seen on “Hard Knocks”
These young Lions won’t be knocking off socks
Only way they’ll go forth
Win the crown in the North
Is if other three catch monkeypox

NEW YORK JETS
“Momma’s Boy”

Every year the sound is the same
Jets fans are screaming “OH BROTHER!”
This year, it’s cause Wilson’s new flame
Is old classmate of his mother

ARIZONA CARDINALS
“QB or not QB?”

Through the desert, there’s worry
That their superstar Murray
Ain’t worth what they gave from their checkbook
There is good cause for panic
He’s been much less than manic
‘Bout reading the Cardinals’ playbook

BUFFALO BILLS
“Fifth Time the Charm?”

No one circles the wagons like Buffalo’s Bills
After four trips with Super nosedive
So we’re hoping the upcoming season of thrills
Gives them chance for disgrace No. 5

JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS
“Post-Urban Renewal”

These are better days down in Duval
Every reason to boost Jags’ morale
They’ve taken a flyer
On coach who’ll go higher
Than that co-ed groping dude Meyer

CHICAGO BEARS
“Fields of Dreams”

Justin time: The Bears hope they have got
Next star at the QB position
While that might be the case, here’s a thought …
Stop throwing ball to opposition

DENVER BRONCOS
“Danger, Russ”

While it looks like Wilson made escape
From Seattle morass in good shape
In a West filled with flash
His Broncos? More like trash
His mile-high year ends in crash

LAS VEGAS RAIDERS
“Mark of Insanity”

Poor Al Davis, we know
In his grave, he is spinning
With his Silver and Black in a rut
While his son rakes in dough
He’s most famous for winning
Prize for world’s most Three Stooge-like haircut

DALLAS COWBOYS
“Jerry Rigged”

The team with the star has more money than God
Yet seasons keep ending in moans
There’ll never be title for franchise so flawed
While owner is named “Jerry Jones”

HOUSTON TEXANS
“A Beard Apart”

In Lovie, the Texans have czar
Who’s sure to give old college try
But Houston will never get far
With dude who looks like Fish Sticks Guy

SEATTLE SEAHAWKS
“Old Man and the Shipwreck”

For the coach, Sneaky Pete
It would be quite a feat
For Seahawks to reach playoff goal
But there’s no need to fear
That he’ll end his career
By blowing one more Super Bowl

CAROLINA PANTHERS
“Slightly Progressive”

To Charlotte comes Baker
Insurance ad maker
A roster adjustment, quite bold
While we’re guessing this Brown
Will not light up the town
Can’t possibly suck like Darnold

LOS ANGELES RAMS
“Quarterback Bender”

For Matt, the last season proved Super
With all-world production from Cooper
Repeat, we don’t see
Unless Rams’ QB
Recovers from hangover stupor

NEW ORLEANS SAINTS
“Alvin and the Law”

The Saints could have quite the attack
If they’ve got their top running back
The plan for Kamara to play:
Extending assault trial delay

WASHINGTON COMMANDERS
“Carson’s Comedy Classics”

If you’re asking, we won’t bet two cents
On their chances of winning with Wentz
While new name has a ring
Former Skins won’t win thing
For as long as Dan Snyder is king

SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS
“Lancing Blow”

In Frisco, the fans are in lather
From hall of fame hyping of Trey
May not take took long till they’d rather
Give Jimmy G his chance to play

TENNESSEE TITANS
“Oh Henry!”

They’re going for glory in Nashville
After last season’s top-seeded thrill
Still one reason for optimists’ view:
Takes 11 to stop 22

KANSAS CITY CHIEFS
“Over the Hill”

T’was so great when Patrick
Would give his wrist a flick
And throw to the heavens, quite a thrill
But his arm’s not that strong
For this year to throw long
To Miami, to find Tyreek Hill

CINCINNATI BENGALS
“Joe Over Average”

Joe Burrow’s ascendance was vital
As Bengals came THISCLOSE to title
But the Cincy revival will cease
If they can’t keep QB in one piece

——–

2022 PREDICTIONS

DIVISIONAL RACES
NFC North
Packers (13-4), Vikings (9-8), Lions (7-10), Bears (5-12)

NFC East
Cowboys (10-7), Eagles (9-8), Giants (7-10), Commanders (5-12)

NFC South
Buccaneers (14-3), Saints (8-9), Panthers (7-10), Falcons (4-13)

NFC West
Rams (12-5), 49ers (11-6), Cardinals (8-9), Seahawks (4-13)

AFC East
Bills (13-4), Dolphins (11-6), Patriots (7-10), Jets (3-14)

AFC North
Bengals (12-5), Ravens (10-7), Steelers (7-10), Browns (4-13)

AFC South
Titans (11-6), Colts (9-8), Jaguars (7-10), Texans (3-14)

AFC West
Chiefs (12-5), Chargers (10-7), Raiders (10-7), Broncos (9-8)

PLAYOFF PREDICTIONS
NFC wild card
Packers over Vikings, Rams over Eagles, 49ers over Cowboys

NFC divisional
Buccaneers over 49ers, Packers over Rams

NFC championship
Buccaneers over Packers

AFC wild card
Bengals over Ravens, Chiefs over Chargers, Dolphins over Titans

AFC divisional
BIlls over Dolphins, Chiefs over Bengals

AFC championship
Bills over Chiefs

Super Bowl LVII
Bills over Buccaneers

COMING NEXT WEEK

The Loop begins our annual drive for prognostication perfection with the Week 1 Fantasy Football column on Thursday and the Week 1 NFL picks on Sunday.

You can hear Kevin Cusick on Wednesdays on Bob Sansevere’s “BS Show” podcast on iTunes. You can follow Kevin on Twitter — @theloopnow. He can be reached at kcusick@pioneerpress.com.

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