Mark Lane: The Darwinian Gardener hangs the wreaths and turns down the AC
The Darwinian Gardener denies any knowledge about the whereabouts of the front door wreath. He recalls having one last year, but after sorting through piles in the garage, whatever happened to it between February and now remains a mystery.
He did, however, retrieve the two wreaths that grace his garage. These were no semi-realistic plastic wreaths; instead, they are made-by-his-own-hand creations constructed from yard waste.
But wait, did somebody in the back ask, "who is this Darwinian Gardener Guy"?
The Darwinian Gardener is Florida's foremost exponent of survival-of-the-fittest lawn-and-garden care. His holiday spirit extends to children, domestic animals and birds, but stops well short of St. Augustine turfgrass. He will not play Santa Claus to needy plants that wonder why it's dark so early in the day and why the regular 2 p.m. showers stopped. No, he is the Ghost of Christmas Future, warning his greenery to embrace the season or face a cruel end in the winters still to come.
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Darwinian Gardener: Tolerating sedges, celebrating purple berries
And this is a good time to pause the Christmas wrapping and Ask The Darwinian Gardener:
Q: So what happened to the wreath?
A: The Darwinian Gardener gives the answer he always gives when anything is amiss in the yard: The squirrels must have eaten it. They're destructive little beasts.
Meanwhile, his perfectly serviceable small wreaths gracefully encircle his outdoor garage lamps. He made them from Virginian creeper vines.
Normally, he has a live-and-let-live attitude with the little creeps, but they started attacking his house, and he was not going to scrape the little sticky pads of their tendrils off the side of the house again when painting time rolls around, as it inevitably will someday.
He cut down the green vines, rolled them into hoops, and left them in the garage to brown and dry out. Tie a bow on the result and it looks like something you might easily have paid $8 for at a crafts store. Maybe more if you can’t locate a coupon. Plus tax.
Q: Do you do anything to the yard during the holidays other than allowing guests to park on the grass?
A: A turfgrass that can't take a few hours of flattening and shade beneath a Ford-F150 has lost the will to live and the Darwinian Gardener does not sympathize.
He pondered the possibility of doing yard work in back before it got dark but noticed a painted bunting in the beautyberry bush and was not about to disturb his favorite guest at the birdfeeder. Work had to be called off for the day.
Besides, this is the fallow season for the lawn. A time when it is allowed to rest from mowing and other stresses. Sure, it turns a casual khaki color from the shorter day and lack of regular rain, but that's the seasonal cycle. And should the temperature drop into the 40s or lower, the cold will finally stun back the crabgrass. Not to mention his nemesis of the backyard, the invasive and persistent air-potato vine.
What if it gets cold?
Q: How do you prepare for cold weather?
A: The Darwinian Gardener does not. This is Florida in the Age of Global Warming. It was 84 degrees here last Sunday. He had to dial his thermostat down to 76 to get into the holiday spirit after the kitchen got oppressive from cookie baking.
Floridians expect cool weather from December 20 to January 1. Outside of those 13 days, anything under or around 40 degrees is considered a climate emergency. Bushes and palms get wrapped up in sheets and from the road, look like trick-or-treat ghosts. But inside of those days, it’s considered a proper holiday, and thank goodness the Christmas candles aren’t getting all melty and misshapen. On his walks, he sniffs the air for the scent of chemical-treated wood-like logs from nearby fireplaces getting their once-a-year workout.
Q: This sounds like you’re putting up minimal and unlit holiday decorations. Are you some kind of grinch?
A: Hardly, the Darwinian Gardener considers time spent putting lights on the rain gutter — at great risk of personal injury — is time taken away from actual celebrating. He’s not one to let the yard get in the way of real-life living. Which is a good thought to take into the new year.
Mark Lane is a News-Journal columnist. His email is mark.lane@news-jrnl.com.
This article originally appeared on The Daytona Beach News-Journal: The Darwinian Gardener prepares for Florida Christmas: Hang wreaths, turns down AC
