M&M's recruit Maya Rudolph to take part in boneheaded, candy mascot-centered culture war

Maya Rudolph spots a sweet opportunity for a quick payday.
Maya Rudolph spots a sweet opportunity for a quick payday.

Not since the dark days of the death of Mr. Peanut and the creature’s rebirth as the horrible Baby Nut have we borne witness to a Super Bowl ad campaign quite as wretched as the one currently being guided toward its end goal by M&M’s.

Following the company’s launch of a prior, limply women empowerment-focused campaign that made Tucker Carlson’s brow furrow downward into previously unseen depths, the M&M’s mascots found themselves at the chocolatey center of a braindead culture war. Now, having stirred the hornet’s nest, the candy brand has announced the next step in an obvious lead-up to a big, flashy Super Bowl commercial: Claiming to do away with its humanoid chocolate mascots and their divisive sexiness in order to be represented by Maya Rudolph instead.

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Earlier today, the candy’s Twitter account issued a soberly captioned “message from M&M’s” alongside an image containing two entire paragraphs of text. In a visual format that replicates the sort of Notes app apology screenshot used most often by disgraced celebrities and video game publishers announcing release delays, the company begins its missive with an ominous trio of words: “America, let’s talk.”

“In the last year, we’ve made some changes to our beloved spokescandies. We weren’t sure if anyone would even notice,” the statement reads. “And we definitely didn’t think it would break the internet. But now we get it—even a candy’s shoes can be polarizing.”

Following some brand-speak that reveals how M&M’s are “all about bringing people together,” the statement goes on to say it’s going to “take an indefinite pause from the spokescandies” and test our enjoyment of Maya Rudolph’s comedy by paying her to become the company’s new spokesperson.

This, of course, is the first half of a cosmically dumb lay-up that will almost certainly be completed with some Super Bowl commercial that sees Rudolph rehabilitate the M&M’s by, we don’t know, having them join together to sing “The Star-Spangled Banner” with the actor holding the blue and red ones’ hands.

In essence, the M&M’s are just blowing their sugary little mouths into the crackling fires consuming the last tattered vestiges of worthwhile cultural discourse, perhaps hoping for the ultimate ad campaign of an apocalyptic global war fought between armies dedicated to the cause of whether or not candy consumers should want to have sex with or not have sex with their mascots.

For the love of god, M&M’s, hurry up with the inevitable Super Bowl commercial so we can accelerate this process and get it all over with.

Send Great Job, Internet tips to gji@theonion.com

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