For many, it's time for gifts and 'Jingle Bells.' For the grieving, NJ has Blue Christmas

The trees are trimmed, the halls are decked and everyone's wrapping gifts, with Andy Williams crooning, "It's the most wonderful time of the year."

But for those who are sad or grieving, it's hard to have a merry Christmas.

It's the season when loss can be most pronounced.

Christmas technically commemorates the birth of Jesus, but it long ago turned into a full-blown cultural and commercial spree of enforced happiness, launching weeks before the holiday and lasting through early January.

A growing number of churches in New Jersey and around the country now are offering a haven from the hoopla: a Blue Christmas. The alternative holiday programs recognize that not everyone feels like rockin' around the Christmas tree this time of year.

At least a dozen churches in the state have held Blue Christmas services this month, including the Church of the Annunciation in Paramus, St. John's Episcopal in Little Silver and the First Presbyterian Church of South Amboy. Some churches refer to the event as "Longest Night" and hold it on the winter solstice (Dec. 21 this year), the shortest day and thus longest night of the year.

"The service grew common during the pandemic, when there was so much loss," said Steve Welch of the Episcopal Diocese of New Jersey, who led a solstice-eve Blue Christmas at Trinity Cathedral in Trenton.

"The cathedral had its first service two years ago on Zoom, when so many people had passed away, and it spoke to many," he said. "It's a recognition that at Christmas, when so many people are reveling in the joy of the holiday, there are also people who are grieving."

The details vary, but many Blue Christmas programs feature moments of silence, slow hymns, candle lightings, and reflective readings and prayers, said Todd Outcalt, a pastor from Brownsburg, Indiana, who has led such services for 25 years and authored a book called "Blue Christmas: Devotions of Light in a Season of Darkness."

"People often can't get into the joy of the season because they experienced grief," he said. "It's helpful to have readings that help them understand that there have been people throughout the centuries who have had the same experiences."

It's hard to pinpoint a precise origin, but churches in the U.S. began to offer alternative services in the 1980s and 1990s. In recent years, reflecting an era of multiplying crises, the tradition has become more widespread.

At the end of a Blue Christmas service at South Presbyterian Church in Bergenfield on Dec. 4, participants were invited to light candles and offer prayers in memory of loved ones, said the Rev. Osvaldo Nüesch. "We avoided all the happy songs and had prayers recognizing that while others are rejoicing around us, there's a weight that people carry when they are grieving."

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Among the parishioners who thanked him afterward was a grieving mother who said that when her son died last year, she had to have his service outdoors due to COVID. The weather was so bitterly cold that day, her tears froze, she told Nüesch.

"When she walked into the service and heard the hymns, she was finally able to shed tears for her son," he said. "It was very healing."

Diane Nafash had a somber Christmas after her husband, Robert, died last year. "We used to do everything together, and losing him was like losing my arm. I couldn't face the loneliness of being the sad one in a happy crowd on Christmas," she said.

She found comfort at the Bergenfield ceremony, where she and other parishioners called out the names of their loved ones and heard words of comfort and hope from the pastor.

"I was reminded that Christ shares our life in our joys and in our sorrows," Nafash said.

When she stood up to light a "candle of grief," she accidentally extinguished the flame. Later, she said, she came to see the moment as symbolic.

"Maybe it's sending me a message that I need to stop grieving so much and start living life more."

Pastor Susan Dorward of Brookdale Reformed Church in Bloomfield offered her first Blue Christmas about eight years ago as an opportunity for those feeling down during the holidays to gather at church and find solace. The gathering includes meditations, prayers and songs about comfort and hope. It finishes with a subdued "Silent Night."

"The service is for those who want to celebrate the birth of Christ but without the 'Jingle Bells' and 'Joy to the World,'" Dorward explained.

People struggling to feel joy at Christmastime can sink into further depression, she said.

"I offer the service in early December so people can take a deep breath and realize there are others around them who are feeling the same way," Dorward said.

David Smith of Keyport said the season hasn't been the same since he lost his son to cancer two years ago.

"Christmas is a time when everybody is supposed to be cheerful, and I feel the opposite," he said. When he heard about the Blue Christmas service at the First Presbyterian Church in Matawan, he gave it a try. A pastor led the crowd of some 20 participants through readings, hymns and moments of silence. "She had us go up and light a candle and say a prayer for anyone we lost. I found it very meaningful," he said. "It helped."

Matthew Cimorelli, pastor at Lutheran Church of the Reformation in West Long Branch, who has run Blue Christmas services for nearly a decade, noted that Christmas isn't difficult just for those who have lost loved ones, but for anyone experiencing disappointment or loneliness.

"If our faith is going to say anything genuine in our lives, we need to acknowledge the deeper realities of our lives, and that's what we try to do with these services," he said. "We tell the truth about the human experience."

Deena Yellin covers religion for NorthJersey.com. For unlimited access to her work covering how the spiritual intersects with our daily lives, please subscribe or activate your digital account today.

Email: yellin@northjersey.com

Twitter: @deenayellin

This article originally appeared on NorthJersey.com: NJ Blue Christmas services multiply as churches offer subdued holiday