Nancy Snow: Why the 'fat, relentless ego' is at the heart of incivility
What causes people to be uncivil? Presumably, many factors contribute. Three spring immediately to mind: malice, frustration and not knowing how to disagree respectfully. All can be linked to personal insecurities.
Consider malice. Some people hate others, and don’t mind showing it. Often this is expressed as simple rudeness, but sometimes haters go out of their way to make life unpleasant for others. Their motto seems to be, “Why be nice if you can be nasty?” Malicious people are deeply unhappy. Somewhere along the line, something has gone wrong in their lives. They have become embittered, perhaps because of some accolade they failed to get, or something bad that happened to them with which they haven’t come to grips.
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At the root of such problems lies what the philosopher Iris Murdoch called the "fat, relentless ego." The embittered person whose talent isn’t recognized could think too highly of herself. The bad thing that happened ― losing a job or going through a divorce, for example ― could be due to her own failings, which she can’t or won’t admit. Instead of keeping their unhappiness to themselves, such people foist it off on others by being uncivil. This diagnosis can apply to racists, sexists and homophobes. Haters see themselves as superior, and can’t stand it when members of the groups they hate do well, or lobby for their rights. In reality, the haters themselves are flawed. A possible remedy for this cause of incivility is taking a good, hard look at oneself, owning one’s flaws, and trying to do better. This can include efforts to eradicate or at least address racist, sexist and homophobic tendencies.
Frustration also can make people uncivil. We live in a stressful society. Sometimes pressures become too much, and people explode in angry episodes, lashing out in uncivil words and deeds. They “take it out” on others, not understanding or caring that others often experience the same challenges. Possible antidotes are taking steps to reduce stress and cultivating patience.
Finally, some people simply do not know how to disagree in constructive, respectful ways. They are deeply threatened by disagreement. Perhaps they can’t think fast enough “on their feet” or don’t know how to respond with compelling reasons to another’s view. Instead of engaging in respectful dialogue, they resort to name-calling and other dismissive speech or behavior. Some seek to impose their beliefs on others, and brook no disagreement at all. The latter think they know “the truth,” and are not willing to hear others to see if consensus or compromise can be reached.
Personal insecurities can lurk at the heart of many of these issues. If people think they cannot argue well, or cling too tightly to their views, they will not be open-minded enough to listen to what others are saying. If they are afraid of change, they will not want to open the door to principled disagreement. If they are in error and unwilling to face facts and be corrected, they will hide behind incivility as a way of protecting their egos and “saving face.”
Incivility is a form of attacking behavior. It is used in lieu of better ways of engaging with others. When faced with incivility, one should ask oneself whether the cause is malice, frustration, lack of knowledge, or a mix of all three. Differing insecurities connect with each cause, but the "fat, relentless ego" is at the heart of incivility.
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Nancy E. Snow is professor of philosophy at the University of Kansas. She formerly was a philosophy professor at the University of Oklahoma and director of the Institute for the Study of Human Flourishing.
This article originally appeared on Oklahoman: Why might someone become uncivil? Let's examine causes of incivility.
