My mother-in-law makes awful comments. How can we find peace?

Question: "My husband and I (both 30) have been together for 12 years and married for two. My relationship with my in-laws has always been good – unless you count some snide remarks directed at me when mother-in-law has been drinking.

However, the last few years I feel like I just can't seem to win with my mother-in-law, and it’s taken a toll on me.

For example, before my in-laws moved to Spain, my husband and I were very upfront on multiple occasions about the fact that we support their decision (it’s their lifelong dream), but that we weren’t planning to visit regularly since we’d like to spend our money and free time to see more of the world than just Spain. Keep in mind, they visit us in the Netherlands every other month so we see them quite often. My mother-in-law said she understands, but after my baby shower I had to hear from friends she was complaining that we never visit them because ‘we don’t like to travel’ and act like Spain is ‘on the other side of the world.' Both are not true. And we’ve told her so many times.

My husband supports me and backs me up whenever he can, but he also admits that it’s impossible to get our point across since his mom has such a strong views. Furthermore the ‘digs’ she makes about our parenting are always said when my husband is not around and said in passing. So most of the time I’m caught off-guard and just don’t know how to respond, but it makes me frustrated and sad afterward. When we've tried to confront her about the things she has said, she gets very defensive. Or she adjusts her behavior for a couple days only to fall back into her old ways.

More: The painful truth about toxic mothers-in-law

I really would like to have a relationship with her without having any tension. But if that’s not possible, I would like to be able to let her snide comments and digs fall off my shoulders more easily. At this point it’s adding up and weighing me down. What do I do?"

Answer: "I’m sorry to hear about the struggles you and your husband are having with your mother-in-law. I will say it's so refreshing to hear how united you and your husband are and how well you seem to support each other during these conflicts. Moving forward, continuing to have a united front is the best thing you can do, and if you believe that your mother-in-law’s behavior will likely not change, the best action is to find positive coping strategies when she triggers you.

I highly recommend you and your husband attend therapy together to ensure you stay on the same page and develop tools for combatting her antics. It sounds like your mother-in-law likes to make herself out to be the victim, and she does appear to be extremely self-centered.

I'd have your therapist teach you about gray rocking, a tactic often used with toxic individuals. Gray rocking is a tool where you remain as composed as possible during times of attack and do not offer a response. The attacker, once they realize they're not getting their desired reaction (attention, satisfaction, etc.) will back off and move on to other victims. Or so that's the hope, and if it doesn't work, you may need to enforce harsher boundaries and consequences for her unwanted behaviors.

What is 'gray rocking'? How to set boundaries with the narcissist in your life.

Another tactic that may bring you some peace is giving her the compassion that she doesn't give to you. Now that may sound odd, but just "letting go" could be the best thing for your mental health and wellbeing. Is it possible that your mother-in-law is angry with herself for moving away from the ones she loves most? Perhaps she does not know how to deal with her own regret, so she is projecting her anger onto you. While confrontation may be difficult, it could be time for a family meeting after you establish solid tools with a therapist, to set boundaries regarding her snide remarks and how they won't be tolerated. I've mentioned it in other responses, but the compliment sandwich technique may work well with her so she doesn't feel attacked.

You can’t always reason with everyone, and if she's unwilling to change then enforce those boundaries and use your new found coping techniques.

You got this! Wishing you the best,

Morgan

Morgan Absher is an occupational therapist in Los Angeles who hosts the podcast, "Two Hot Takes" where she and her co-hosts dish out advice. She writes a weekly column, sharing her advice with USA TODAY's readers. Find her on TikTok @twohottakes and YouTube here. You can reach her by email at Mabsher@gannett.com or you can click here to share your story with her.

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This article originally appeared on USA TODAY: Advice column: Mother-in-law causing drama after her move to Spain.