Mark Woods: What the $#%?! Survey says Jacksonville is No. 3 in nation for swearing

Mark my words (a special profanity edition) …

According to a recent survey by Preply, an online language tutor, Jacksonville ranks third in the nation for cities that swear the most, finishing behind only Las Vegas and – at No. 1 – Columbus, Ohio.

What the &*#%?!

Mark Woods: Tampa transformed its downtown — former mayor says Jacksonville could do same

Also from Mark Woods: Can we protect ourselves from hurricanes? Expert has some thoughts

I’m torn about what to make of this. Should we attempt to cut back on our collective swearing? Or bleeping step it up? And how is $@#& Columbus, of all cities, ranked No. 1?

“We surveyed over 1,500 residents of 30 major U.S. cities to determine which cities swear most frequently,” Matt Zajechowski wrote in a blog post for Preply. “We asked them how often they swear, the situations they swear in the most, and even the age they uttered their first swear word.”

According to their survey, Jacksonville residents said they swear 28 times a day, eight behind Columbus.

I’m wondering whom they called in Jacksonville and when they called them. I mean, if you called Jaguars fans on quite a few Sundays in recent years, you might’ve gotten a Goodfellas-esque earful. And if you mentioned that Columbus, home of The Ohio State University, was No. 1 in a poll …

'Oh, fudge'

Such a survey clearly is flawed. Consider that it has Boston near the bottom of the list, swearing less than only two other cities (Phoenix and Portland). If you’ve ever been to Boston, you know that for many there, cursing is like breathing, only faster. Which might explain their survey results. Bostonians don’t even realize when they’re cursing.

I’m not judging. To be fair, if you had to drive in Boston, you’d curse a lot, too. And when I visit, I find their creative use of all kinds of words amusing and oddly endearing. But I’m personally not a big swearer. Never have been. And it doesn’t come from being the son of a Baptist minister.

While my dad didn’t swear all the time, there were certain situations – like when he was struggling to set up our pop-up camper – when a barrage of colorful words came out, bringing to mind the father in “A Christmas Story” fighting with the furnace.

“A Christmas Story,” by the way, also has one of the best cursing scenes not to use an actual curse word. It’s the one where Ralphie while helping his dad, drops some bolts and says, “Oh, fudge!” (Or as he recalls as the movie narrator, “Only I didn’t say ‘fudge …”)

It reminds me of a cursing story one of my friends tells. He was working under the sink, trying to fix something, realizing he should’ve just called a plumber, when he sat up, hit his head on the pipe and blurted out that word.

Because he said it so emphatically, his young son thought this was hilarious – and instantly and gleefully started mimicking it.

My friend used this as an opportunity to teach a lesson. He explained that daddy was upset, but he shouldn’t have used this word. His son took this to heart and stopped using it. Until they were out for dinner later. In the middle of a crowded restaurant, his son got upset about something and started loudly saying, “Fudge, fudge, fudge.” Only he didn’t say fudge.

'Bless your heart'

The reason I don’t swear much is I’m not good at it. I remember being a kid, trying to act all grown-up by dropping in a few swear words around my friends, only to feel like it was fake and forced. So I just never got good at it.

Some of my colleagues, though, long ago mastered it. Back when we all were working in the newsroom, Nate Monroe and Chris Hong routinely had conversations that felt like they were written by Quentin Tarantino. Well, if Tarantino ever made a movie about the attempted sale of JEA. (Coming soon, please, “PUP Fiction.”)

At the time, Sandy Strickland worked in a nearby cubicle.

I never once heard Sandy swear, although there was that one memorable time she got upset about something and blurted out: “Rats!”

She also quickly and earnestly apologized to anyone within earshot for resorting to such language.

Mary Kelli Palka, our editor, also grew up in Jacksonville. Unlike Sandy, she’s been known to use a few words stronger than “rats.” I remember, back when Mary Kelli was a reporter covering City Hall, one year she announced that she was giving up cursing for Lent.

She swore she wasn’t going to swear. We all predicted that wouldn’t last. And, sure enough, a few days later, she got off the phone, perhaps after talking to someone in the Peyton administration, and yelled a certain word.

Without missing a beat, a nearby colleague, Paul Pinkham, yelled out, “Happy Easter!”

Jake Godbold would’ve been proud.

Godbold was legendary for, among other things, his salty language. For Jake, being sworn in as mayor didn’t mean no more swearing, although he did give it a try at one point.

Former Times-Union columnist Ron Littlepage recalls the time when Godbold declared he was going to stop cursing, at least when speaking publicly.

“That lasted about a day,” Littlepage said.

Not everyone swears. The Preply survey found that 7 percent of respondents swore they never swear. Of course, in this part of the country, there are some who don’t use curse words but do use a remarkably versatile phrase — something that can be used to express genuine sympathy or to deliver, as one magazine called it, “the most savage insult in the country.”

So to those cities above us and below us on this list, allow me to say …

Bless your hearts.

mwoods@jacksonville.com

(904) 359-4212

This article originally appeared on Florida Times-Union: Jacksonville ranks third for most swearing in U.S., Preply survey says