Instead of buying gifts for our daughters, we ask parents to bring toys their kids no longer use. We do an exchange at the party.
I'm grateful when people want to celebrate my daughters, but the amount of stuff is overwhelming.
I started asking parents not to buy new gifts for their birthday parties.
Instead, I ask them to bring a toy from their own home for a swap at the party.
After my first child's first birthday in April of 2021, my husband and I found ourselves in a room full of gifts. Although we were moved by the outpouring of love for our girl, we were also conflicted, ideologically and philosophically.
Our daughter was the first granddaughter on my husband's side and the first grandchild of mine. Because I gave birth to her at the height of the pandemic in NYC, neither side of our families had joined together to meet and celebrate her arrival as one big, united group. Her first birthday party became a family reunion and an event to mark what felt like the toughest part of the pandemic.
After what we'd all experienced, the loneliness, isolation, and sadness were all palpable at the party. It was clear that we were all ready to wish those emotions and more good riddance. The birth of our precious babe became a reason to commune, catch up, and commiserate together — to feel joy, hope, and connection again.
I loved seeing my family, but the amount of gifts was overwhelming
Our enthusiasm for this new chapter was felt in our interactions and our promise to never let as much time pass before we convened again. Party guests showed their excitement in other ways, too: their gifts. Our daughter received new shoes (she'd outgrow them by the time she accepted footwear as a necessary means of walking), clothes (though she'd already become selective about textures and colors and thus never wore), and toys (some that were too young for her; others that were too old for her).
As I sat in our living room, staring at the mountain of new items in an overstimulated stupor, I realized that I had now been tasked with organizing and finding a place for all her new gifts. The feeling of overwhelm started to grow; the "invisible load" of motherhood began to accrue.
Just a month prior, we had moved out of our 500-square-foot NYC apartment into an old, two-bedroom bungalow in Asheville, North Carolina. And though we had become masters of maximizing space in small abodes, searching for new toy organizers, bins, and baskets was no longer an exciting or welcomed challenge. It was yet another problem to solve in the ongoing and ceaseless list of "to-dos" that rapidly come in parenthood.
It seems like there's another birthday party every week
That first birthday party was more than three years ago. I am now the mother of two beautiful girls: a 2-year-old and a 4-year-old. In the years since I've become a parent, I've learned that birthday parties are a regular occurrence — whether one of my kids brings home an invite from preschool or a friend of mine invites us to celebrate their child, there are just more kids in our orbit these days than there once were, and they all, of course, have birthdays.
The amount of "stuff" accrued after a child's birthday is astounding and is difficult for parents to manage. It's also hard to remember to buy a gift for such-and-so's birthday party this weekend, with everything else we have going on during the week.
I am grateful for all the love that flows for our girls when it's their turn, but I am over the constant purging, donating, and managing of my children's things. It's all left me wondering how I might lighten both my own and another parent's load — how we might be able to show up for our children but also for our planet.
I decided to ask parents not to buy gifts for my daughters
That's when my idea was born: I would directly ask parents NOT to buy new gifts for our daughters' birthday parties. Instead, I would pick an item category, like books, and ask invitees to select a book from their own home collection to bring as a gift. They could help their kids pick out the book or choose one to bring they felt their child wouldn't miss. Additionally, I would encourage parents to reuse old gift bags, wrapping paper, and ribbon to wrap them.
As guests arrived at the birthday shindig, I would point out the exchange table to parents and offer partygoers the option of simply contributing their book, or also choosing a different book for themselves to take home as a party favor. (I'd also make sure to select books from our own home library to add to the pile so that there were enough books for all kids to potentially take home.)
For the age groups of my children right now, most kids happily give their gift and walk away from the table without a book of their own, and that's OK. I fully acknowledge that the idea of an exchange is perhaps too abstract to grasp, but I hope that by taking these baby steps, my child and their friends will begin to slowly understand the idea with each passing year. One day, perhaps they will look forward to passing along their well-loved items to another on their special day.
For my daughter's fifth birthday next year, I'm thinking about selecting a different item category, such as a puzzle or game. I'm noticing those items in our home collections are multiplying and not receiving nearly as much playtime these days.
One thing I've learned as I continue to grow as a parent is that my hopes and wishes have grown, too. I hope I'm teaching my children how to be respectful stewards of our green Earth. By gifting from our own collections, we're making choices that are less wasteful and are easier on the environment. I also want my children to independently choose among their treasures and let go of something that might spark another's joy, which will hopefully spark their own joy, too.
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