Man Who Was Really Bad at His Old Job Now Even Worse at His New One
Last night, an unrepentant striver, who artlessly refused to tell the American people the truth, extended his clumsy antics to the dance floor of a network television contest while wearing a bright shirt! Giving you Barry Manilow at the Copa meets the Green Man from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, the man, who must be genetically predisposed to not feel shame, performed absolutely none of the required job functions with any competency. But he sure did look wild! Costumed in neon green frills and white pants, he cha-cha'd from not providing the nation with essential communication to donning a costume in hopes of getting continued press coverage. To quote George W. Bush: "mission accomplished."
Former White House Communications Director and walking object lesson, Sean Spicer appeared on Dancing with the Stars in a blindingly bright frilly shirt, heralding the end of Hot Girl Summer and the beginning of No Consequences Fall. But if you want to cop this lewk, beware: not all neon green showstoppers are the same, just like not all former White House employees who are clawing their way to misbegotten gains are the same. Indeed, when reached for comment the color neon green said, "I would very much like to be excluded from this narrative." So, by all means, rock the No Consequences Green this fall, but make sure you're getting your money's worth. Some examples:
What you ordered: The Queen giving serving you eye-popping lewks at Meghan and Harry's wedding.
What came in the mail: A man who was not good at his previous job whose partner at his present job described him as "pre-pre-school level," which is probably generous. A bad liar who told the New Yorker, "frankly, I’m just making money," which is perhaps the only true statement he has ever made. A contestant who received 12 out of 30 from the judges, one of whom said of his performance, "It's like you were being attacked by a swarm of wasps." Congratulations to the wasps.
What you ordered: Kim Kardashian serving you bodycon neon at 2Chainz's wedding, next to Kanye West who is wearing 2sliders 2sizes 2small.
What came in the mail: A known fabulist cashing in on a broken political system, barely keeping up with season 25's winning dancer Linsday Arnold who deserves better than this. Justice for Linsday Arnold.
What you ordered: The Mask but make it fashion.
What came in the mail: Somebody stop him.
What you ordered: Secondary Batman villain.
What came in the mail: Feckless henchman.
What you ordered: Remember that beautiful period when Blake Lively was cosplaying her character from A Simple Favor in real life? A halcyon time when, with every stiletto-heeled footfall, Lively stepped directly on our necks with the effortless precision of a neurosurgeon injecting serotonin directly into our brains? Remember when she got out of the car carrying cinema's most breathtaking umbrella since Mary Poppins and invented walking slowly in the rain? A shot, mind you, that should have won the special Oscar for slow-motion character introductions. An Oscar, I should note, that this year will go to the extraordinary film Hustlers which proved that the only thing more stunning than Jennifer Lopez doing anything on screen is Jennifer doing anything on screen slowly. Do you know how hard it is to look stunning in slow-motion? Our Lady of the Six is out here defying the laws of nature which state that even if you think you look fierce popping up out of the pool or strutting down the hallway, the merciless eye of the slow-mo camera setting will catch every blink, every weird muscle strain, every single moment of indecision or doubt that you've ever experienced. But not JLo. And that alone is worth the Oscar.
What came in the mail: The sinister embodiment of the darkest aspects of our time. Democracy stumbling down a flight of stairs captured in slow-motion and played on repeat across the White House lawn. A messy, wet sneeze captured at 1000 frames per second.
What you ordered: Keke Palmer, perfect as always at the VMAs.
What came in the mail: Sorry to this man.
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