Mary Schmich: Under Siege: A poem about Donald Trump, to the tune of 'The Yellow Rose of Texas'
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This is the latest, and close to last, installment of my ongoing rhyming chronicle of the presidency of Donald J. Trump, based, as always, on his words and acts. Note: It can be sung to the tune of “The Yellow Rose of Texas.”
UNDER SIEGE
I wake up in the mornings
And I can’t get out of bed
I pull the covers higher
But I can’t escape the dread.
.
I don’t know how to spend my days
I don’t know what to do
Jack took away my Twitter toy
And robbed me of my coup.
.
They stole the whole election, folks —
You know I can’t be beat —
And now the steal continues
As they tell me I can’t tweet!?!???
.
Geez, Twitter was my megaphone
My weapon and my stage
My reason to get up each day
My way to stoke the rage.
.
Then Zuckerberg suspends me?
And now Parler’s plug is yanked?
They’re banning my supporters
In the hopes that they’ll feel spanked?
.
Dream on, you big tech weenies
You will never drain my swamp!
My fans will spring up somewhere else
Each time that you go whomp!
.
At least my subjects love me still
They know that I’m their liege
They’ll die to save my kingdom
And protect me from this siege.
.
You know what really guts me, tho?
The meanest, saddest snub?
Is how the PGA announced
They won’t play at my club.
.
Sniffles.
.
Don’t talk to me of treason
Or the Capitol’s assault
'Tis I who am in danger
My supporters aren’t my fault!
.
Oh, spare me all the blather
Like “sedition” and “incite”
It’s not my fault folks rioted
Because I told them, “Fight!”
.
It’s not my fault they stormed the Hill
And climbed the Congress walls
Or stole old Nancy’s lectern
While they rampaged through the halls.
.
It’s not my fault they’re tacky
And they wore those low-class clothes
The camouflage, the capes, the horns!
Embarrassing, Lord knows.
.
It’s not my fault they shoved the cops
Or that a few folks died
If anyone claims otherwise
The truth is they have lied!
.
It’s not my fault they love me
And they think I love them back
Their love for me’s my heroin
My daily dose of crack.
.
It’s not my fault the congressmen
Were cooped up in a room
Afraid that all those rioters
Might bring their death and doom.
.
So some were anti-maskers?
And they let the virus spread?
You can’t blame me for congressmen
Who wind up sick or dead.
.
Coughs.
.
I won’t be held “accountable”
Oh, how I hate that word
I’ve never been accountable
To start now is absurd.
.
Apologize? Forget it!
And resign? You must be sick!
I vow to go out swingin’
I’m no wimp like Tricky Dick.
.
And what about my civil rights?
Don’t tread on my free speech!
The 25th Amendment? Bah!
How dare they say, “Impeach!”
.
Impeachment will stoke anger, tho
And that won’t be all bad
I sharpen anger like a sword
When all my fans get mad.
.
Sniffles.
.
My enemies are everywhere
Don’t mention bleepin’ Pence
That coward has abandoned me
He’s safe up on his fence.
.
My staff is fleeing from my house
Like roaches chased by fear
But I? I’m going nowhere
I am gonna stay right here.
.
This whole thing reeks of Orwell —
No, I haven’t read his stuff —
But people say he’s very good
His words are very tough.
.
You say the right wing’s got it wrong?
“Orwellian” means like me?
I’m sorry, I heard otherwise
While watching Fox TV.
.
Yawns. Stretches.
.
OK, I’m getting out of bed
I’ve got to get to work
I never, ever want it said
That all I did was shirk.
.
I’ll give away some medals
And I’ll show I’m tough — I will!
I’ll do some executions
Cause I’ve still got time to kill.
.
Some say that I’m deluded
And some say I’m evil — pure
Some say that everything I’ve done
Is 'cause I’m insecure.
.
Some say I am like Nero
Who played fiddle while Rome burned
But, no, I am no Nero
Cause that loser never learned ...
.
That when your kingdom’s burning
You cannot just up and flee
You’ve got to stage a photo-op
And be seen on TV.
.
Looks in mirror, cinches tie
.
Those Texas folks still like me
So I’m boarding Air Force One
To go somewhere that’s warmer
And they love a big shotgun.
.
I’ll hit the town of Alamo
To stand upon my stump
To praise my giant, awesome wall
And cry: Remember Trump!