My mom knows I'm gay, but she keeps telling me to marry a man and have kids. What can I do?
Question: I’m a 23-year-old female who came out as a lesbian over a year ago, and my mom keeps making offhand comments about my sexuality that bother me. She says she's supportive and that she's not homophobic, but then she keeps telling me to marry a man so I can have kids, then I can go "be gay." She's said it multiple times, and last week even told me that one of our family friends agrees with her. She’s made other comments saying she hates the word "lesbian" and that I shouldn’t "put myself in a box."
My sister told me this afternoon something that finally set me over the edge. I have a podcast and happened to be talking about a hate crime against a young gay man. I talked in the episode about my fears as a gay person. My mom told me to my face that she loved the episode but went to my sister and said she'd prefer I didn't talk about these things in public. My sister is my best friend and she was not intentionally malicious by telling me this. So you could say I'm a bit frustrated. My dad had no idea that she made these comments, but we agreed that I can't confront her because her mental health has been declining since my grandmother entered hospice. She also gets really defensive whenever she is confronted.
MORE: My coworker outed me, and I am horrified. What should I say to her?
So I guess I just don't know how to cope with these feelings. I can't confront her, and I feel like I can't ignore it either. This is all very poor timing as I'm supposed to move into their house this July, so distance isn't an option either. Any advice is appreciated.
Answer: Your question comes at such an important time – Pride Month – and I wanted to ensure it was answered. I don’t identify as part of the LGBTQ community, and so I tapped my friend and colleague, Deison Afualo, who does. Deison even has a podcast with her sister Drew Afualo called Two Idiot Girls where she shares her life experiences, including being queer. I think she will be able to provide great insight, so I will turn it over to her:
"First off, I would like to thank you for being vulnerable and sharing your story. I’m really sorry you have to go through this. This is a struggle that so many queer people have been forced to endure, unfortunately. According to a survey conducted by The Trevor Project in 2021, only 1 in 3 LGBTQ youth found their home to be LGBTQ-affirming. And while you are 23 years old, I’m sure this isn’t the first iteration of your mom exhibiting homophobic behavior and beliefs.
"I feel a lot of people reading your concerns would try to advise you to stand up to your mother or have a really frank conversation with her about respecting your identity, but I don’t feel like that option would be safe, like you mentioned, or really all that successful. It sounds as if she has a lot of demons to face that are forcing her to act like this toward you.
"I advise you to focus more on yourself. Try to give yourself the love and acceptance you crave from your mother. I’m so glad you’re able to lean on your sister and dad, because I know being queer is one thing, but being queer without any sort of support system can be rough. I would allow yourself to fully embrace your queerness, something that I personally have had to work on due to my own internalized homophobia that’s been pushed upon me all throughout my childhood from homophobic external family members, media and church. Do you have a haircut you’ve always wanted to get but haven’t due to fear of what your mom will think? A piercing that you would love to have? An outfit that would make you feel like the most queer-affirming version of you? DO IT.
MORE: My mother-in-law is toxic. Am I wrong for cutting her out of my life?
"I would also like for you to remember the quote 'Not all family is blood.' Now I’m not telling you to cut your mother out, and that seems impossible as your move in is coming up, but rather surround yourself with people who affirm you as the queer person that you are! I would look into your hometown resources for LGBTQ organizations that could allow you to meet people like you. You could also try Bumble BFF, as queer friends are everywhere. Leaning on someone who is struggling with the same familial problems as you can be so helpful. And for all those out there struggling with similar issues, chosen family is just as valid.
"Lastly, I would just allow yourself to grant your mom some grace. She loves you, but she has so much room to grow. But if she doesn’t change, then you deserve to have nothing but love, peace and acceptance in your life. I hope this helps."
Morgan Absher is an occupational therapist in Los Angeles who hosts the podcast "Two Hot Takes," where she and her co-hosts dish out advice. She writes a weekly column, sharing her advice with USA TODAY's readers. Find her on TikTok @twohottakes and YouTube here. You can reach her by email at Mabsher@gannett.com or you can click here to share your story with her.
This article originally appeared on USA TODAY: My mom tells me to marry a man when she knows I'm gay. What can I do?
