My mother-in-law is toxic: Am I wrong for cutting her out of my life?
Question: “My mother-in-law has never really liked me. I’ve been with her son for about seven years, and we’ve been married for almost a year. We also have a 1-year-old daughter together. Every time my mother-in-law comes over, she makes comments under her breath about me and gives me dirty looks. For example, she’ll comment on how I never cook, how lazy I am, and make rude comments about my weight or clothes. She’s also claimed that I took her son away from her and I’m the reason she never sees him anymore.
After I had my daughter, she started to make comments about my parenting, even shaming me about choosing to give her formula. She would suggest I take on all parenting tasks, like diaper changes, and never her son. My husband never does anything about the comments she makes and will make excuses for her. Recently, I went out dancing with my friends and sister-in-law and posted about it. My mother-in-law saw it and immediately posted, 'and where is your husband?' I told my husband and his response was 'what was wrong with her comment?'
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I have had enough and told my husband that I no longer want to be around her. I don’t care if he spends time with her or if he brings my daughter over to see her, I just don’t want to be present. It’s extremely hurtful to have her make these comments every time I see her and to have my husband sitting next to me and ignoring it. When I bring it up to him, he changes the subject and doesn’t take it seriously. Am I wrong for wanting to cut my mother-in-law out of my life? I just don’t know what to do at this point but I can’t stay in this toxic environment anymore.”
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Answer: "While relationships with in-laws can be challenging sometimes, they become more strenuous when a partner has an unhealthy relationship with one (or both) of their parents. Based on your description, it sounds like your husband could have an enmeshed relationship with his mother. Enmeshment can look different for every family, but it may mean there is an unhealthy amount of closeness, lack of boundaries, undying loyalty, reflexive defensiveness for the abuser, or guilt trips to maintain control. Your mother-in-law's comment about how you took him away really accentuates her unhealthy view of her son, as it shows she sees you as competition. You are not wrong for wanting to cut her out of your life, however, I don’t think it will solve your problems.
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Enmeshment can be very challenging to deal with, and if this is your husband’s case only he can be the one to address it. This may be difficult for him to even recognize as an unhealthy relationship, especially if he’s been dealing with this dynamic his whole life. I would highly recommend therapy, both individual and couples if it's within your means. A therapist may be able to help your husband see what healthy relationships look like, determine if his is unhealthy, and learn how to create and uphold boundaries. The reality is even if you cut your mother-in-law off, she may reinsert herself in your life and ensure you don’t have the supportive, healthy partnership you deserve.
All you can do is try to set your husband on the right path, but forcing any drastic change or issuing ultimatums could damage your relationship. Keep doing what you’re doing and try to distance yourself for your own mental health.
Wishing you the best of luck, and I hope this helped provide some insight,
Morgan
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Morgan Absher is an occupational therapist in Los Angeles who hosts the podcast, "Two Hot Takes" where she and her co-hosts dish out advice. She writes a weekly column, sharing her advice with USA TODAY's readers. Find her on TikTok @twohottakes and YouTube here. You can reach her by email at Mabsher@gannett.com or you can click here to share your story with her.
This article originally appeared on USA TODAY: Mother-in-law problems: She's toxic. Can I cut her out of my life?
