Narcissists wreak havoc on their parents' lives. But cutting them off can feel impossible.
Every good parent wants their child to grow up into a well-adjusted adult.
So it can be especially heartbreaking if their kid grows into a narcissist.
Experts say being a parent to an adult narcissist is a particularly difficult experience, one that leaves people racked with guilt over what they could have done differently and burdened with the decision of whether to cut off contact with their own toxic children.
"Having an adult narcissistic child is most parents' nightmare," says Chelsey Cole, a psychotherapist and author of "If Only I'd Known: How to Outsmart Narcissists, Set Guilt-Free Boundaries, and Create Unshakeable Self-Worth." "If your adult child is a narcissist, it's like your child never grows up. They're stuck in perpetual adolescence."
What is being a parent to a narcissist like?
Narcissists, by and large, are made not born − which is why parents of adult narcissists can feel particularly guilty. Many wonder if they contributed to the development of their child's personality and if there's anything they could have done differently to change the person their child grew up to become.
As a result, many parents of narcissists grapple with anxiety, depression, grief and "almost an obsessive amount of guilt and rumination," Cole says.
"A lot of the parents I work with who have adult narcissistic children will say, 'If this was anyone else, I would've cut ties a long time ago, even if this was a spouse or if this was a friend or if this was another family member,' " she adds. "But they wonder, 'How am I supposed to cut ties with my own child?' "
Stephanie Sarkis, a psychotherapist and author of "Healing from Toxic Relationships: 10 Essential Steps to Recover from Gaslighting, Narcissism, and Emotional Abuse," says it's important for parents to remember that, even though narcissists don't choose their personalities, they are still responsible for their actions.
"As adults, we're always responsible for our own behavior," she says. "There may be reasons for it, but we are all responsible for our own behavior."
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The abuse parents suffer at the hands of narcissistic children can be serious, including financial exploitation and smear campaigns. Narcissists lack empathy and have no qualms about taking advantage of others, even their own parents.
Narcissists will take their parents' belongings, such as a car, without asking, and live off their parents finances well into adulthood. Narcissists will also use their own children as pawns to manipulate their parents into doing what they want by threatening to take away contact with their grandchildren.
"I do see sometimes where parents are going into their life savings, like their retirement, to help pay the living expenses of a child that otherwise should be able to live independently but are choosing not to," Sarkis says. "They feel entitled to the parents paying for their lives."
Parents of narcissists can also feel anger toward other family members, such as co-parents, or anyone else whom they blame for causing their child to turn out the way they did.
"There's a deep sense of grief over what you thought your relationship with your child would be like from what it turned out to be or what it's going to be," Sarkis says. "They may get angry toward a family member that they feel has possibly influenced that child into that personality."
Narcissists are terrible parents. Experts say raising kids with one can feel impossible.
My child is a narcissist. What should I do?
If you're the parent of a narcissist, here's some expert advice:
Seek therapy: "You need to get in therapy or coaching from someone trained in dealing with narcissistic abuse," Cole says. "There are a lot of treatment models out there for family therapy, and, if you don't work with someone who understands antagonistic personalities, you will likely end up feeling worse."
Set boundaries with your child: "Don't allow your child to endlessly berate you, blame you, bring up every mistake from the past over and over and over again," Cole says. "You shouldn't be anyone's punching bag, even if it's your own child."
Invest in healthy relationships: "I've also encouraged people to consider volunteering or working with kids so you can still play that parental role," Cole says. "That might look like volunteering for Boys & Girls Club (of America), getting involved in your church, finding something in your community, babysitting other people's kids or being a mentor to a young adult."
Let yourself grieve: "You have to grieve the fact that you can't have a relationship with your adult child like you hoped for," Cole says. "Even thinking about their childhood can bring up grief, because you replay scenarios of what could have went wrong."
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This article originally appeared on USA TODAY: Narcissists take advantage of their parents. Should they be cut off?
