I'm married but also date other people. Our partnership is forever, and this way, both of our needs are met.
My wife and I met on a dating app and have always supported each other unconditionally.
We got married in 2020, and decided we wanted to have a poly "vee" marriage.
We have rules for our relationship and make sure to communicate about everything.
We met on a dating app in 2011. Our first date involved piling into my station wagon, which had a Phillies magnet covering the broken gas-port cover. We had a lovely, intimate sushi date where we chatted and laughed over some nigiri. From then on, our love grew.
My future wife was finishing up her undergraduate degree. I would drive to campus and hang out between classes, often bringing pizza or Dairy Queen for our chats.
That first summer, I became really sick and required surgery. We had only known each other for a few months, but she was there daily to change my gauze and take me to the doctor when my fever peaked. Her genuine care for me never wavered.
We have always supported each other unconditionally. I fully backed her idea of going back to school for a professional degree. She supported me, too, in a long-distance relationship when I went back to Los Angeles to pursue a dream job and conquer a city that had bested me the first time. It was clear that the love between us could surmount any obstacles that came our way.
I proposed on June 22, 2018. The initial plan was to have our wedding in fall 2020, but the COVID-19 pandemic threw in a massive wrench. We married legally in November 2020 via a video chat with the courthouse and held a public wedding at a local art museum in September 2022.
We decided to have a poly 'vee' marriage
A poly vee-structured relationship involves multiple partners and is shaped like the letter "V." The pivot point represents a person in the relationship seeing two or more partners who aren't romantically or sexually involved with each other. Those partners are known as "metamours" and may or may not know each other.
We decided this was the best fit for us because we have very different levels of sexual needs. Her drive is not as high as mine, and despite her being my dream woman, I needed more.
Like all serious discussions in our relationship, we approached it with transparency. I vocalized my needs, and she vocalized hers. This is not a marriage failure or a sign that we are incompatible. This is a forever partnership with the flexibility to address everyone's needs.
We decided that a poly vee would be the best fit for our relationship, and we took steps to establish some baseline expectations.
We have rules for our relationship
The first step in any ethically nonmonogamous relationship is to establish ground rules.
Though we're in a poly relationship, my wife chooses not to pursue other partners. She has the freedom to do so, but she hasn't so far. If we met someone we were both attracted to, we would be open to a "unicorn" situation, where we brought in a third partner for both of us.
On my end, I am allowed to freely date and pursue sexual and romantic relationships externally. I use dating apps, and the first line of every dating profile is, "I am married and ethically nonmonogamous (poly vee)."
My external partners have the freedom to check in with my wife to make sure everything is aboveboard and I'm not just cheating and calling it polyamory.
One of our rules is that I cannot have partners in our shared bedroom or bed because it is our sacred space.
My wife will always have top billing. We live together. She is the love of my life. If she has a need to veto a situation, she has the right to if she feels it is damaging our relationship. She has never exercised that right, but the "abort" button remains.
Consent-wise, I do not divulge the identity of my external partners for their sake unless they want me to. I tell my wife when I'm going out and where I'm going for safety. I only bring people to our home when she is not there, and we schedule accordingly.
Obviously, I practice safe sex with all partners, and I get tested regularly when I do my normal blood work.
It works well for us
We are people who love to love. The deep emotional connections and ability to meet, learn about, and experience different types of people is a gift. Just like traveling or trying new foods, it's all a learning experience.
We are both autonomous people. She is the first woman I've been with who I never had to ask for permission to hang out with my friends, and she doesn't need to ask, either. We have our own identities and private spaces. This allows us to connect incredibly well because we're fully formed people who aren't codependent.
Neither of us is religious and we don't have kids, and we both believe you only have one life to live. We don't stand in the way of each other's happiness, and the support and trust that go along with an arrangement like this make our bond even stronger.
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