Matt Smith: Don't try this at Goatneck
Aug. 6—"Is there something going on in Cleburne I should know about?" Cleburne Police Sgt. Kelly Summey asked.
Likewise Johnson County Sheriff Adam King.
"Please tell me this isn't happening here."
Cleburne Mayor Scott Cain expressed a reaction similar.
"Are you serious?" Cain asked. "Is that even a thing?"
Apparently it is Mr. Mayor.
Let me back up.
Much like everyone's Gmail, Hotmail or email of choice, tidal waves of junk mail wash through the Times-Review's inbox daily. Bothersome, annoying rubbish the majority of it. It's the usual stuff. The king of Africa just died and, having no relatives, decided to leave his $10 billion fortune to me provided I click the link to set the money transfer in motion. Always, of course, endless foaming-at-the-mouth missives from Republicans and Democrats carrying on about how the other side is the devil and/or everyone who disagrees with their beliefs and positions is the devil as well and, unless you sign their petition or dispatch a donation, the country is surely galloping toward ruin. Not to mention political candidates, most not from anywhere around here, soliciting support, but mainly donations.
You got it buddy. Think I'll send $20 to your state senate campaign in Idaho. Just hold your breath and wait for it to show up.
Businesses and organizations often send email invites to their grand openings, events, seminars or whatever, happenings almost always taking place hundreds, if not thousands, of miles from Cleburne.
Once for grins I called a PR firm in Minnesota that emailed us an invite to a Houston event. The poor girl who answered the phone was under the assumption that H-Town is but a short stroll from Cleburne.
Some of the events actually sound fun while others — an Edinburg, Texas, invite to a safety seminar on glass strengthening solutions for enhanced safety, for example — sound impossible to remain conscious through.
Course, I'm up for traveling the country to write stories on safe glass or whatever provided the Times-Review powers that be fund my action-packed expense account.
I asked once. They're still laughing.
Point being, while the occasional email brings a chuckle, most get deleted with nary a glance.
I do sometimes read the ones from something called Lawnstarter, which we've been getting for years. Despite the implications of the name aside, Lawnstarter has nothing to do with landscaping as far as I can tell. Rather they rank cities according to various categories. Categories oftentimes ordinary, best cities for dating or pet owners and so forth. Other times a bit more out there, best cities for haunted houses or Pop Tarts consumption say.
A Lawnstarter email received several weeks ago announced July as World Naked Bike Riding Month and ranked the 10 best and worst cities for naked cycling. They're thorough if nothing else, weighing 11 metrics in their ranking decision including local interest in nude cycling, bikeability of the area and legal bumps such as public nudity laws.
Philadelphia ranks best.
"Full public nudity is allowed in Philly as long as you aren't being lewd," according to the email.
Cain stressed that such is not the case in Cleburne, and expressed surprise over Philadelphia's rules.
"Guess they should change the name from the City of Brotherly Love to the City of Brotherly Love," Cain said. "Now I'm thinking of that old song from the '70s, 'The Streak,'"
Austin, figures, is the sole Texas city on the best list at No. 5. Surprise, Arizona, tops the worst naked bicycle locale list.
For anyone entertaining thoughts of birthday suit bicycling through Cleburne or the county, officials plead ... just don't.
"It's kind of like operating a chainsaw naked," King said. "There are some things that just shouldn't be done."
Cleburne Police Chief Rob Severance agreed.
"I'm worried about them getting sunburned," Severance said with a laugh. "Those bike seats can get hot. Plus it sounds uncomfortable and possibly dangerous. But seriously, should that ever arise we would apply the applicable laws."
Severance and other local law enforcement officials said that while they've dealt with their share of naked people they've yet to encounter one on a bicycle.
According to Lawnstarter's email at least, nude cycling is a real thing with annual rides in Portland, Oregon, and other cities.
Should that include nude male cycling, and based on the gist of the email I'm assuming such is so, I say confine that nonsense to some other state, preferably some other continent.
But, should a battalion of au naturale women similar in appearance to say Grace Kelly, Phoebe Cates, Linda Ronstadt, Jenna Coleman or somesuch develop a hankering to hop atop a velocipede and pedal, pedal slowly that is, through Cleburne, well I could wholeheartedly support their initiative.
The fact that they're into exercising and bicycling may well indicate fitness and cuteness after all.
Or maybe not.
"There's not a whole lot of people in Cleburne I want to see naked," Summey said. "Trust me, in all my time as a cop, anytime I've had to deal with a naked person not a single one of them looked like Brad Pitt or Julia Roberts."
Severance, still haunted by a buff encounter during his days as a Grand Prairie police officer, agreed.
"I was driving to the city fuel pumps and saw this woman in the middle of the road just buck naked," Severance said. "I grabbed her wrist because, well because I really didn't want to grab anything else. She ended up biting me."
King offered a possible solution.
"If you just have to ride your bike naked please do that on your own property," King said. "Preferably a property with a really high fence."
Just to be safe, Severance and King promised to keep a close eye on next year's Tour de Goatneck bike ride to ensure the annual spectacle doesn't devolve into the wrong kind of spectacle.
All that said, who knows if or when someone might get it in their head to bare bike Cleburne.
Cleburnites can rest easy on one count at least.
"I can assure the people of Cleburne that they won't ever be seeing me doing that," Cain said.
Mayor, good day.
