New Mummy Blog: The Things I Never Knew Before I Had Kids
Little people are full of surprises. The things I’ve learned since having kids aren’t limited to how to cut tiny fingernails, disguise veg in a pasta sauce or recite We’re Going On A Bear Hunt from memory.
It turns out I was all wrong about all sorts of things. It turns out that pre-kids, I really didn’t have a clue.
All the wrong spoons
I never knew that, of all the spoons in our cutlery drawer, there’s not a single one that is acceptable to the toddler for the eating of her cereal. Yesterday’s choice (a teaspoon) is today tossed aside with distain. The favourite (a mermaid-patterned option) suffers the same fate and all the subsequent offerings are apparently so awful they are met with tears. Eventually she opts to try and use a straw instead.
All the whys
I never knew that I could maintain a 17-minute conversation in which the co-converser’s (age two) only contribution, no matter what my previous answer, was ‘why’. It happens on a very regular basis and goes something like this:
Me: “We’ll go out in a minute, I’ll just finish cleaning the kitchen first.”
Her: “Why?”
Me: “Because it’s nice to live in a clean house.”
Her: “Why?”
Me: “Because a dirty house isn’t nice.”
Her: “Why?”
Me: (getting desperate) “Because it’s yucky.”
Her: “Why?”
Me: (losing the will to live) “Because there might be spiders.”
Her: “Why?”
Me: “Because spiders need somewhere to live too.”
Her: “Why?”
And so it goes on.
What tired is
I never knew what tired really felt like before kids. I long for late night followers by rude-hungover-awakening tiredness. Instead I have so exhausted my hands won’t stop shaking type tiredness. I have putting the shampoo in the fridge and losing my mind type tiredness.
I have torn from sleep for the seventh time in one night by the wails of a baby who needs me type tiredness. Or being so conditioned by a little sleep thief that even when I have a night off I still wake up at the crack of dawn even when there are no children to wake me type tiredness.
Toy unboxing is a thing
I never knew (and still don’t understand why) videos of toys being taken out of their packaging or Kinder eggs being unwrapped hold such unrivalled appeal for little children. Especially as they’re often narrated by grown men; lending their voices to Elsa and Anna figurines is nothing short of creepy.
Tiny people are expert burglars
I never knew that as well as stealing my sleep, they’d also help themselves to other things. Like my food. I never knew that I would never again eat anything in peace - from my breakfast to a biscuit the toddler demands to share (take) and the baby, unwilling to let his non-verbal limitations hold him back, gets straight in there and try to prise my jaws open and swipe food directly from my mouth.
I am actually a six-armed ninja with negotiator superpowers and the strength of 10 men
Oh no, sorry, that one’s a lie. That’s what I feel like I need to be most of the time. Instead I’m just a two-armed regular mum who regularly loses the negotiations. But I do at least have the emotional strength of 10 - because my kids make me feel like I’m capable of anything and everything.
I never knew how great that would be.
