Mark Lane: The Darwinian Gardener finally accepts the holidays
The Darwinian Gardener’s customary laissez-faire attitude does not apply to the seasonal Holiday cycle. He insists that each day keep its assigned place in line. That includes Christmas and adjacent celebrations. This public service strikes some observers as Grinchy and grumpy. But it’s necessary to avoid getting Christmassed-out by Solstice Eve.
He grumps as he elbows his way past life-sized, LED-spangled Santa Clauses in September while picking up hurricane prep supplies at the hardware store. But now, Thanksgiving has passed and all bets are off.
But wait, who is this would-be autocrat of the seasons? Who is this Darwinian Gardener?
The Darwinian Gardener is Florida’s foremost exponent of survival-of-the-fittest lawn-and-garden care. He’s not going to pretend that grass stays green and lush in winter. It’s a time when his yard color changes to a casual khaki. His post-hurricane debris piles were stacked high with damaged and dead plants but were not objects of regret and sadness. We live where we live. Stuff happens. Things fall down.
More with the Darwinian Gardener: Mark Lane: The Darwinian Gardener tolerates sedges, celebrates purple berries
MORE: Mark Lane: The Darwinian Gardener faces the shrubbery and cuts up
But yard work does not halt on the holidays, which is why it’s a good time to Ask the Darwinian Gardener:
Q: Do you do anything to recognize the holidays in front of your house or is it the same dump as always?
A: After the Thanksgiving dishes are put away and the leftovers sorted, the Darwinian Gardener springs into action and hangs welcoming homemade wreaths on his home’s exterior. They are made from Virginia creeper vines that he pulls down over the year. He hoops them and dries them and ties them with bright red bows. The result is something you would easily pay $8 for at a craft store. And it’s one less plant to cart to the end of the driveway on yard trash day.
Q: So you put a bow on yard trash and try to pass it off as holiday décor?
A: For sure! Although the Darwinian Gardener is proud of his DIY ethos and would phrase things differently.
Q: I got a potted palm for a present last Christmas but it’s looking kind of sad and yellow. Should I repot it?
A: No. The Darwinian Gardener admits to being baffled by houseplants. They come with a lot of expectations. When one starts to look sad, he feels it must be pining for the outdoors. So he replants it, steps back and sees if it takes. Usually, it doesn’t.
Be warned, though, some of these plants will take off with a vengeance. One holiday he received a sickly little potted bamboo palm which he took pity on and planted out back by the porch. That was sometime during the Clinton administration. Now, its stalks are 12 feet tall, it’s menacing the house and its fronds are poking aggressively through the porch screen. This week, he’s working at cutting it all back.
Like a cute, little pound puppy that grows into something that eats furniture, like the little goldfish released into the retention pond that grows into the size of a dog, once freed from the pot, these plants can grow way, way bigger than you’d imagine. He now eyes every gift plant warily.
Giving plants as gifts: Are you sure you want to do this?
Q: What plants are good to give as gifts?
A: The Darwinian Gardener is distrustful of holiday gift plants. He’s killed his share of poinsettias over the years. The worst are Norfolk Island pines.
This is not Norfolk Island. The Darwinian Gardener prefers a yard that looks Floridalike. These can grow to incredible heights and then fall over in windstorms. And just to be clear, they aren’t really pines, either.
Some garden writers call the Norfolk pines “living fossils” because they look like they belong on the set of “Jurassic Park.” The Darwinian Gardener has been described that way, too, but doesn’t let it get to him.
He will plant a gift Norfolk Pine in the front yard so the gift-givers can feel good — he’s a softie that way — but arranges an “accident” sometime in February and blames the squirrels should anybody ask.
Q: Are you thankful for anything this holiday or are you just going to complain as usual?
A: The Darwinian Gardener is thankful that we’re in the last days of hurricane season and there is no blue tarp on his roof. He’s thankful for the rosemary he bought at an herb fair and is now the size of a small child. He’s grateful that the city hauled away his debris piles — twice within as many months. He grateful that azaleas keep on growing with no help whatsoever from him. He’s hoping other plants around them take the hint.
Mark Lane is a News-Journal columnist. His email is mlanewrites@gmail.com.
This article originally appeared on The Daytona Beach News-Journal: Mark Lane: The Darwinian Gardener finally accepts the holidays
