Mary Schmich: White House of Horrors: A Halloween-themed poem about Donald Trump

Mary Schmich, Chicago Tribune

This is the latest in my occasional TrumPoems, a rhyming account of the presidency of Donald J. Trump, loosely based, as always, on his words and acts.

WHITE HOUSE OF HORRORS

It’s midnight in my haunted house —

The White House in D.C. —

A house that’s cursed by COVID

But that doesn’t frighten me.

.

I won’t give in to terror

As I lie here in my bed

Alone with all my scary thoughts

And specters of the dead.

.

COVID, COVID everywhere —

It got my son and wife! —

But still I will not wear a mask

Because I am pro-life.

.

I’m pro my life as president

Which means I won’t concede

That COVID’s a great killer

And that masks are what we need.

.

Yeah, yeah, I got the virus

But I beat it in a snap!

I’m back out on the campaign trail

And superspreading (expletive).

.

“COVID, COVID, COVID!”

All those lefties bleat the word

They think if they repeat it

That I’ll lose November third.

.

Turns up white noise machine.

.

Some nights I wake up clammy

From my awful, haunted dreams

And sometimes I can hear them —

Yes, the Founding Fathers’ screams.

.

They wave the Constitution

And they cry, “What have you done?!?”

I pull the covers higher

And I pout, “Just having fun.”

.

The Founding Fathers scold me

But I’ve got a great retort:

“Hey, listen up, you weenies

I have saved the highest court!”

.

Sighs.

.

This big old house is full of ghosts

Of goblins, ghouls and haints

Obama creeps around the place

And hisses his complaints.

.

Abe Lincoln roams the hallways too

I see his giant tracks

A hero who was just like me —

Both saviors of the Blacks!

.

Oh eek! I think that shadow moved!

And did I hear a thump?

C-could it be my nasty niece

That liar Mary Trump?

.

And yikes, there’s nasty Hillary

Oh how I hate that witch!

And is that Rudy over there

Still scratching his small itch?

.

Suburban woman love me, though

Their love restores my hope

Their fear will save me from defeat …

Did someone just say “Nope?”

.

I heard a curtain rustle!

So I’ll turn up the TV

A demon’s coming toward me …

Lesley Stahl? Or RBG?

.

The demon’s getting closer

And I think she muttered, “Truth!”

She’ll kill me with that gavel and …

Oh please don’t hurt me, Ruth!

.

My heart is beating like a drum

Like when I’m watching porn

By porn I just mean Fox TV —

Hey, where’s my candy corn?

.

Rustles through bedside candy bowl. Harrumphs. Settles for a mini Snickers.

.

There’s vampires all around me

Cackling, “Happy Halloween!”

There’s Harris in her sneakers

God, that freaky woman’s mean.

.

Please save me, Lord! It’s Whitmer!

And did Maddow just cry “Boo!”?

These spooks are out to get me …

Stormy Daniels, is that you?

.

Good God, is that Pete Buttigieg?

He’s risen from the grave?

And could that be Old Fauci

Who pretends that he’s so brave?

.

And what’s that howling in the dark?

A pack of wolves! The press!

They’re coming for my tax returns

Demanding I confess.

.

They yap and yammer, “Money fraud!

And where’s his health care plan?”

Thank God I can distract them

With my dance to “Macho Man.”

.

Stares at ceiling. Opens another mini Snickers. Bites.

.

Election Day is coming soon

The pollsters say I’ll fail

At least I’ve done the best I could

To poison vote by mail.

.

The Democrats — those socialists —

They want to steal my house

But I am not afraid of them …

Aieeee! Was that a mouse?

.

The wind is blowing colder now

The enemy draws near

But I still have my power

For I rule by clout and fear.

.

But if I lose, I’ll move abroad

They’ll miss me when I go

They’ll fin’lly learn to love me

When they’re stuck with Sleepy Joe.

.

But that’s not gonna happen, no!

I never shall retreat!

I’ll keep this house as mine, all mine!

I’ll win by trick or tweet.

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ABOUT THE WRITER

Mary Schmich is a columnist for the Chicago Tribune and winner of the 2012 Pulitzer Prize for commentary.

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©2020 Chicago Tribune

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