This Is A Sign Your Marriage Needs Some Extra TLC Right Now
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Look, you’ve all seen the stats: The chances of ending up in a lasting marriage are essentially based on a coin toss. But sometimes, recognizing that your marriage has gone from heart eyes to anger—or worse, indifference—can be tough to spot.
That said, unhappy marriages are pretty common, says Marni Feuerman, PsyD, a marriage therapist in Boca Raton and author of Ghosted and Breadcrumbed: Stop Falling for Unavailable Men and Get Smart About Healthy Relationships.
In many cases, marriages suffer from communication issues that one partner recognizes and the other refuses to acknowledge, says Feuerman. This might happen because one person’s life goals have shifted, or they feel like their concerns are never taken seriously. In other cases, both partners find themselves trapped in unhealthy patterns (constant bickering, for example) and detach because they’re just too exhausted.
Fear not, though: Finding yourself in an unhappy marriage doesn’t mean it has to be the end. If both people are willing to show up, talk it out, and work on their relationship, there could be hope. "Sometimes marriages go through a tough time—and that’s fine, everyone does," says Tracy Ross, LCSW, a couples and family therapist in New York. "But are you trying to address it, and, even if you’re not successful in the beginning, are both people showing up for that conversation?"
That mutual desire to fix the marriage is key, and sometimes, it takes an expert to uncover the cracks. Whatever the outcome, by pinpointing the exact tensions in your marriage, you’ll have an opportunity to find happiness with your spouse, with someone new, or on your own. The tricky part is figuring out whether you’re simply going through a marital rough patch, or if you’re actually in an unhappy marriage. Luckily, these are the 22 expert-informed signs to help you figure that out:
1. You’re not banging because you're not connecting.
First off, if you’re having less sex than you once were, there’s no need to panic. “Variations in sexual frequency are normal through different relationship stages,” says Carolina Pataky, LMFT, a sex therapist and founder of South Florida's Love Discovery Institute. After all, the amount of sex you can (or want) to have is going to be different when you're pre-kids than when you’re bed-sharing, or when you’re wiped from work versus on sabbatical.
But concerns arise when there’s been a significant decrease in sexual activity that is resulting specifically from emotional disconnection, she says. “It becomes a potential sign of an unhappy marriage when coupled with communication breakdown, emotional distance, or unresolved resentments,” she says.
It's important to differentiate between sexless (or lower sex) marriages, marked by avoidance and unresolved issues, and healthy sexless marriages, where both partners communicate openly, understand each other's needs, and maintain emotional closeness despite a lack of or lower frequency of sexual activity, she says.
2. You’re on opposite sides of the ‘I want sex’ spectrum and can’t talk about it.
To be very clear: it is possible for people with different interests in sex to be in a happy marriage! There are many lower libido and high libido folks, as well as asexual folks and allosexual folks, who are in happy, lasting unions.
“Couples that struggle with navigating different libidos need to be able to open up and talk about these differences,” says Shannon Chavez Qureshiz, PsyD, CST, a licensed psychologist and sex therapist based in Beverly Hills. There's a good chance that the person who craves sex more is feeling rejected and unwanted, or that the person who craves sex less (or not at all) is feeling like their partner only loves them for their body, she says. Communication is what helps remind both partners what is true—as opposed to what their fears tell them, she says.
“Addressing these different interests [and] concerns together in partnership, without blaming or setting unrealistic expectations for one another, is key,” she says. If you cannot talk about it (or cannot talk about it without turning into a fight), that’s when it becomes an issue.
3. Sex is your only form of intimacy.
Yes, sex is one form of intimacy—but it’s not the only form. There is also intellectual, romantic, spiritual, and experiential intimacy, to name just a few.
“It's crucial to understand that while a high frequency of sexual activity can contribute positively to a couple's connection, an excessive focus on sex may signal an attempt to compensate for other relational shortcomings,” says Pataky.
If the bedroom is the only place where you feel intimately connected with your partner, she says, it may be a sign that you’re using sex as a temporary escape for relationship shortcomings rather than a holistic expression of intimacy, she says.
Here, you’d be rewarded by investing in, exploring, and nurturing your emotional, intellectual, and communicative connections alongside your sexual ones, she says. Some suggestions: Go on a monthly exhibit date to a different museum in your city, sign up for a pottery or painting class together, or invest and play some table topics for your next date night.
4. You keep threatening divorce.
Does every argument, disagreement, or miscommunication end with one of you threatening to call the divorce attorney? That’s a problem, according to Pataky.
Using divorce as a trump card is often an unhealthy cry or an attempt to communicate that your needs are being seriously unmet, she says. Here, it would be more effective to share that you are hurting, name what needs are not being met, and ask for exactly what you need. An individual therapist can help give you the language to name those concerns, she says, while a couples counselor can help translate the partners to one another.
If you are threatening divorce because you are truly at the point of thinking you may need to leave the relationship, it’s still not best to threaten divorce, says licensed mental health counselor Alana Carvalho, LMHC, a therapist and host of The Copdendent Perfectionist Podcast. “Instead, you want to be honest with your partner that certain things in the relationship need to change or get addressed or that the relationship ending is a possible next step for you,” she says.
For instance, if your partner refuses couples counseling or attempts to actively work on the issues in a relationship, it may be appropriate to put a boundary in place and share that divorce may be a reality if they’re not willing to work on the issues impacting the relationship, she says.
5. You have divorce fantasies.
Just because you’re not threatening divorce or naming divorce as a potential option to your partner, doesn’t mean your pre-occupation with divorce is healthy. “Entertaining fantasies about divorce can also be a significant issue in a marriage,” says Pataky. This can often signal that there has been an accumulation of resentments throughout the relationship that have built up and up and up (likely due to lack of communication), she says.
Daydreams and other fantasies where you are married to someone else are also a sign that your relationship needs the plug pulled, or some defibrillation, ASAP. Sure, imagining you’re married to someone else or single isn’t always something to worry about. But if the fantasy has become regular, it’s time to take inventory of your love life.
Sometimes these fantasies reflect an individual's frustration with the current state of the relationship, typically due to an individual’s inability (or unwillingness) to express their feelings and needs constructively, explains Pataky. Here, the fantasy partner represents who the current spouse might be, if the unhappy individual just asked for what they needed.
In other cases, these fantasies suggest that you’re okay with the idea of a life sans spouse—and if you’re okay with the idea of a life sans your spouse, you probably don’t actually want a life with them.
6. You keep fantasizing about cheating.
When you get married, you put on a ring, not blinders. So, it’s totally normal to continue to find other people attractive emotionally or physically—even if you and your partner are in a monogamous relationship.
Still, if you’re having recurring thoughts about emotionally and/or physically breaking boundaries (read: cheating) on your spouse, you're pulling away from your marriage, says Feuerman. In these instances, there is something missing from your marriage that you're searching for in other people. Pin-pointing exactly what is MIA from your marriage and addressing it is essential here to keep your fantasies from turning into real-world cheating.
7. One of you actually cheated.
Just ask Esther Perel: An affair doesn’t have to mean the end of a relationship! (If this reference is above your head, consider reading up on her book The State of Affairs.)
However, if one of you is still harboring feelings of resentment post-affair, you may have some work to do. Pain from unhealed wounds (like infidelity) can manifest themselves in a number of ways, including guilting your partner for something you said you’d forgiven them for and struggling to trust them, says Feuerman.
While you don't need to forget that an infidelity ever happened, you do need to move past it in such a way that it doesn’t color every interaction you have moving forward, she says. If you and your spouse can’t seem to move past it after giving it your best shot, you might have to just admit you’re unhappy and discuss getting outside help, taking time apart, or separating altogether.
8. They're keeping secrets.
Have a hunch your partner has a relationship (with something else, or someone else) on the side? Many spouses' guts start to tingle when their partner stops offering details about their day, or when their stories about where they’ve been aren’t adding up.
A spouse being vague in order to cover up an affair, addiction, or substance abuse struggle is a very common relationship stressor that, if not addressed, might push you and your partner toward splitsville, says Feuerman.
Your move here is going to depend on exactly what your partner is hiding (if anything). If, for example, they are hiding a dependence on opioids, booze, or porn, you’re likely going to require a different type of intervention than if they are banging their assistant. But regardless, therapy can be a helpful starting point. An individual therapist can help you come up with a plan for addressing the issue or intervening on your own terms. Meanwhile, a couples therapist can help you translate your grievances to your partners, as well as help you come up with a plan as a team.
9. They're no longer your confidant.
Who do you text deets about the career-changing project you’ve just been assigned at work? Who do you call to gush about the heart-opening chat you just had with your sibling? If the answer is not your beau, that could be a red flag.
No doubt, relationships need some transparency to last. And you can definitely keep certain things private in your life, says Feuerman. But if you’re not sharing Big Life Events and Intel with your partner, and find yourself offering up more details to your acquaintances or co-workers than your beau, you might have some issues to work out.
In some instances, the lack of sharing happens because you haven’t historically (or recently) felt heard or embraced by your partner. In other instances, it could be because you feel more excited to talk to other people. These situations and others are fixable, but will require work, she says—whether that means a couples therapist, or some big conversations about how you communicate.
10. You feel neglected.
Quick: List some adjectives that describe how you’re feeling about your current sitch. If you’re feeling lonely, hurt, neglected, or some other not-so-ideal-feeling, Feuerman suggests leaning into that. No, not wallowing, but interrogating where those feelings are coming from.
By digging deeper, she says, you’ll be able to identify what’s making you feel abandoned by your partner. Maybe it’s their endless stories about how great their new gym buddy is, or the fact that they routinely dedicate all their time, attention, and physical touch to your kids, leaving you in the dust.
Once you pinpoint the source of these feelings, you’ll be better able to explain to your partner exactly what you're feeling. Plus, ideally, you can share why their actions are leading you to feel especially vulnerable. If you and your partner have a weekly or monthly relationship check-in on the Google calendar, that’s a great time to bring this up. Otherwise, let your partner know you’d love to have a heart-to-heart.
After all is said and aired out, you’ll have a good inkling as to what you need to do about the relationship as a whole. For instance, if your partner makes it clear that they had no idea that you felt that way and commits in words and actions to edit their behavior moving forward, that’s positive intel. Meanwhile, if your partner tells you outright that they are distancing themselves from the marriage on purpose, well, that's a useful piece of intel. Ditto goes, if your partner doesn’t see a problem with the fact that you’re feeling lonely, that’s useful, too.
Once you have time to sit with their response, you’ll know whether you want to give them time or edit their behavior, bring in third-party help, or call it quits.
11. Everything they do gets under your skin.
Does the sound of your partner’s chewing make the hairs on your body stand on end? Are you wondering about whether they've always spoken into the phone so loudly? Or if they've always taken those ridiculously long showers?
When the little things start feeling like big ol’ annoyances, there’s a chance the way you see your spouse is starting to shift, says Feuerman. In these cases, she explains, "there’s always something deeper and more individualized going on." Meaning: This is a you problem.
This is where one-on-one sessions that supplement couples counseling can really make a difference. Perhaps you’re feeling taken for granted; maybe they’ve taken on more at work and you’re missing them. Whatever it is, without shaming your spouse in front of your therapist, you can use a personal session to get to the bottom of why you’re suddenly rolling your eyes at their every move.
12. They're interested in opening up the relationship as a cure-all.
Non-monogamous marriages—that’s marriages wherein the partners have consented to interact romantically, intimately, and/or sexually with individuals outside of the marriage—can work, and work well. “An open marriage can be fulfilling for both partners,” says Chavez. So long as here is proper and sound communication therein, she says.
Thing is: Whether it’s in the form of kids or additional partners, adding people to a relationship that is already floundering is not going to fix the underlying issues of the relationship. That’s why Carvalho says it can be a concern if your partner thinks opening the relationship is going to fix everything. “It won’t,” she says.
“Opening up a relationship without actually addressing any issues in the relationship is not a good basis for opening the relationship,” she says. If, for example, sex is an issue in your relationship, it is better off addressing this issue before opening up the relationship. So, if your partner is dead-set on opening up your arrangement, but won’t put the work into addressing foundational issues, that’s a red flag.
13. You have different relationship structure wants or needs.
Ever heard of a mono-poly (or mono-polyam) relationship? That’s a relationship wherein a person who is monogamous is actively agreeing to be in a relationship with a person who is polyamorous. It may not be common, but it is a type of relationship structure that can work, and work well—so long as all parties involved are on the same page!
However, not all folks who are monogamous want to be in a relationship with someone who is non-monogamous (or would prefer a non-monogamous relationship structure). And not all people who are polyamorous want to be in a relationship with someone who isn’t also polyamorous. That is A-okay, but it may mean it’s time for a split.
“It is important for everyone to engage in honest and transparent conversations about their needs when considering non-monogamy,” says Pataky.“Establishing clear boundaries and ensuring that both partners are on the same page are crucial steps before navigating the complexities of mono-poly relationships.”
If you have different relationship structure wants or needs, you’ll need to prioritize “careful consideration and continuous communication to create a shared understanding and a foundation for healthy exploration within the relationship,” she says.
14. You minimize each other's concerns.
Anyone who has ever lived in a city knows that just because there are people around, doesn’t mean you never feel lonely.
“Some moments of loneliness are part of being human,” says Carvalho. But if you always feel like you are alone in the relationship, this is often a sign that there is some emotional disconnect that’s happening, she says.
In these instances, it can be helpful to differentiate between time together and quality time together, to introduce a monthly (or weekly!) date night, or start eating dinner at the table (rather than in front of the TV). All of these things, she says, can help you both feel more in the moment, as opposed to in your small devices.
But also: Be sure to check in on your own well-being before blaming the relationship, suggests Chavez. “Feelings of loneliness can come from our own mental health, too,” she says. “Self-esteem issues, health concerns, job dissatisfaction, and our own daily habits that have nothing to do with our partner can lead to loneliness, too.”
16. The fun's gone.
Laughter, as they say, is the best medicine. When the ha-ha-has are MIA, you lose access to that much-needed salve, says Feuerman. With all the run-of-the-mill disagreements and compromises that come with marriage, it’s important for couples to find the lightness when things get heavy. “Laughter is a great healer," she says.
If you and your partner can no longer joke and laugh things off, it means the two of you are in a negative rut that you might need help getting out of.
17. Most of your conversations turn into arguments...
This one’s a little more obvious, but Feuerman says spouses tend to downplay arguments and disagreements as "normal couple happenings" when, in fact, they’re important signals indicating you and your partner don’t want the same things out of life.
Instead of minimizing your spats as common reactions, consider what you’re arguing about, whether you’re picking fights to cover up your hurt, and how often you have the same arguments. You might find that you and your spouse are simply going through what you think are the healthy motions of marriage when you actually just might not be a good fit for each other anymore.
18....Or you don't even argue at all anymore.
Ross calls these "the cold fights," which can feel worse than having verbal arguments. This can manifest in different ways: You or your spouse are pushing down feelings, you're withdrawn and turning inward, and/or you don't bring up aspects of the relationship that are bothering you. Sure, a lot of fighting is worrisome, but no fighting at all? That means the two of you don’t think there’s anything left worth fighting for in your relationship.
The fix is for you and your partner to come up with a different method for conflict resolution, such as writing down your feelings so you can better articulate them to your partner instead of stewing in anger or indifference. When you decide on a method that works best, go back to your spouse and try to hear them out one last time (note: with an open mind!), say what you have to say, and then try to come up with a resolution together. If that doesn’t work, take your problems to a professional who can help you work through it.
19. You can't handle commitment.
Though you might have thought it was at first, commitment might not be for you. It’s common in unhappy marriages for one person to feel like they’re missing out on life because they’re "tied down" to someone or feel like they were rushed and pressured into marriage before they were ready.
Feuerman often works with clients who get married because they didn’t want to be alone, and others who do it because they felt like they had to by a certain age and later realize marriage doesn’t actually align with their values.
If this sounds like you, tell your partner how you’re feeling and do what you need to in order to feel happy. That can mean divorce, separation, an open marriage, polyamory… you have options! You just have to find what’s right for you.
20. You feel like you're under a microscope.
Sure, there’s no avoiding a little feedback from your spouse every now and again, but if nonstop criticism about how you organize the pantry leaves you feeling like you can’t do anything right, there’s a good chance your marriage is lacking some very crucial TLC.
"Marriage, partnerships, relationships are about being accepted for who you are," says Feuerman. So, when that stops happening, you’ve got trouble.
21. They're always on the defensive...
A soccer game may need a defense, but a marriage does not. If your partner is treating the issues you present to them like a ball that needs to be kicked to center field, that’s tough. After all, it’s hard to trouble-shoot issues if your partner’s denial is acting as a road-block.
A successful marriage calls for compromise, shutting up to listen, and making a sincere effort to see things from your partner’s point of view, explains Pataky. If your spouse doesn’t feel for you when you’re hurting and refuses to get help to improve your relationship when you express how that affects you, that may be a non-starter.
In these instances, it can be helpful to name that your partner responds defensively when you bring up issues in your relationship. For instance: “I want to be clear that I love you and I want to be with you. And also, I’m having a hard time feeling heard when I bring tension points to you. Is there anything I can do to help you feel safe enough to really listen to me?” Or, it can be helpful to bring them up in front of a third-party counselor who might be able to translate your grievances kindly.
22....Or they don't recognize there's a problem at all.
"There’s no getting back on track in a marriage if both people don’t want to face their issues head-on," Feuerman says. So, if your spouse doesn't see anything that needs repair in your marriage, there's a slim chance you'll be able to get back on track considering only one of you thinks you've derailed.
Can you revive an unhappy marriage?
The short answer: Yes. But just because you can resuscitate a marriage on life support doesn’t mean you have to.
To figure out if you want to revive your marriage, you need to do a little (er, a lot) of introspection, explains Ross. “You can’t tell someone 'You need to change A, B, C, and D,' because it honestly just doesn’t work. You have to be willing to look at yourself," Ross says. "It’s really about turning the lens around onto yourself and not onto your partner.”
To start, Ross suggests chewing through the following tough questions:
Do I love the person?
Can I listen to them?
Am I willing to have some uncomfortable conversations?
Can I be vulnerable, even just a little bit?
You also have to address the elephant in the room: Do you actually still want to be married to this person?
If you answer "yes" to all of these questions, then it’s time to make sure your spouse is on the same page. "If both people are willing to look at it, work at it, and take responsibility for it, then it’s probably a marriage worth saving," Ross says.
As for actually saving the marriage, and transforming it into something that feels good for everyone? Well, that’s going to take a combination of self-work and joint work, she says. Indeed, marriage isn't an activity for the lazy. Exactly what saving your marriage looks like will vary couple-to-couple, but the experts have some tips:
Be intentional about making time for each other. "When you have that time together, you want to really practice being curious about each other. It’s not assuming you know everything about what that person is thinking, doing, or feeling," Ross says. This doesn’t have to take up a lot of time. Maybe pencil five-minute check-ins with your spouse into your schedule throughout the day. "When you do that, you don’t feel lonely," she explains.
Have fun with each other. And Ross really means fun. Don’t try to turn errands into your fun time. Make it light, fun, or even pleasurable. Ross tells her clients to do something just because your partner wants to do it. Start there, and see where it takes you.
Keep the conversations going. There is no quick fix for saving a marriage. “No issues are going to be resolved in one conversation,” says Chavez. She suggests starting to have consistent, ongoing dialogue about relationship needs, wants, and concerns, so that you can both work to actively shape the relationship into something you want.
What if it is really time to end my marriage?
Now, with all of that being said, it is okay if you do not want to save your marriage. Or, if it really shouldn’t be saved—as is the case in abusive relationships.
If your marriage simply isn’t working, it’s time to call on a support team of mental health professionals, a couples therapist, and/or divorce attorneys. These experts will help you figure out how to deliver the news, as well as understand what you need to put the split into action.
If you’re in an abusive relationship, what’s most important is to get out safely. Depending on your situation, that might entail calling in the help of a trusted friend or confidant, going to a domestic violence women's shelter, or calling, texting, or text-chatting with the National Domestic Violence hotline. Call 1-800-799-7233 and/or text "START" to 88788.
Meet the experts: Marni Feuerman, PsyD, is a marriage therapist in Boca Raton and author of Ghosted and Breadcrumbed: Stop Falling For Unavailable Men and Get Smart About Healthy Relationships. Tracy Ross, LCSW, is a couples and family therapist based in New York. Carolina Pataky, LMFT, is a sex therapist and founder of South Florida's Love Discovery Institute. Shannon Chavez Qureshiz, PsyD, CST, is a licensed psychologist and sex therapist based in Beverly Hills. Alana Carvalho, LMHC, is a therapist and the host of The Codependent Perfectionist podcast.
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