Miller: I once had an employee apply for her own job
I once had a discussion with a business acquaintance about hiring and firing employees. The conversation began with sharing interview techniques and moved to a discussion of labor laws. The conversation ended with a storytelling contest comparing the worst employees we had ever hired and fired.
I easily won the contest. Angie helped.
Angie was the first person I hired when I started to practice. She seemed to be a down-to-earth, hard-working single mom. Emphasis on “seemed to be.”
After I hired Angie, her morning ritual was the first sign of trouble. Every morning she balanced the ledger from the day before. Well, she tried to balance the ledger. The adding machine would spit out a roll of tape, there would be a moment of silence, a few sighs were given, and she would start again. Each attempt resulted in additional signs of frustration, pencil tapping and mumbling. I usually ended up helping her.
The second sign of trouble was Angie’s boyfriend, “Sweet Pea.” His middle initial was the letter “P.” Just the letter “P.” It did not stand for anything. She called him “Sweet Pea” or just “P.” Sweet Pea started coming to the office every day after he left work. Of course, the primary problem with this was him distracting her from her work. There was also a secondary problem. He was Charles Manson’s twin.
The third problem was kind of a surprise. Angie began telling patients about séances she and “P” were hosting. I told her I did not want the topic discussed in the office. I’m sure she put a hex on me after the discussion. A few weeks after this, Angie reported that when they woke up the morning after their last séance, all their furniture was on end, and their pictures were hanging upside down.
I know I should have fired her then, but in my defense, I was in my late 20s and had never been anyone’s boss.
The next and final problem occurred when my wife, Kim, and I decided to attend a business seminar in Atlanta. Everyone in the office needed to go. We wanted to fly, but it was too expensive. We drove instead, eight hours one way.
Kim and I were heavily in debt. We had school loans, business loans and a mortgage, and we were raising twins. The seminar was in a costly hotel, and we tried to cut expenses anywhere we could. We told Angie we would eat at local restaurants and get snacks for the rooms.
Angie told us she was on a diet and was limiting herself to certain foods, which she said she had packed.
The evening we arrived, Kim and I went to a grocery for snacks. When we returned to the hotel, we waited for an elevator in the lobby. While we waited, we noticed the hotel lobby also served as the entrance to a nightclub. You could feel the bass from the club’s music thumping right through you. When the elevator arrived, a woman got off and walked past us. Kim looked at me funny and said, “Angie?”
The woman turned around. It was Angie! She had changed her hair, put on enough makeup to plaster a wall, and well … she was wearing most of her clothes. She was heading to the nightclub. This ended up being a nightly event for her.
The day the seminar ended, I went to check out and pay our bill. When the clerk handed the bill to me, I noted a mistake. There was almost $700 in room service charges listed. I told the clerk we had not ordered room service during our stay.
He quickly produced receipts for each order, all signed by Angie. I was instantly homicidal. I called Angie to the desk and asked about the situation, and she was very unapologetic. These events occurred in 1988, so I must channel her. Let me get my Ouija Board. Paraphrasing now, “So I went dancing, picked up a few men, and fed them steak and lobster for dinner and steak and eggs for breakfast. And, what’s a few bottles of champagne?” She denied nothing.
To her, the real problem was our complete lack of understanding of how out-of-town business trips were conducted.
I paid the bill and wanted to fire her on the spot, but I needed her to work until I could hire her replacement. It was a very long, very silent, very uncomfortable ride home.
I placed a help wanted ad in the local paper when we returned. The ad stated that a growing health care business was looking for a skilled office administrator. It included a brief job description, and resumes were to be sent to the newspaper office.
When the newspaper dropped off the first stack of resumes, I opened them immediately. The third one I opened was from Angie. She had applied for her own job. She listed impressive qualifications. She was currently the head of business operations for a large, well-established health care facility that put the Mayo Clinic to shame.
I hired someone a few days later. I called Angie into my office at the end of the day and handed her resume to her. I had written, “You’re Fired — Application Rejected” on the resume in red ink.
Dr. Jeff Miller is a doctor of chiropractic at the Missouri Orthopaedic Institute and the University of Missouri School of Medicine in Columbia.
This article originally appeared on Columbia Daily Tribune: Miller: She applied for her own job
