Meghan, Duchess of Sussex hops on Ellen’s sofa, seeking a saintly rebrand

We’ve had actress Meghan, princess Meghan, victim Meghan and multi-millionaire Montecito Meghan, so viewers could have been forgiven for wondering which Meghan they were going to get on Ellen DeGeneres’s sofa.

Was this going to be the Meghan of Tom Bradby fame, who tearfully nibbled her lip and told the world nobody had asked if she was okay? Or was it going to be the defiant Duchess who appeared on Oprah, boldly insisting that the racist royals had denied Archie a title because of the colour of his skin?

As she shared kooky stories about alighting her “very, very old” Ford Explorer Sport through the trunk when the driver’s door stopped opening, it soon became apparent that we were going to be treated to “cuddly Meghan”, the giggly girl next door in the £1,336 blouse.

‘Can you feel my powers?’

Notwithstanding the lack of explanation over why the 40-year-old royal could not have exited her old banger from the passenger door instead of clambering through the boot, this was Soccer Mom Megs, seemingly keen for a seraphic rebrand in the face of her toxic court case against the Mail on Sunday.

Only last week, we heard how the mother-of-two had premeditatedly addressed her father as “daddy” in a handwritten letter to “pull on the heartstrings” in case it was leaked.

Now it was Meghan’s turn to tug on the audience’s emotions by telling touching tales about Archie dressing up as a dinosaur for Hallowe’en and “Lili” as a skunk “like Flower from Bambi.” There was sadly no mention of what fancy dress aficionado Harry wore or indeed the whereabouts of the Windsor One, who was last spotted juggling in the background of another one of Meghan’s A-list speed dates with Melissa McCarthy. Harry, nicknamed “The Hostage” by palace staff, is “happy” in California, his wife insisted, pointing out the sunnier weather.

As with Winfrey, Jeremy Paxman this wasn’t. By introducing Meghan as “my friend”, Ellen set the tone for what largely turned out to be a neighbourly chat between two women who met at a pet shop 10 years ago. Naturally, there was no journalistic inquiry into the bullying claims against the Sussexes, or why DeGeneres is ending her talk show next year following complaints about her alleged unpleasantness to staff.

Instead, we learned how an “innovative” nine-year-old Meghan had made scrunchies at elementary school, despite trying to make her “ethnic” hair resemble Andie MacDowell’s from Four Weddings and a Funeral. We also heard why, “as a mom of two”, Meghan would do everything she could to implement the paid family leave she enjoyed in the Britain they left behind (not that she mentioned the UK at all). “Can you feel my powers?” she appeared to ask one audience member, amid rapturous applause. We could certainly feel the power of her blow dry, that’s for sure.

Keen to brandish her woman of the people credentials, Meghan even agreed to send herself up in a prank skit in the vein of Ant and Dec’s I’m A Celebrity, Get Out of Me Ear, when she posed as a cat in a scene eerily reminiscent of George Galloway on Celebrity Big Brother. They may have left the Royal Family to protect their privacy - yet with this newfound penchant for primetime, perhaps the jungle will be next, after all?