If you missed the Super Bowl, no worries — I've got your livestream right here

Even in a world of excess upon excess, holding a Super Bowl in Las Vegas seemed a bit much. Like putting a Stone Cold Creamery upstairs from a Baskin-Robbins.

I’ve been to Las Vegas, and totally enjoyed the first hour I was there. As a matter of fact, I enjoyed it so much that one hour was quite enough, and with each subsequent hour the joy was replaced by a cold, suffocating depression so that by the end of the day I felt I had just booked a $5,000 vacation to the Halloween aisle at Big Lots.

So perhaps it wasn’t a surprise that, in its entirety, this felt less like a sporting event than a variety show. In keeping with that, I “livestreamed it” for you (don’t be confused by the fact that my livestreaming is showing up 48 hours after the fact; it was live when I did it).

6:23: Taylor Swift sees herself on the monitor and acts shocked and surprised that someone is taking her picture. Probably the first time it’s happened.

6:32: Coin toss. Great opportunity missed here, seeing as this might be the only overt action without a corporate sponsor. The 2024 Coin Toss Brought To You By Bitcoin would have been an obvious fit. Someone better get fired over this one.

6:45: Let the advertising begin. Long story short, if you like flying reptiles and Dan Marino, this was the Super Bowl for you. If ad writers felt their copy getting a bit spongy, they just threw in a winged velociraptor or washed-up athlete and that made things satisfactory again.

I should clarify, I have nothing against gambling; it’s just not for me. If you’re good at anything else in the world you get promoted and celebrated and financially rewarded. If you’re any good at gambling they kick you out, and post your picture like you’re a Wild West outlaw. I don’t call that fair.

And just about everybody I know who has been to Las Vegas comes limping back saying “I about broke even.” If everyone who says they “about broke even” really broke even the entire industry would be bankrupt.

6:59: Travis Kelce catches a ball for a one-yard gain. CBS does not show Taylor Swift. Question becomes, how many yards does Kelce have to gain before Swift shot kicks in? My guess is 12.

7:20: Last year Tom Brady was hawking crypto, this year it’s gambling. That’s a real sketchy second act to a Hall of Fame career, in my book. But the gambling commercial was followed by an ad for Jesus, so I guess it averages out.

7:32: Finally, a commercial I dig, where everyone grows a mullet. Beth asks why they are growing mullets. I say, who cares because … mullets.

7:40: In the announcer bowl, “This team really flies to the ball” takes a 3-2 lead over “He wasn’t able to break contain.”

7:51: Fourth and 14. Detroit Lions coach would have gone for it.

An interesting thing to do during the Super Bowl is to surf around to see what other networks are showing, understanding no one will be watching. Some of my favorites from Sunday night were “Exposed: Naked Crimes;” “High Arctic Haulers;” “Terror in the Woods” and my favorite, “American Greed — a school supply vendor steals millions from Detroit public schools.”

8:34: Kind of related, I miss the whole halftime show because I got hooked on a “My Cousin Vinny” rerun.

8:50: Didn’t the officials have a little more modern of a term than “horsecollar” tackle?” Seems so 19th century. Who’s the head of the NFL rules committee, Wyatt Earp?

10:05: Overtime. Between the late night, impenetrable pop culture references and commercials I don’t understand, I’m afraid I might be too old to watch the Super Bowl.

Tim Rowland is a Herald-Mail columnist.

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This article originally appeared on The Herald-Mail: Tim Rowland: How super was the Super Bowl really?