Mary Schmich: White House of Horrors: A Halloween-themed poem about Donald Trump
- Oops!Something went wrong.Please try again later.
- Oops!Something went wrong.Please try again later.
- Oops!Something went wrong.Please try again later.
This is the latest in my occasional TrumPoems, a rhyming account of the presidency of Donald J. Trump, loosely based, as always, on his words and acts.
WHITE HOUSE OF HORRORS
It’s midnight in my haunted house —
The White House in D.C. —
A house that’s cursed by COVID
But that doesn’t frighten me.
.
I won’t give in to terror
As I lie here in my bed
Alone with all my scary thoughts
And specters of the dead.
.
COVID, COVID everywhere —
It got my son and wife! —
But still I will not wear a mask
Because I am pro-life.
.
I’m pro my life as president
Which means I won’t concede
That COVID’s a great killer
And that masks are what we need.
.
Yeah, yeah, I got the virus
But I beat it in a snap!
I’m back out on the campaign trail
And superspreading (expletive).
.
“COVID, COVID, COVID!”
All those lefties bleat the word
They think if they repeat it
That I’ll lose November third.
.
Turns up white noise machine.
.
Some nights I wake up clammy
From my awful, haunted dreams
And sometimes I can hear them —
Yes, the Founding Fathers’ screams.
.
They wave the Constitution
And they cry, “What have you done?!?”
I pull the covers higher
And I pout, “Just having fun.”
.
The Founding Fathers scold me
But I’ve got a great retort:
“Hey, listen up, you weenies
I have saved the highest court!”
.
Sighs.
.
This big old house is full of ghosts
Of goblins, ghouls and haints
Obama creeps around the place
And hisses his complaints.
.
Abe Lincoln roams the hallways too
I see his giant tracks
A hero who was just like me —
Both saviors of the Blacks!
.
Oh eek! I think that shadow moved!
And did I hear a thump?
C-could it be my nasty niece
That liar Mary Trump?
.
And yikes, there’s nasty Hillary
Oh how I hate that witch!
And is that Rudy over there
Still scratching his small itch?
.
Suburban woman love me, though
Their love restores my hope
Their fear will save me from defeat …
Did someone just say “Nope?”
.
I heard a curtain rustle!
So I’ll turn up the TV
A demon’s coming toward me …
Lesley Stahl? Or RBG?
.
The demon’s getting closer
And I think she muttered, “Truth!”
She’ll kill me with that gavel and …
Oh please don’t hurt me, Ruth!
.
My heart is beating like a drum
Like when I’m watching porn
By porn I just mean Fox TV —
Hey, where’s my candy corn?
.
Rustles through bedside candy bowl. Harrumphs. Settles for a mini Snickers.
.
There’s vampires all around me
Cackling, “Happy Halloween!”
There’s Harris in her sneakers
God, that freaky woman’s mean.
.
Please save me, Lord! It’s Whitmer!
And did Maddow just cry “Boo!”?
These spooks are out to get me …
Stormy Daniels, is that you?
.
Good God, is that Pete Buttigieg?
He’s risen from the grave?
And could that be Old Fauci
Who pretends that he’s so brave?
.
And what’s that howling in the dark?
A pack of wolves! The press!
They’re coming for my tax returns
Demanding I confess.
.
They yap and yammer, “Money fraud!
And where’s his health care plan?”
Thank God I can distract them
With my dance to “Macho Man.”
.
Stares at ceiling. Opens another mini Snickers. Bites.
.
Election Day is coming soon
The pollsters say I’ll fail
At least I’ve done the best I could
To poison vote by mail.
.
The Democrats — those socialists —
They want to steal my house
But I am not afraid of them …
Aieeee! Was that a mouse?
.
The wind is blowing colder now
The enemy draws near
But I still have my power
For I rule by clout and fear.
.
But if I lose, I’ll move abroad
They’ll miss me when I go
They’ll fin’lly learn to love me
When they’re stuck with Sleepy Joe.
.
But that’s not gonna happen, no!
I never shall retreat!
I’ll keep this house as mine, all mine!
I’ll win by trick or tweet.
———
ABOUT THE WRITER
Mary Schmich is a columnist for the Chicago Tribune and winner of the 2012 Pulitzer Prize for commentary.
———
©2020 Chicago Tribune
Visit the Chicago Tribune at www.chicagotribune.com
Distributed by Tribune Content Agency, LLC.