No One Tells You How Hard It Is to Have Divorced Parents During the Holidays
My parents should have divorced years before they actually did. My sister and I knew from a fairly young age that they weren’t meant to be together. I even remember being an angst-filled teen and screaming at them, “Why don’t you just get DIVORCED?!”
All of this is to say that it was pretty clear the way the wind was going to blow. That final, family-destroying storm hit when my sister and I were in our twenties. After two and a half decades of marriage, my parents decided to split up for good. But one thing no one told us? How hard it makes the holidays.
The drama is real—and you won’t be shielded from it.
For those of you not in the know (lucky you, children of healthy marriages—what’s that like?), witnessing your parents’ divorce at any age is tough. But dealing with it as an adult is its own special kind of hell. You’re acutely aware of their behavior because you have experienced break-ups and relationship drama of your own. While you’re still figuring life out, parents are supposed to be the grown-ups—the role models of healthy behavior. And since you’re an adult, no one really tries to shield you from things. You can’t escape to your room to play Barbies. No one’s trying to bribe you with ice cream. Neither parent tries to be the favorite by taking you to Disneyland.
Instead, you’re stuck in the middle of a lifetime of resentment, bitterness, and toxicity that you wish you never knew about. Both parents try to win you over to their side: “Well, X parent did this, did you know about that?” No one “won” in these situations, but I’m pretty sure my sister and I lost the most—particularly when it comes navigating family dynamics throughout the festive season.
Family home? It no longer exists.
One thing many divorced parents who have adult children don’t realize is that we still feel the loss of family and a shared home base. Suddenly, we don’t have a true home to visit. Even if the family home is retained by one parent, it will never be the same.
Don’t get me wrong, I love my parents’ new partners and feel lucky to have them in my life. However, when you’re with one side, it feels like the other side is erased—and vice versa. Pictures are taken down and certain memories aren’t talked about. Understandably, this may be necessary for parents to move on with their lives. But the children are forever trying to reconcile their fractured family. And not having that warm, family home to visit during the festive season just reminds us how fractured things are.
Visiting everyone is a logistical nightmare.
It’s been several years since our parents split up. My sister and I have our own families. Before we’ve even factored in our in-laws, the holidays are a logistical nightmare. Trying to see each parent is hard because each one is pulled toward their new partner’s family events. The holidays become a series of quarter-and-half-day visits that can never truly be enjoyed because someone is always looking at their watch to make sure they’re not late to the next event. Thanksgiving dinner here, dessert there. Christmas Eve drinks here, dinner there, dessert somewhere else. Christmas day brunch here, dinner there, and dessert somewhere else. But who will be where at what time? Will we even get to see our parents during this window or will they be at another event? And making sure you see everyone for enough time is nearly impossible—there are inevitably hurt feelings.
Guess who really loses in this situation? Yup, you guessed it—my sister and me, and soon, our children.
So, for the holidays, why should we have to split our time in a zillion ways? Wouldn’t it be easier for everyone if our parents came to our homes? If anyone should have to split their time, it should be the people that initiated the split!
To all the divorced parents out there, I say this: Get yourselves together. You chose to marry. You chose to bring children into the world. And you chose to divorce. Your children did not choose any of it. Instead of putting the burden on them to figure out where they belong, make it clear: They belong with you, and they are just as important in your new life as they always have been.
Happy holidays.
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