Mark J. Price: Nobody lives in North Hill or West Hill

Why do I care so much about a two-letter word?

I have no idea.

Maybe I’m just getting crankier as I get older. Pretty soon I’ll be wearing my pants up to my chest and ordering neighbor kids to get off my lawn.

Akron flashback: What are the seven hills of Akron?

I grew up on North Hill in Akron. When I hear people say “in North Hill” instead of “on North Hill,” it annoys me. It’s like the sound of fingernails on a chalkboard.

Please note that I almost wrote blackboard instead of chalkboard. Like I said, I’m getting older. But from what I understand, chalkboards are outdated, too. Schools use whiteboards now. Why does everything have to change?

Sigh.

Getting back to my pet peeve: People don’t live in North Hill. They don’t burrow into the earth and make their homes underground. They live on North Hill.

You know who lives in North Hill? Groundhogs.

The same goes for West Hill. Nobody lives in West Hill. They live on it.

Granted, North Hill and West Hill are the official names of neighborhoods in Akron. People live in Goodyear Heights and Firestone Park and Ellet and Middlebury and Kenmore and Highland Square and Summit Lake.

Don’t get me started on Chapel Hill and Sherbondy Hill.

Come to think of it, doesn’t it sound weird to live in Summit Lake? That’s for the fish. Or the fishes. I no longer know what the plural is because everything changes.

Alas, I fear that “in” is in. The common usage will prevail. I’m losing the battle, but I’m not going quietly.

“I found my thrill on Blueberry Hill,” Fats Domino sang.

He didn’t find his thrill in Blueberry Hill. It was on the dang hill that he found that thrill!

Didn’t we learn anything from “Schoolhouse Rock”?

“I’m just a bill. Yes, I’m only a bill. And I’m sitting here on Capitol Hill.”

Not in Capitol Hill.

Last but not least, The Beatles sang about “The Fool on the Hill.”

Maybe I’m the fool for not giving in.

Your tax dollars at work

Have you seen those temporary speed tables that Akron has installed to slow vehicles in residential areas?

They aren’t speed bumps. These “traffic-calming devices” have tapered ends and flat tops. The interlocking, rubberized pieces are bolted and glued into place on streets.

They will be removed before winter.

More: Slow down! Akron installing 28 speed tables; more traffic calming methods to come

The city paid $150,000 — $5,000 per unit — to buy the tables, install them and put up signs. In addition, the city has budgeted another $200,000 for other traffic-calming devices.

Call me skeptical, but I don’t know if this was a wise use of taxpayer money.

Shouldn’t the gaping potholes and endless construction be enough to slow traffic in Akron?

Just kidding.

Come on, Kent State

I read that Kent State approved 24 named spaces in the new Crawford Hall in recognition of $10.7 million in philanthropic gifts.

Among the spaces will be the R. Louis Schneeberger Student Success Reception Area, the Salvatore and Carmela Volpe Collaboration Space and the William McKean and Mary Ann Williams Dean’s Office.

While I don’t have a fortune to donate, I am a proud alumnus and feel that I should have a named space, too.

Maybe the Mark J. Price Stadium Parking Space for all those cold winter mornings I had to wait for a Stadium Loop bus. Or maybe the Mark J. Price Slept Here Space for that steel desk in Taylor Hall that served as an uncomfortable bed after a long night of study. Or perhaps the Mark J. Price Golden Table at the Student Union, where I once grazed on a plate of bacon bits, cheddar cheese and sunflower seeds from the salad bar.

Come on, Kent State.

Marketing 101

Someone missed a golden opportunity. Why aren’t there any marijuana dispensaries on these Summit County byways:

• Stoner Street.

• High Street.

• Mary Avenue.

• Jane Avenue.

• Green Street.

• Bloomfield Avenue.

• Highview Avenue.

• Smokerise Drive.

• Firestone Boulevard.

Mark J. Price can be reached at mprice@thebeaconjournal.com.

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This article originally appeared on Akron Beacon Journal: Nobody lives in North Hill or West Hill