Can narcissists change? We talked to diagnosed narcissists who claim they have

As a diagnosed narcissist, Ben Taylor claims to have done what many psychologists consider impossible: He changed.

Throughout his life, Taylor love-bombed, discarded and hoovered numerous romantic partners. He thought getting married would fix these toxic tendencies, yet he continued to lie, manipulate and cheat on his wife for eight years. Even when she rightfully accused him of infidelity, he gaslit her into believing she was "crazy" – all while maintaining a charming persona in front of co-workers and friends.

"I think you're a narcissist," his wife told him after an argument.

In response, Taylor instinctively deflected blame from himself. But the more he looked into it, the more he resonated with the grandiosity, entitlement, and excessive need for validation. For much of his life, he did what he wanted without taking accountability or considering others, and his concerns were officially confirmed with a Narcissistic Personality Disorder diagnosis.

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"I was always telling myself and others that I am a good person. But the thing is, I wasn't living or acting that way," Taylor, 34, says. "If I wanted to keep living in this cycle of being mentally and emotionally abusive… I had to be able to change something. I had to be willing to change."

Taylor's story, while hopeful, is exceptionally rare. Like most personality disorders, Narcissistic Personality Disorder is not curable, and those who manage the disorder may relapse into harmful behaviors if they abandon therapy. Most narcissists are also unlikely to change because they lack the empathy and humility to look inward. But it's possible for some diagnosed narcissists to defy the odds and "change."

How?

USA TODAY spoke to two diagnosed and "self-aware" narcissists to answer your questions:

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Most narcissists are incapable of self-reflection. So when is change possible?

In order for there to be change, there has to be a desire to change.

Unlike depression or anxiety which typically cause distress, the vast majority of narcissists are not uncomfortable with their way of living. In fact, they often thrive off deception and believe others are to blame for their issues.

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But Lee Hammock, another recovering narcissist who has been in therapy since 2017, is one of few who felt discomfort. Even though his feigned charisma got him far, he was unhappy behind this facade and felt like "an alien amongst human beings," which served as his catalyst for change.

"I had 'friends' because I acted just like them. I mirrored them and they were like, 'You're so cool.' But really, I felt out of place, like I was fake. Like I was not a real person."

Ramani Durvasula, a clinical psychologist specializing in the impact of narcissism on relationships, says there are some "unicorns" who "are willing to do mindful work and recognize why empathy matters, why respect matters, why compassion matters." But it starts with self-reflection and self-awareness. If narcissists can acknowledge they are the ones with the problem, they can change some of their worst behaviors with hard work and a trained therapist.

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There's no cure for Narcissistic Personality Disorder. But there are effective treatment options.

It is important to note that there is a difference between narcissism and Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Not all people with narcissistic personality traits are diagnosed with the disorder, and some may merely be self-absorbed while being able to show empathy.

There is no treatment that will rid a person of Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Appropriate therapy, however, can help diagnosed narcissists learn tools to reduce harmful behaviors while increasing their compassion and self-awareness.

For Hammock, psychotherapy enabled him to reframe his core, narcissistic beliefs that were hurting those around him – specifically, his instinct to "control everyone." Sometimes the origin of one's narcissism can stem from traumatic childhood history, like neglectful or emotionally unavailable parenting. That's why experts may recommend trauma-informed treatments like eye movement desensitization and reprocessing therapy.

"Going to EMDR therapy for about six months actually helped to clear some childhood and teenage emotional trauma that I didn't even know I had," Taylor says, pointing to his "over-controlling" parents who discouraged him from expressing emotional vulnerability at a young age.

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Another common approach is dialectical behavior therapy, which can be especially helpful for narcissists who are bad at managing emotions when things aren't going their way. According to Durvasula, dialectical behavior therapy works by teaching patients "healthier ways to express emotions and to be in the moment."

But regardless of which therapy is best for each person, successful treatment and change require "a willingness to play the long game."

"Narcissism is a personality style. It's difficult for anyone to change a whole personality," Durvasula says. "You're going to need longer-term therapy with a professional who actually understands it. Understanding this personality style is only half the battle."

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"Change" does not mean  narcissism will go away completely. Because it is a personality disorder, it's almost impossible to get rid of one's natural mannerisms.

However, narcissists can learn to ignore these toxic or abusive patterns and manage them in a healthier way.

"My first thought is always the narcissistic thought: to lie. To deceive," Hammock admits. "But now I can counteract those thoughts by saying, 'This isn't right. Just do the right thing.' and so I do the right thing, even though it's not my first thought."

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Some may question whether this is "real self-improvement." Durvasula says "if a narcissistic person can sense that the anger is coming up and they're going to lash out in an unempathetic way, but they instead say, 'I need to step away'…I take that as incredible progress."

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Both Hammock and Taylor made themselves uniquely vulnerable to public scrutiny by sharing their past experiences and current journeys not only with their loved ones but also with hundreds of thousands of followers on TikTok.

"If I'm going to change my life, I had to first and foremost be real with myself, my wife, my daughter, my friends, my family. But I didn't want to just limit it there. I wanted to go out and be real to everyone and say, 'This is what I struggle with. This is what's out there,'" Taylor says.

It seems noble, but experts like Durvasula fear social media attention can glorify a recovering narcissist, making it more difficult for them to accept responsibility.

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When asked about this concern, Hammock says he's heard similar criticisms. However, he clarifies that he now uses his need for attention, or "narcissistic supply," in a more positive way: to spread awareness about the inner workings of a narcissist.

"I get validation from being the reason that other people feel good about themselves, like going to therapy or by helping survivors and victims of narcissistic abuse realize what they're dealing with when it comes to dating a narcissist," Hammock says. "I help them know how the manipulation and gaslighting works, and reassure that they're not crazy."

These two narcissists 'changed.' Should I have hope for the narcissist in my life?

The short answer is no.

The unfortunate reality is that it is incredibly difficult for narcissists to seek therapy because the greatest barrier to a narcissist's recovery tends to be their own narcissism, according to Durvasula.

"A lot of people look at my (TikTok) page and get hope that the narcissist who is treating them badly will someday acknowledge it and change. But it's extremely rare for them to go to therapy," Hammock says.

"But I don't want people to stay in a toxic relationship because I got help, or because they think if they stay longer, they will change. I'm not trying to give hope to the wrong people."

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This article originally appeared on USA TODAY: Diagnosed narcissists reveal their path to self-improvement