McDonald’s New Menu Hacks Aren't New to Black Folks

·4 min read
Image:  McDonald’s
Image: McDonald’s

Sometimes a relationship gets a little stale and you need to spice things up. We’ve been with McDonald’s for a long time, so at this point, there’s not much new to discover about one another.

Usually it’s the Quarter Pounder meal with a Coke, but maybe every once in a while we might be in the mood for a Crispy Chicken. Things have gotten predictable.

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Though now it seems like McDonald’s wants to experiment, because it’s offering new menu ideas it picked up on social media.

According to CNN, beginning Jan. 31, and only for a limited time, the famous chain will offer four new “menu hacks” suggested by fans.

These hacks are available on the McDonald’s app or in person at restaurants. You get the ingredients, then assemble them yourself, as the Golden Arches says “because that’s half the fun!”

Here’s the thing, they clearly got these hacks from white accounts, because there’s absolutely nothing new to Black people about these meals.

McDonald’s commercials tell us who they think their target audience is. I can’t turn on the TV without them using hip hop and an adorably cute Black family to sell me chicken sandwiches, so they can’t pretend like Black people aren’t a huge portion of the customers.

First up, breakfast brings The Hash Brown McMuffin®. A hash brown on a Sausage McMuffin with Egg, that adds an “extra little crispy bite.”

Have you ever watched Chopped and some mediocre white guy, who’s definitely not seasoning his food enough, is so pleased with himself when he decides to fry the brussels sprouts to add crunch? Like no one has ever thought of that before in the history of cooking.

He was the one who submitted this.

We know exactly how it happened. One morning, he was in a rush and threw the hash brown in his McMuffin, then thought “oh my God, I’m a food genius. I need to tweet this to McDonald’s immediately. This changes everything!”

Potatoes on the breakfast sandwich? Wow, that’s a game-changer. Oh wait…my grandmother was doing that back in the ‘60s.

The Crunchy Double is a Chicken McNuggets six piece with a double cheeseburger. You then put the nuggets inside the burger and drizzle with barbecue sauce.

Doesn’t everyone get a side of nuggets with their shockingly small double cheeseburger? We thought you guys already knew about this.

Usually we get the four piece, because it’s on the Dollar Menu, but the double cheeseburger is so compact, it works out just fine.

Barbecue chicken with a burger. Yes, you’re right Mickey D’s, no one has ever done that before. Well, other than every Black person who’s ever attended a cookout.

The Land, Air & Sea, where you combine a chicken sandwich, Big Mac and a Filet-o-Fish into one big sandwich sounds like something you do on a dare when you’re in high school and have no concerns about what you do to your stomach.

What stoner ate this, forgot it was terrible, then suggested it? Even worse, why would McDonald’s think this is a good idea. And why would I let my fries get cold while I’m assembling all these sandwiches?

No one wants this. Also, what happens when I get that Crispy Chicken Sandwich that’s a little too crispy, or a Filet-o-Fish that spent too much time in the fryer?

This is such a bad idea. And definitely not submitted by anyone we know.

Then there’s The Surf + Turf. A double cheeseburger and a Filet-o-Fish put together. I guess technically it’s beef and fish, so yeah it’s surf and turf. However, no one in the history of food has ever had either of these sandwiches and thought surf and turf.

McDonald’s wants to court Black buyers, but also doesn’t want to help its Black franchisees or offend white customers by making the food too good.

This menu hack is meant for consumers with boring, unseasoned palates who always eat their food exactly the way it comes out of the box.

These are the people who don’t doctor supermarket potato salad.

If only McDonald’s put the same effort into maintaining the shake machine.

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