My mother-in-law says I stole her son and treats my daughter like trash. Should I just leave?

Question: "My spouse of eight years is a mama's boy, and his mom is not a nice mom. I’m scared that it finally has gotten to a point where I can’t live with it anymore. We started dating when I already had a child. He stepped into the father role seamlessly, but his mom would always make comments about my child and I needing to stay where we belonged and leave her son alone. Father’s Day when my child would give him gifts she would scoff at us that “this is not her dad”. He might not have provided the genetic material, but he did everything else since he met her without being asked to.

The years went on and the conflict continued. We separated for a while and decided to get back together on the condition that the emotional abuse being given to me and my child would not be tolerated any longer. A while later we got pregnant and his mom was not impressed. At that time, my spouse worked on the road and I had a terrible pregnancy. I could barely make it to work, let alone actually take care of our home and my child, and his mother would not come to support me in any way. She would only come over if he was there. I had to call a co-worker once to help me to the hospital because she refused.

Advice: My wedding is 100 days away and my future in-laws still exclude me from family events. Help!

At 39 weeks, my labor started and continued for days until I went for a cesarean section. My spouse had to leave two weeks after I gave birth, and my mother-in-law still didn't offer support. I don’t have family in the area, so I was alone with two kids and our pets. Things never improved and actually started getting worse especially since my partner had proposed. She tried taking my ring and said I’m stealing what’s hers. She once told me she doesn’t want anyone with her son and my spouse believes this is “a normal single mom thing.” She has no spouse or friends, just her kids that she raised and won’t let go of.

I feel like this is becoming impossible and am considering leaving since my spouse hasn’t put his foot down to stop these behaviors. I gave him an ultimatum of therapy or the relationship needs to end because I’m not fighting someone’s mom the rest of my life. I feel I am in the wrong for giving an ultimatum, though. I’m just hoping that my spouse will create space between his mom and him when she clearly doesn’t respect me or our children. I told him it’s emotional incest and I’m at my wit's end."

Answer: I’m sorry to hear you’re being faced with such a toxic situation. Based on everything you describe, it sounds like your husband is extremely enmeshed with his mother and I don’t think you’re wrong for issuing an ultimatum. I wouldn’t say it’s a "normal single mom thing" to be obsessed with your son to the point you’ll sabotage his relationship. It truly sounds like she raised your husband to be her ideal partner, and now that she can’t reap the rewards she’s becoming a bit unglued. I always recommend couples therapy, as I believe it can be a great tool but, as difficult as it may be, if your partner is unwilling to participate in therapy you may be at a dead end.

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While it’s not his fault his mother has treated you the way she has, it is unacceptable he’s stood for it and given you excuses to justify her behavior. By not establishing boundaries, he has essentially told her it’s OK to treat you like you're "less than." And honestly, “less than” is putting it nicely. His mother has treated you and your first born like pond scum. Not assisting you when you needed emergency medical attention could have put your life as well as your unborn child’s life in jeopardy. I would be interested to hear how your partner justified that, or why he was so OK with his mother’s lack of assistance. Family steps up in times of need, and his mother’s prejudice against you could have caused him to lose you and one of his children.

While he did take on your first born as his own, he still isn't stepping up the way a parent should by protecting her from his mother’s abuse. And some may say that’s an exaggeration and she’s too young to realize, but I do believe denying a child as a part of your family when someone is clearly accepting them as their own is a form of abuse. Children are far more perceptive than we give them credit for, and this is something that could create lifelong trauma.

Advice: Am I wrong for choosing my boyfriend over my toxic family?

I relate to your story, as the man I consider my dad is not my biological father. I’ve also encountered poor treatment from family members who don’t consider me “real” family due to the fact I am not genetically his child. But let me tell you, this is not something my dad has ever let slide, and he is quick to put them in their place. I do hope your husband can see the light and agree to therapy and create some distance from his mother’s negative behavior. However, if he is not able to, just know it is not your fault for recognizing you deserve better and moving forward.

Morgan Absher is an occupational therapist in Los Angeles who hosts the podcast, "Two Hot Takes" where she and her co-hosts dish out advice. She writes a weekly column, sharing her advice with USA TODAY's readers. Find her on TikTok @twohottakes and YouTube here. You can reach her by email at Mabsher@gannett.com or you can click here to share your story with her.

This article originally appeared on USA TODAY: Jealous mother-in-law hates me and my daughter. Should we just leave?