Manipulation, separation, exploitation, abuse: What is child grooming?

LEESBURG — There are a lot of ways to harm a child — physically, mentally, emotionally — but one of the most insidious, calculated ways is through grooming.

Grooming is a strategy employed by abusers to make their victims more comfortable with them with the goal of manipulating, abusing or exploiting them.

It is among the explosive claims made by a member of the now defunct “cult-like” Elder Council, led by former Leesburg High School band director Gabriel Fielder.

A former LHS student told investigators he was 17 when guidance counselor Lenny Finelli texted him explicit messages and enticed him into a sexual relationship that began once he graduated and turned 18. Fielder allegedly smashed Finelli’s phone and not only deleted the texts, but also destroyed iCloud evidence.

“Him (Finelli) not being reported when our friend was 17 years and getting groomed by him was such a big deal,” another former member of the group told the Daily Commercial.

She wasn’t the only one who said it was a big deal. The young man’s therapist wrote to school officials describing the group as creating a “shame-based atmosphere that caused anxiety, depression and PTSD, serious enough to require therapy.”

'We trusted him':Former member of The Elder Council shares her experience in 'cult-like' group

Report:LHS band director, counselor violated conduct standards, but 'no evidence' of cult

More:Former students describe 'toxic' environment, astral projection under Leesburg band director

What is child grooming?

Grooming is a premeditated, calculated tactic among abusers, said Cathy Carter, who is the clinical supervisor at the Child Advocacy Center in Leesburg.

A former forensic interviewer when she started with the center in 2009, she later earned her master’s degree in mental health counseling and now oversees counselors and licensing.

Carter has seen the “whole gamut” of grooming. The trick is finding a vulnerable person, separating them, and exploiting them by building trust and telling them that they are “special.”

An example: “Oh, I bet that as pretty as you are that you have a lot of boyfriends.”

When she’s not.

Abusers may give their victims gifts, or do special things for them, like giving them rides home after practice.

It could be a special massage, or something as simple as a gentle touch.

It can work if it results in a pleasant body reaction: “Doesn’t that feel good?” or, “I like it when you do that."

Sometimes they show their victims porn, or engage in teasing, wrestling or becoming obsessed with a child.

In a school setting, they may present sex as teaching.

"’If you ever have any questions,’ when questions should be answered by parents,” Carter said. “They test the waters. If they talk about this without them telling their parents, they wonder, ‘What can I get by with?’”

Some predators are relatives or friends of family.

The most common sexual abuse comes when a parent's boyfriend lives in the house. Victims are told to keep secrets, or they are threatened or coerced.

“You don’t want the family to break up do you?” they sometimes say.

Grooming behavior? 'I wanted to foster a friendship'

The young man whose complaint sparked investigations said he joined the religious group, which started as a Bible study, when he was a sophomore in 2018. He said in 2020, Finelli told the group he was having specific thoughts about him, “how much he hated it, and that he needed prayer.”

He said Finelli then began texting him and eventually started asking him questions about the size of his penis, what kind of pornography he liked, and whether he and his girlfriend were sexually active.

He also asked him to meet up with him, which he did not do until he turned 18. The two of them lived together briefly last year.

The teen ended the relationship after a few months and went back to his girlfriend.

When speaking with school district investigators, Finelli denied sending sexually explicit texts, saying he was just “expressing that he was a unique person and I wanted to foster a friendship.” He resigned his job, though the investigation found there was sufficient reason to fire him if he had stayed.

Stages and examples of grooming

The American Bar Association published a paper on grooming in 2015, listing key elements. Building trust, of course, was at the top of the list.

Also mentioned: “The offender may assume a caring role, befriend the child, or even exploit their position of trust and authority to groom the child and/or the child’s family. These individuals intentionally build relationships with the adults around a child or seek out a child who is less supervised by adults in her/his life. This increases the likelihood that the offender's time with the child is welcomed and encouraged.”

Children are naturally taught to obey authority figures, like teachers, youth pastors and others, Carter said.

The former Elder Council member said some of the group members came from unstable homes. And sometimes the problem pops up with overwhelmed single parents, Carter said.

Plus, they had known the two educators for years. The young woman met Finelli when she was a 15-year-old LHS student and he was on staff. She dated him when she was 19, after graduation, even though he was nearly 10 years older.

Meanwhile, the pressure to adhere to the group leader’s ideas, including things like astral projection, or “spirit travel,” grew by leaps and bounds. They were also told they must tithe, with money going to projects on Fielder’s farm, former members said.

Damaging effects of child grooming

The young woman, who asked that her identity not be revealed in Daily Commercial stories, said she, too, has suffered from PTSD.

"It dramatically shook my faith,” she said. "I still have it. I still believe in God. I believe in prayer. When you go from wholeheartedly believing this man you believe as an authority figure and you find out everything is wrong and he’s basically taking advantage of you, it makes you question everything.”

Fallout from trauma can include trust issues and problems in future relationships; acting out; self-destructive behavior, like cutting oneself; depression, and undeserved guilt feelings, especially when the groomer tricks victim's into thinking that it was their idea all along.

The fight or flight trauma response can also create physical health problems, like diabetes, substance abuse and heart disease.

Children who have been abused are sometimes misdiagnosed with attention deficit disorder or oppositional defiance. Further digging sometimes turns up a family history of mental illness or domestic violence.

“Domestic violence doesn’t have to be physical,” Carter said.

It could be name-calling, demeaning talk or telling people they are worthless or stupid, she said.

Carter, who did not comment on the Elder Council allegations and has no history of dealing with the group, said treating people who have been wronged in cults or cult-like groups is an especially difficult situation. The school district investigation found no evidence of a cult, but the female former member who spoke to the Daily Commercial described the Elder Council, now defunct, as cult-like.

“You can’t challenge it,” she said. “You leave the door open and tell them they can come back any time, and you give out safety information and numbers to call.”

Grooming on social media

Many grooming incidents occur online, with predators chatting with minors.

Investigators sometimes disguise themselves online as isolated, naive, curious minors. Last year, one investigator pretended to be a 14-year-old girl who kept answering loaded questions – for example, if she had ever kissed her ex-boyfriend.

“I’m 14, not 7 lol,” came the answer.

Before long, the questions turned to when her mother left for work, what she would wear when they met and if she wanted to touch him.

When he arranged a meeting, he was greeted by cops, who took him to jail.

He had been building trust, as a friend, or so he thought.

Sanctions against Fielder, Finelli

School officials have said both educators violated ethical standards.

Of Finelli, the district said he was “guilty of gross immorality or an act involving moral turpitude.”

In Fielder’s case, he was found to have “knowingly failed to report alleged misconduct by instructional personnel or school administrators which affects the health, safety or welfare of a student.”

So far, at least, no criminal charges have been filed.

There is a federal law against enticing minors, but it deals with interstate human trafficking. Some states have adopted enticing laws.

Florida has laws that punish contributing to the delinquency of minors, which is a misdemeanor. it also has a child abuse law prohibiting “active encouragement of any person to commit an act that results or could reasonably be expected to result in physical or mental injury to a child.”

It also has laws dealing with online abuse, like transmission of harmful material to a minor by electronic device; and unlawful use of two-way community device.

The district’s findings have been sent to the state Department of Education, which could discipline the two, including revoking their teaching licenses.

This article originally appeared on Daily Commercial: Grooming of a child: What is the definition and behavior?