Mary Schmich: The feud for which there is no truce? The saga of old Dr. Seuss

I’ll tell you, kids, what I would do

If I were queen and ran the zoo!

If I controlled the whole dang show

Hoo boy the places I would go!

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I’d make the virus vanish now!

I’d kill that villain — oof! kapow!

And if I were the lady king?

I’d turn the winter into spring!

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And then I’d hop upon a plane

To Mali, China or Bahrain!

I’d go to England, go to France

I’d go there in my underpants!

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I’m kidding, kids, and I digress

Those aren’t the things we must address

The biggest issue on the globe?

The one we must dissect and probe?

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The thing that’s set the world on fire?

The thing that’s got us in the mire?

The feud for which there is no truce?

The saga of old Dr. Seuss.

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First, let’s review this frightful fight

That’s stoked the war of left and right

The truth begins with his estate —

They said not all his works are great.

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They did not mean that Christmas grinch

Whose face is in a constant pinch

They did not cite that rhyming cat

The one who wears the giant hat.

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They did not mean green eggs and ham —

I’m getting to my point, I am! —

They said that they’ll no longer print

Six books for which they now repent.

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Six books that stigmatize some folks

That turn them into types and jokes

Six books of which you’d never heard!

Of which you could not quote a word!

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They said those books can cause real pain

And still the right wing must complain!

They say that there’s no racist harm

They shake their fists with faux alarm!

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Cry, “Cancel culture’s run amok!

“The woke folk really, truly suck!

“They’ll take our guns, they’ll take our books!

“They’re fascists! Vandals! Left-wing crooks!”

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But, kids, I’m here to give the facts

Those books, they do not face the ax

They are not victims of a purge

So let us stop the free-speech dirge.

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They’ve not been hid with keys and locks!

No matter what you hear from Fox!

No, no one took them from your house!

No matter how the Fox folks grouse!

No, no one took them from your car!

They did not take them from your bar!

They did not take them from the shops!

They did not send the cancel cops!

So stop this phony moan and scare

They did not ban them anywhere!

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Those books weren’t burned! They weren’t destroyed!

So why are some folks so annoyed?

Because they like performing rage

Upon the “cancel culture” stage.

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You’d think that there’s no other news

No other cause to blow a fuse

No climate change, no needy poor

(The real news can be such a bore.)

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Evictions! Health care? COVID dead?

Let’s talk about Potato Head!

You heard that he’s been canceled too?

Well, kids, that simply isn’t true.

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Besides, this feud is good for biz

It really, truly, sadly is!

Those books are selling very fast

Much quicker than in all the past.

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And as for Seuss, his work lives on

The best of Seuss is far from gone

But times they change, and so must we

The more we live, the more we see.

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We see some books can harm and hurt

In subtle ways and more overt

And books that once seemed A-OK

Look different in a newer day.

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His work is from a different time

He did not mean it as a crime

But in this time there’s no excuse

For certain books by Dr. Seuss.