Restaurant: Kaspar's, London WC2

I worked as a waitress – sorry, front of house – for years, and know what a stressful gig it is. My worst anxiety dreams still feature a heaving restaurant and only me on the floor, so I'm generally pretty forgiving of service solecisms. But I'm going to make an exception in the case of Kaspar's at the Savoy. Kaspar's The Savoy, Strand, London WC2R 0EU 020-7420 2111 Open all week, 7am-11pm. Meal for two with drinks and service, about £150. Food5/10Atmosphere5/10Value for money3/10 It's not their fault, I'm sure of that. Their behaviour is so consistently bizarre that it's clearly the house style (every restaurant has one, whether explicit or not). The May edition of Restaurant magazine features a training document created by Russell Norman for his Polpo empire. It's sane and sensible, and makes it very plain why his staff are among the best in the business.If Kaspar's has such a document, I imagine it goes something like this: "Ask if everything was delicious. Try: 'Was that delicious?' 'How was your delicious starter?' Alternatives can include: 'I know you'll find this delicious, lady' and 'Here is your delicious [name of dish].'" For sommeliers: "Identify what style of wine the diners like. Look panicked. Flick through large wine list tableside while your guests look increasingly uncomfortable. Take your time. Umm and ahh. They'll wind up ordering a carafe of overpriced, syrupy Riesling (tell them it's 'off dry') just to make you go away." And: "H-O-V-E-R, hover! Even if the guest is in the middle of a particularly poignant anecdote, hover with a fixed rictus on your face and a beadiness of eye: you'll eventually get their attention."We get treated to all of the above. It doesn't make for a relaxed dinner. And, unfortunately, that relentless overpraising of the food is somewhat bathetic. It's not awful (well, not all of it), but neither do I want to eat any of it again. House-cured fish – one salmon in star anise, one halibut in beetroot – are pleasing enough, but come in slivers the size and thickness of Band-Aids and cost £7 a pop. Then there's the prawn cocktail ("Ah, you will be so excited by this, madame. It's deconstructed!"), which comes under one of those desperate smoke-filled domes: a hummock of brown shrimps, some excellent smoked eel, shavings of apple and rye breadcrumbs, all tasting of hectic kipper.We're encouraged towards the lobster club ("Madame, you must have it") – £25 for something that looks as though it came from Prêt: scant, cloyingly creamy crustacean, too-sweet relish, shaved avocado and pallid, frozen-tasting frites. The bread is burned at the edges. For 25 quid. Far worse are bloated, Germolene-hued smoked salmon sausages on apple sauerkraut – potentially a good idea, but here reduced to a greyish sludge – and horseradish. The sausages have the consistency of mouldering bath sponge. Puddings? Well, as Shania Twain might say, those overplayed spheres of chocolate that collapse on the application of their sauce do not impress me much. "Eh? Eh? Eh?" our waiter says as he flourishes his jug, trying to goad us into some kind of rapture.And, oh Lord, the bleak bling of it all: icicle chandeliers over a central marble bar, swirly carpet fighting with scalloped tiling, silvered ceiling, brass and velvet and leather and sparkle, sparkle, sparkle. An anamorphic steel feline by artist Jonty Hurwitz references the eponymous hotel cat. The much-trumpeted "panoramic view of the river" is just about discernible, if you squint. Patrons include Ron Mueck-esque tourists and vast, wardrobe-sized men in suits. I think the management is trying to do a Wolseley/Delaunay, but it adds up to something that might announce itself "the finest deluxe restaurant dining experience in all Chechnya".There's no doubting the majesty of the Savoy – the impressive swoop down to Kaspar's makes you fear that someone will spot you as a common interloper and throw you out on your ear – but I'm not sure this is the restaurant it deserves. And, funnily enough, although I left almost all my food, my fictional training dossier doesn't seem to include the line that goes, "Madame, did you not enjoy your meal?"• Kaspar's The Savoy, Strand, London WC2, 020-7420 2111. Open all week, 7am-11pm. Dinner for two with drinks and service, about £150.Food 5/10 Atmosphere 5/10 Value for money 3/10Follow Marina on Twitter.