Nikki Glaser Brutally Roasts Trump, Cruz, Marjorie Taylor Greene in Kimmel Guest-Hosting Monologue

ABC
ABC

Nikki Glaser is not exactly known for political comedy. But when she stepped in to be the last guest host of Jimmy Kimmel Live! on Thursday night, she quickly proved that there is no one she cannot roast.

“I am the final guest host for the summer,” the stand-up comic and FBoy Island host said when she took the stage. “But luckily as a straight woman, I’m used to coming last. Or not at all.”

Then, after sharing some “major Hollywood dirtbag news” about disgraced producer Harvey Weinstein, which included the hope that he “please pull an Epstein,” Glaser launched into her “speed roast” of the most powerful politicians in the country.

It was an equal-opportunity roasting, which included as many brutal takedowns of Democrats like Joe Biden, Kamala Harris, and Nancy Pelosi as it did Republicans like Donald Trump, Mike Pence, and Mitch McConnell. But there was definitely a bit of an extra edge to her punchlines about those on the MAGA side of the political spectrum. Below is a sampling of her best jokes.

On Donald Trump: “Well, at least we now know the answer to the question, what if a bloated factory-farm pig corpse could grab your pussy?”

On Kamala Harris: “I have a theory that we haven’t seen much of the vice president lately because she sentenced herself to jail. I think she missed the rush of putting an innocent person behind bars.”

On Lindsey Graham: “Graham is not just his last name, it’s also how much meth he gives his boy sex workers as a tip.”

On Pete Buttigieg: “He proves that just because you’re gay does not mean you’re cool!”

On Matt Gaetz: “What a ladies’ man. I mean what a child’s man.” And then, “You’d think he’d have better hair for someone so good at grooming.”

Nikki Glaser Wants to Rewrite Our Last Headline About Her

On Ted Cruz: “Everything is bigger in Texas, except your sad, soggy penis.” And then, “Ted of course has put on a couple of pounds over the past couple of years. But that’s what happens when you’re constantly eating… Trump’s ass.”

But Glaser reserved her harshest jokes for Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene (R-GA), who she said is “proof that the left and the right really can come together,” adding, “I mean, just look at her eyes.”

“She’s of course anti-abortion,” Glaser continued. “And sadly, so was her mom.”

And finally, Glaser acknowledged that Greene has had a “rough week” after getting swatted twice. “Which is terrifying, and I’m so sorry that happened to you,” she said. “But let me just say, it really could not have happened to a dumber bitch.”

For more, listen to Nikki Glaser on The Last Laugh podcast.

Read more at The Daily Beast.

Get the Daily Beast's biggest scoops and scandals delivered right to your inbox. Sign up now.

Stay informed and gain unlimited access to the Daily Beast's unmatched reporting. Subscribe now.