What Netflix might look under Harry and Meghan
We’ve all been there: settling in for a night of TV, switching on Netflix, scrolling through the many thousands of films and shows on offer, and then deciding that, somehow, none takes your fancy.
It is an issue so universal that even celebrated people-of-the people, the Duke and Duchess of Sussex, face it – only while most of us solve the problem by arguing with our household for an hour, the Sussexes have taken a more direct approach: signing a £112 million contract to produce their own work for the streaming service.
So what might a Harry and Meghan-produced Netflix look like?
The Crown series 7,8,9,10....
Peter Morgan has insisted The Crown will end after series six, bringing events up to the early noughties, but that doesn’t mean the Sussexes can’t pick it up from there. Written by Finding Freedom authors Omid Scobie and Carolyn Durand, the extra series will see Meghan Markle cast as Meghan Markle, George Clooney as Prince Harry (wig budget to be discussed), and the rest of the family played by a group of nobodies, each hand-picked to be maximal unlikeable.
After two seasons of history-bending puffery, the show will enter the realm of science fiction. Charles abdicates, calling the whole ruling business ‘an anticlimax’. The Cambridges are then caught ina career ending scandal (Kate is caught on a lip-read at the Royal Variety Show calling a school choir screeching little…’), so decide to move to Russia.
With a constitutional crisis brewing, the Sussexes rush back from LA to save the monarchy. The show runs and runs.
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Montecito
A fly-on-the-wall documentary following the Duke on his quest to avoid boredom in his new Californian life. He starts by taking up pottery, hates it, then moves through banana-bread baking, libel trials, anonymous sourcefeeding, macramé – until he finds something to do.
Selling Sussex
Simple, really: Meghan and four of her more employment-seeking friends, like Misha Nonoo and Jessica Mulroney (Amal Clooney and Serena Williams are asked, but politely run a mile), take jobs at Savills in Sussex, then compete to sell properties in the county. Just as in Selling Sunset, producers spice things up by introducing veterans into the mix.
Phil and Kirstie from Location, Location, Location are first to appear, then Nicki Chapman from Escape to the Country, then Dion Dublin from Homes Under the Hammer, then the grandaddy of them all, Kevin McCloud. Things get ugly when Kirstie, Meghan and Kevin get into a vicious catfight outside a desirable newbuild off Uckfield.
Tiger Prince
A spin-off from Tiger King, obviously, in which Joe Exotic (Trump pardons him) trains Harry to be his heir. Ever the sport grows a mullet and handlebar moustache, wears chaps but draws the line at the Prince Albert, and is a natural with the animals.
‘You know, Joe, I thought this would be like entering a whole new world,’ Harry says in one touching scene, as he orders a box of scorpions to be sent to Carole Baskin, ‘but a group of completely unrelatable characters who live in compounds surrounded by animals and weapons, suspicious familial deaths, a churning rumour mill, tax arrangements no one can quite understand… Oh, never mind.’
Queer Eye, Windsor Special
The Fab 5 give each of the Windsor men a ‘glow up’. This means getting William to wear anything other than desert boots on off-duty days; teaching Charles that single breasted suits exist; instilling the confidence in Edward to just shave his head and have done with it; coaching Andrew to woo Fergie back ('but first, girlfriend, you need a new hydration routine if you don't perspire'; and renovating Philip’s wing of Windsor castle so it has more scatter cushions and fewer touches of toxic masculinity.
Becoming
A shot-for-shot remake of Michelle Obama’s documentary, only about Meghan, obviously.
