The many things you can’t get away with if you are a celebrity

Bearing in mind we don’t know what actually happened on that ski slope in Utah back in 2016, the alleged hit-and-run episode involving Gwyneth Paltrow and the retired optometrist who is suing her for $300,000 is a good reminder of the big downside of being a celebrity: you can’t get away with anything.

Wherever you go there will always be someone who recognises you. A random member of the public will witness you not save the lift, jump the queue, or not give money to a homeless person on your way into a five-star restaurant – and that’s just the frothy inconsequential stuff.

You park illegally to make a quick drop-off and it turns into evidence of your breathtaking entitlement. You visit a store that sells fur and you’re endorsing killing endangered species. You check on to a plane with someone who isn’t your wife and the pictures will be online before your partner can say “What, you didn’t think you would be spotted? You’re a celebrity!”

Then there’s the risk of being pictured leaving a party looking like your eyes are sliding off your face. Civilians leave parties looking like this all the time, that’s more or less how we expect to leave a party, or else we would stay home and watch Yellowjackets, but then no one is outside Caroline and Chris’s, recording our unsteady progress  from front door to pavement.

We’ve all shuffled out of the mega Sainsbury’s with a trolley piled high with loo paper wearing dark glasses and shoes that look a lot like slippers. We’ve all had words on a garage forecourt with someone who jumped the queue. We may have screamed at our other half in the park or left the toddlers in the hot car while we nipped into the off-licence to get them some lollies and us some picpoul. This is daily life in modern Britain, but if you’re a celebrity you can’t get away with any of it.

If you have even a passing acquaintance with an F-list celebrity they will tell you that their greatest fear is rushing for a train, elbowing their way on as the doors close and turning to see an old lady clocking that Charming Greg from Gardener’s Minute has beaten them onto the last non-peak train for Oxford, knowing that will become part of the Greg Who Lost His Charm story.

They spend the whole time dreading being caught seeming to glance at a woman’s bum, when they were actually craning their neck to see whether the food trolley had Kit Kats, because while that would be embarrassing for a civilian it could be career curtains for a celeb. This lot have got the fear of being spotted at all, then the fear of doing something/being perceived to have done something bad, and then the fear of follow-up.

Which brings us back to the case of Paltrow and the ski incident. When civilians collide on ski slopes one of them doesn’t open one eye, see that they’ve had a crash with the owner of Goop (estimated worth $250 million) and calculate that the pain in their ribs is worth a lot more than a call to the insurers. So an accident, whoever is at fault, is another thing on the list that celebrities can’t get away with.

We would add to this list of things they can’t get away with: being bad in bed (people talk). Forgetting their wallet. Ageing gracefully. Being ironic (out of context always looks cynical). Berating waiters for messing up orders. Having poorly trained dogs. Having children who are doing well, or doing badly. Being childless (unless Helen Mirren). Having affairs, at least ones conducted outdoors in restaurants. Having an uninterrupted night out. Having cellulite (if female). Having a hair transplant (if male). Wearing very expensive clothes. Dressing like a slob. It’s just good to remember that it’s not all it’s cracked up to be.